Bulimia, Hypothalamic Ammenhorea & Lean PCOS Insights

I got my results from some important health tests last night and I’ve been sitting with my feelings since. I knew what I was expecting to come from these tests, which has definitely made it easier to sit with, however I would be lying if I said I’m not a bit overwhelmed. I also feel a bit of overwhelming calmness simultaneously because I feel like these results are the reassurance I’ve needed that I’ve got more going on than meets the eye and I am fully  committed to following through with what I need to, to heal my body and make it feel safe again. If you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about I’ll explain, here, and a lot more in future blogs as well as my podcast that I will be launching soon (AH, YAY)! If you don’t want to read on you don’t need to, I’ll be talking about all of this as well, I just enjoy writing too because it is a form of expression and release for me. 

If you’ve been following my journey, or have connected with me, you may know about my eating disordered history and how open I am about it because it has helped me tremendously with healing. To be honest, I was a bit naïve then when I wrote about how much I struggled because I felt like I was passed the hardest part of my journey, but really my recovery was just beginning then. When  I wrote that blog post 2.5 years ago I was in a much better place with exercise and food, as I wasn’t abusing intense exercise every single day anymore and binge-eating/purging/abusing laxatives weekly anymore. To give you a short sum up, if you haven't tuned in, for over 5 years I had a very volatile relationship with food + training. I would often exercise 2+  hours a day, try to eat 1000 calories or less a day, binge-eat, use laxatives or purge, and continue these cycles.  They got worse when I was emotionally stressed as I used food to cope too. This isn't to say I didn't have some good times in my life during these years, but there was an underlying dysfunction there that ran my life.

I had about 3 single day random relapses after I posted my first honest recovery blog but pulled myself out of them and kept moving forward in self-love and forgiveness each time, they only lasted about a day. But the entire time after 2017 I was under-eating most days,, and still fearful of a lot of weight gain. I’ve felt safe in a smaller body for so long, and in the pursuit of “health” going 95% vegan & often raw-vegan did not support my body as an active human being. I am not saying vegans can’t be healthy, I’m saying it was hard for me to get the proper amount of calories as well as nutrients in my body to sustain my hormones. I was not stressing about food but I was under-nourished, partly unintentionally and partly probably due to my subconscious fight for control. I probably ate between 1100-1400 most days and this was not enough fuel to sustain my body, I likely need around 1800-2000 calories a day. During these times when I just got more into hot yoga too I felt better being in a smaller body, perhaps a bit influenced by the culture and social media portrayal of what advanced yogis look like. My practice is so much less about how I look now and so much more about how I feel, wow how things change in a short matter of time. When I was under-eating, and under-weight (FOR MY BODY, not on a standard chart), I was cold ALL THE TIME, exhausted even just walking up the stairs and waking up most mornings at 4:30 or 5:00 am feeling completely tired but wired at the same time. This was due to my body waking me up because of stressed out adrenals, and extreme hunger. I also got some cystic breakouts pretty often monthly but not nearly as bad as 5 years ago in the depth of my eating disorder. 

 So moving on, after losing my period for 5+ months, 3 times in a row over the last 3 years, and connecting with doctors, naturopaths and doing hours of my own extensive research I concluded that I likely have HA (Hypothalamic Ammenhorea) as well as a possible overlap with lean PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Hormone imbalances associated with both of these conditions can arise from over-stress (emotional, physical, mental, etc), under-fuelling, over-exercising, environmental toxins and more. There are genetic components as well that come into play. If I do have both, I have to first recover from HA by making my body feel safe enough to start ovulating again, which will re-start my cycle, and then tap into balancing my hormones and improving possible PCOS symptoms that may arise (hormonal acne, etc). There is also a chance though that my androgen imbalances will be corrected with healing my HA because I have connected with other high-level athletes who have recovered from HA and they had similar endocrine (hormone) profiles as me. There is a lot more gaps in research and even more doctors/professionals in the health industry who are just simply not informed on the updated research so I’ve had to advocate for my health and fight for tests/referrals over the last couple of years which has been tiring. I’m finally making some progress and have my first Gyno. Referral within the next couple of months, although I really need an Endocrinologist referral which hasn’t been granted to me yet (hopefully soon).

So what is Hypothalamic Ammenhorea?

“Hypothalamic amenorrhea is a condition in which menstruation stops for several months due to a problem involving the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is in the center of the brain and controls reproduction.” (https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/diagnosing-infertility/infertility-causes/female-infertility-causes/hypothalamic-amenorrhea)

HA is characterized my missing periods and in most cases low LH (Luteinizing hormone) on blood test, which is considered low when it is under 2 IU/L. This hormone surges right before ovulation but when a woman’s body doesn’t feel safe there is no surge and this hormone remains low. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) varies in women with HA, but in more severe cases it’s extremely low as well. Often seen in athletes of low BMI, but HA can occur in women of ANY size, with ANY training background. Actually there are women who have HA who don’t workout at all, but lose their periods because of emotional stress and usually a combination of under-fueling. It’s also much more likely for a woman to have HA if there has been significant weight loss in their history, including any range over 10 lbs. A true pioneer and leader in the field Nicola Rinaldi wrote a book called “No Period Now What” which has been AMAZING on my journey over the last two years. (http://www.noperiodnowwhat.com/) I would highly suggest visiting her website as well as her facebook group for women who have HA because it is a great support system, as well as provides numerous resources. Another important note is that since women with HA are not ovulating, they will likely have multiple follicles on their ovaries which just means that none are reaching ovulation, it does not mean that you can be diagnosed with PCOS. Many women are mis-diagnosed and there needs to be more data collected before proper diagnoses can be made. If you’re an active woman who has increased her exercise, began dieting or eating less (on purpose or not), lost 10+ lbs especially in a short period of time and are missing your period it is much more likely to be Hypothalamic Ammenhorea, not PCOS. HA recovery recommendations are: CUT ALL INTENSE EXERCISE (other than walking/gentle yoga), and eat minimum 2500 calories a day, no food restrictions and lots of rest. No adding in more intense exercise until 3 recovery cycles/months have passed. I am currently working with a health coach, my first appointment is in two days and she specializes in HA as well as PCOS, she also believes you don’t need to entirely cut exercise and I’m excited to have more professional guidance especially related to food and supplements, which I will post about. I have recently cut my intense exercise down in half. I am doing basically no cardio (unless I go up a hill on a bike for a second on my  joyful rides), especially no HIIT. I’m only doing hot yoga 1-2 times a week, lifting weights 1-2 times a week for an hour with many breaks, and sitting down more. I’m also eating any and everything that I feel like, which includes “off limit foods” or foods I’ve deemed “not healthy”.

When I first went to a doctor for help with cystic acne 5 years ago my blood work revealed I had almost non-existent LH and FSH (both below 1), low progesterone, (not sure what my estrogen was at this time because I wasn't well informed on hormonal health) and elevated androgens.  My doctor told me he thought I had Female Athlete Triad from over-training and under-fueling. I dismissed him because I was at my heaviest weight (130 pounds- 10 more pounds than I am now), and was still binging a lot during this time in my life. I did not believe someone in a normal sized body could have Female Athlete Triad. I never got the bone scan he sent me out to get, and I still haven't got one to this day, although I will need to soon. Hormonal imbalances associated with Female Athlete  Triad can lead to bone loss, Osteopenia and Osteoporosis, and at the age of 25 that is something that truly terrifies me.

There is a bit of a blurry line though which is where I am at in understanding my body and my healing right now. Those with PCOS  have elevated androgens on testing, often including: testosterone and DHEA-S, which are both elevated for me. As I started above I’ve connected with many healed athletes who had HA with these androgens elevated as well. They healed from rest and fueling, and their hormones returned to baseline. There is also quite an overlap between the two conditions because when the body is out of wack the metabolism of all the hormones can go in various directions. When stress is elevated, cortisol is released and then DHEA-S often elevates as well as a protective mechanism. Also equally important to symptoms if how we metabolize these hormones, because there is always a safer path-way. As I learn more with my health coach and naturopath, as well as my own healing experience, I will post more!!!

You might be wondering, what is PCOS?

Pcos: “Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition that affects a woman's hormone levels. Women with PCOS produce higher-than-normal amounts of male hormones. This hormone imbalance causes them to skip menstrual periods and makes it harder for them to get pregnant.”

https://thepcosnutritionist.com/. She has many amazing resources and a number of free podcasts to listen to. There are many other great women with voices on this subject + personal experience, including: Dr. Fiona McCulloh from Toronto (https://drfionand.com/blog/).



After doing hours of my own research, and not receiving any formal diagnoses yet from doctors, I believe I have HA for sure, with POSSIBLE lean PCOS based on my lab results and current DUTCH test results. I just paid quite a lot for a detailed hormonal test to provide more insight into what’s going on in my body, through an interactive, full-body lens.Every women needs androgens, including testosterone, but in ideal amounts. Many high level athletes even at the Olympic level have elevated androgens but the research on this isn’t sure if that developed as a result of intense training lifestyles + genetics + etc or if these women would have had the same hormonal profiles had they not pursued intense sport training. PCOS is truly complicated and there are many different root causes of the imbalances, including but not limited to: insulin resistance, environmental toxins, high stress, allergies and more! Each woman is different and treatment is highly variable depending on your root cause, there is no one-size-fits-all approach and unfortunately many conventional doctors don’t know this either. PCOS is stereotypically seen in highly overweight women with insulin resistance, dark hair growth, acne and apple-shaped bodies. But there are MANY women who do not fit this stereotype who have PCOS too, some with insulin resistance who are lean/skinny and some who aren’t even insulin resistant. Also women with PCOS often have elevtated LH to FSH ratio, usually 2-3 times the level but this is not required for diagnosis. My LH was under 0.1 when this began, and my FSH was 1.0 which indicates a more extreme version of HA, although I still cycled at that time and it was likely annovulatory (I got a period but probably wasn’t ovulating). It’s important to work with a functional health coach or specialist in this area because there is a lot of knowledge with this condition alone that is CRUCIAL to know. I recommend Claire because I have followed her own healing journey from PCOS and her website is:

What is A DUTCH test? Dried Urine Test for Comprehensive Hormones* This is an amazing test administered by health specialists to get a really deep insight into sex and adrenal hormones and their metabolites. There is also insight into cortisol patterns, organic acids, 8-OHdG & melatonin. It’s a bit complicated to understand by yourself even with insight from the company so it’s really key to work with a specialist. Any person can benefit from this test especially if they feel like something is off in their body and traditional lab blood tests are coming back normal. I will go through my results in DETAIL on a future blog post to provide some insight into my learning as well as feedback from my health coach which will be coming in two days!! As an introduction though my main findings are that I have: low estrogen, low progesterone, high DHEA-S, high testosterone, normal free cortisol but low metabolized cortisol. The Cortisol results could also indicate a thyroid issue and although I’ve had many of my thyroid hormones tested I haven’t had my reverse T3 tested which would indicate if I have something deeper going on there which could be auto-immune OR could be a result of under-eating for many years and chronic energy deficit. Understanding your health really is a puzzle, our body is one giant complex puzzle trying to maintain homeostasis. I am simply writing my experience with trying to solve this puzzle to hopefully help other women out there who are researching desperately for answers. It took me SO long to find other women who had written about their experience with HA, but also having elevated androgens. There isn’t a lot of literature on that yet and I felt like I didn’t  belong in a category so I didn’t know what I needed to do to heal.  I’m still figuring it out one day at a time, but my research has definitely helped. I look forward to sharing more of my journey on this blog in the future as I continue to live and love myself.

I am NOT CERTIFIED and I am NOT a doctor. This blog is not intended to be substituted for any medical advice it is simply some insight into my journey of healing. I will continue writing about my journey, especially when I want to shrivel up and hide because I know I can help other people. Please don’t hesitate to connect with me, I love meeting new people and we can support each other.

PS. THE MORNING AFTER I WROTE THIS BLOG I GOT MY FIRST LADY FLOW IN 5 MONTHS, WHICH WAS COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED AND EXCITING. I’ve felt some breast tenderness for the last few weeks and my body felt like it was turning things back on, as I kept eating large amounts and resting more. This is just the beginning though of my recovery journey which I need to stay committed to… updates will follow.

MUCH LOVE,
ASH<3

New Insights and Healing

I’ve had some very powerful insights lately on my journey to food freedom and I’m re-inspired to continue to share my truth. I’ve been really in my mind lately, and also in the moment-to-moment of my daily life. But I feel like I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Controlling food has been a coping mechanism for me that started as something that SERVED me. As odd as that is, my need to control and manage my food has been a way of creating an illusion of safety in my life. I no longer need this coping mechanism but I can now understand that my body was doing the best it could with what it had. My E.D began when I was 15, quit the sport I loved so much, was in a very toxic “relationship” and also felt like my voice didn’t matter, it wasn’t heard. I graduated high school and was planning my university career- which was the most overwhelming choice EVER, when I had no idea what was next. My life felt very unpredictable, I felt out of alignment although I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. I couldn’t figure out who I was beyond my sports because my entire identity had been created around being an athlete. I still relate to this label now but from a fresh and grateful lens as I’ve transitioned into other sections of my life. Most importantly I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to love someone who was a sociopath/narcissist, and instead of leaving that shit in the dust I kept clinging to a connection that only sucked the life out of me. My  control of food because a ritual, it provided me comfort, control, and made me feel like I had power- when I was restricting. Then when I was binging it all came crashing down, and thus the cycle began. If I could only restrict better and try harder, everything would be okay. My body would be perfect, my fake relationship would start to be reciprocal, I would figure out my career path and everything would make sense. That would never be the case, but my eating disorder has taught me to dive deep into the hard work of introspection, and to sit with the feelings that are uncomfortable until they pass, which they always do. Although I have come so far, I still have had many “food rules” to follow out of the idea that they’ll “lower inflammation & make me healthier” but I think they are road blocks to my full healing. I’ve given myself FULL PERMISSION FOR FOOD FREEDOM, which means I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I’ve never felt this good.

The next realization I’ve had is that I didn’t have binge-eating-disorder or no control around “off-limits” food. The shame I felt literally felt like I was drowning in it sometimes, especially after eating so much I could throw up. But there is often never a binge without restriction first (in some way or form, i.e: emotional, or physical). I was severely limiting my calories so much as I continued to train at high intensities, and I had so many rules to follow that my body went crazy when given the opportunity to eat. THIS IS EVOLUTION AND THIS IS THE BIOLOGY OF MY BODY TRYING TO KEEP ME ALIVE. My body, and your body, cannot tell the difference between a diet and a famine. That’s right, our bodies don’t know that we just want to lose 10 pounds to have a flatter stomach. Our body thinks there is not food available, so to ensure it’s survival it slows down our metabolism and affects all of our body systems, for example our reproductive system can temporarily shut down. Why would our bodies want to create a safe space for a baby when it doesn’t feel like it has enough food access to be safe as a single human-being? I am going to be writing more about the dangers of dieting soon, stay tuned. The more I learn about the science behind my experience the easier it is for me to extend compassion inwards and forgive myself for all the times I’ve felt shameful, less than enough, and unworthy of life.

I’ve also learned about the connection between my internal feelings and also physical changes in the biology of my body that have perpetuated the cycle of my disorder and I’m fascinated by it. My hormones and my blood sugar regulation has been very affected by my patterns of restricting and binging, I’m still working through the recovery of this balance now (stay tuned for a long post on this topic). Sometimes this overwhelms me because I feel some guilt for what I have put my beautiful body through. But I am also seeing that this is just a beautiful part of my healing journey and my body sends me messages that I need to listen to, to take steps forward. I often haven’t been eating enough, in terms of amounts of varieties of food lately to sustain my body and help me participate in  hot yoga, hockey and weight lifting. Likewise, my hamstring injury took months to even slightly feel better, it’s about 90% now even though I slightly tore it in October. My almost broken or possibly broken toe took 4-5 months as well. I believe these have been physical messages from my body telling me to tune in, to slow down and to R E S T. Which means more than one day of rest, and it’s given me the opportunity to challenge my brain when my body wants 3 days off in a row,  I’m listening now. My body has not been repairing itself because it needs more nourishment and it is telling me to honour stillness, rest, and rejuvenation. I am excited to continue to play with finding this balance in my life. 

The last insight I’ll talk about today is that I have had a very hard time setting boundaries in my life and using my voice to let others know what is okay and what is not okay with me. I believe this started as a child and has just blossomed ever since, to the point where I have believed for much of life that this is just how I am. That is not the case, as human beings we all need to tap into our power and stay true to ourselves especially when we are being manipulated, unappreciated or taken advantage of. I’ve come to see that many previous friendships and relationships were never on an equal level in terms of respect, communication, sacrifice and honesty. I’m learning how to practice standing up for myself, disagreeing politely and saying exactly how I feel even if it makes others uncomfortable. The premise of setting firm boundaries really makes me anxious when I over-think about it but it is the absolute foundation required for healthy relationships for the rest of my life!!

This learning has been a product of my own personal reflection, starting psychotherapy and playing with the discomfort I feel when I have to go against my disordered ways of being. I feel grateful to be alive and actually would not  change a single thing that I have been through because I believe my experience has set me up to help others with their struggle and their healing. I believe I will appreciate the fullness of life now from a new perspective because of what I have experienced and I am so excited to make my mark in the world.

Xoxox

Ashley

Big Toe, Big Message

As I’m sitting down to write this right now I’m actually on the verge of balling my eyes out… like that uncontrollable, messy, releasing everything on my chest type of tears. But I’m at work, and I can’t do that, so hopefully later I can have that type of release in my own space hahah. But no seriously, I had to start writing this entry immediately because I could feel the words rumbling in my belly, and sitting in my heart, with a fierce need to be expressed. Writing is how I express my truth and this is my truth.

I’ve just recently been feeling good about my hamstring healing which has taken over 3 months to improve. I was not able to do my leg weights, touch my toes to put my socks on or flow through every yoga pose in my practice. For a couple weeks at the beginning of my injury I ignored the pain and kept playing hockey 3-4 times a week, until I literally couldn’t move it was so painful. Arguably the injury was actually caused from a tool in therapy after my hamstring was tight, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I know I prolonged my healing and also made it much more painful by trying to push through, and keep going no matter what. That athlete mentality has stuck with me my entire life. My  stubborn way of being is not helping the matter either. So just last week I started dead-lifting lightly again, I also tried to play shinny hockey once and experienced some tightness, but that was it so I was incredibly excited.

The morning after when I was rushing to work as I got called in late, I slipped on ice and fell down the stairs outside my home. Ironically I had stepped out of the front door in my little booties, and thought to myself “oh wow it’s snowing, it could be icy, I’ll be super careful here” while holding my celery juice in my hand and my glass coffee mug in the other. I tripped while I was thinking those thoughts, somehow landed at the bottom of the steps with my foot bent back underneath me, still holding my mug, with some spilled coffee in my hair. I just sat there for a second and thought to myself “UNIVERSE W T F”. Then I got up, picked up my stuff and got in the car to go to work. I knew my foot was a little bit tender, but I actually was able to walk normally throughout the day. That night I went to hot yoga, and pushed myself to do all the regular poses even with a bit of discomfort on the left foot. I woke up the next morning and the internal part of my foot was bruised and throbbing a bit, so I had to limp around. I was fine limping around for a couple of days, still going to yoga and slightly modifying a couple poses so I wasn’t putting pressure on my left foot. I even did a leg weights workout because squats and dead-lifts didn’t cause any pain, I just had to avoid lunges or toe flexion exercises. Then last night at hot yoga in the middle of the balancing series my big toe made a popping noise and started to throb a bit more, but I continued on, as it wasn’t the worst pain I've ever felt.  I got home and realized though that my practice definitely made it worse than the original fall, but it wasn’t the whole internal foot anymore just the big toe. I iced it, worried about it, complained about it, and repeated that cycle for the next few hours before bed. I looked up what it’s called, often referred to as “turf toe” because athletes get it from artificial grass. I put lavender oil on it and taped it just as sports therapists do online, after watching a video and reading the instructions. I fell asleep with it elevated and woke up with less pain, and was off to work (that’s this morning).

I’ve been googling recovery times and treatment protocols, there’s a wide range of possibilities depending on the grade of injury, and I might need to get a foot boot to stabilize it. I’m actually debating doing that because I’m supposed to travel in 4 days and I would really like to be able to move with less pain than I feel right now with my half-ass tape job. As many of you know, I really believe the universe is always sending you messages and if you don’t listen energy will slap you in the face one way or another.  I know I haven’t been listening, I’m trying to listen now. Louise Hay, a well-known spiritual writer and entrepreneur, says that toe injuries are physical manifestations of a needless emotional worry about future details. That resonates with me so much because I probably spend a few hours a day imagining what my future will look like, worrying that I won’t be enjoying what I’m doing and then retreating inward instead of being out there in the beautiful world enjoying right now. I have had an awareness that I do this but I haven’t spent much time trying to show up different, I’ve been stuck in the same pattern, because it's what I know, it's safe.

Anyways, relating this experience back to my intense urge to ball my eyes out right now is because of the fact that I am intensely afraid of resting. I’ve written a lot about my eating disorder and how I used to over-exercise every day to compensate for eating however back then when it was at my worst I was doing hours a day of fitness I didn’t even want to do, after binge eating on thousands of calories, using laxatives and then starving for a day. This was the epitome of my suffering and it went on for years. Although I still struggle with some odd thoughts and worries around food, and even restriction or fear sometimes, I am in a MUCH better place than I was 2-3 years ago. However, as much as I enjoy the physical activity I chose to do on a daily basis now I am still so afraid of being still. Don’t get me wrong, I actually regularly watch my Netflix series, take a day off a week, sit down, etc... way more than I used to. But I don’t like to take more than one day off in a row.  I enjoy going on long walks even in the winter (except when its -30 like the last two days) and going to yoga most days, hockey some days and the gym 1-2 x a week. I don’t force myself to go hard when I don’t want to anymore, but I still have trouble coping with the crippling fear that washes over me when I feel an injury because I do not want to rest. This is an overwhelming feeling that I am choosing to confront right now, sit with and absorb. I’m reminding myself the universe has my back and that I will heal if I give my body what it needs, if I listen, FOR ONCE. I should also listen to my best friend because she tells me the same thing, thanks Melissa.

Anyway, this writer Tabitha Farrar is an eating disorder specialist who recovered from anorexia and strongly believes in the migration theory. “ For those of us with the predisposition for this migration response when we go into energy deficit, we develop an aversion to resting and eating — because both stopping to eat too much and resting are threats to a mammal’s ability to migrate successfully.  Migrating animals don’t stop to eat often, they eat only what they need to in order to keep going. Migrating animals have a strong urge to move. Based on my own experience of anorexia (complusive exercise, and fear of eating more than the minimal amount need to survive) I have developed a biological approach to recovery using theories of mammal migration (Adapt to Flee Famine theory).” I have been reading her blogs a lot lately and everything she speaks about experiencing in regards to intense urges to move resonate so much with me. I actually wrote a  blog related to her theories right before I injured my toe but it didn’t feel authentic enough so I didn’t post it. Then this feeling came over me this morning and I knew it was time to write. This is another example of how illogical thoughts are so easily accepted and acted upon because they are how I have always been and they make me feel safe. Other people and athletes who get injured know they need to recover so they can perform again, so they rest and although they may feel antsy to move or impatient it’s not a feeling of a 10 thousand pound weight of anxiety on their chest when they think about what resting will feel like. These illogical thoughts also relate to obsessive compulsive tendencies that people with eating disorders may embody, such as hoarding food or safe foods, having odd food rules about eating timing, rituals surrounding food choices, hoarding other items (random items like grocery bags, soap, etc), which Tabitha writes a lot about. She also writes blogs about how low level movement urges such as walking, obsessively cleaning, and more are all related to this biological process from our evolution to keep moving, and keep migrating to survive. Not all of those tendencies relate to my personal experience, but some do and I find the connections very fascinating to reflect on. Likewise restrictive ways of thinking relate to scarcity mindset and that affects more than just limiting food intake. It changes entire personalities and relates to limiting pleasure in all forms, limiting spending, social interaction, new experiences, etc. This couldn’t be more than true and I will write about my experiences changes in a future blog.

 I find that saying my irrational thoughts out-loud as if I was telling them to a friend helps me recognize how harmful they are when I accept them as truth and act upon them. An example of some thoughts I verbalize to help me challenge them are:

“I already ate carbs earlier I can’t eat any more now.”

“I just ate an hour and a half ago I need to ignore my hunger cues for a couple more hours.”

“I didn’t exercise today so I can’t eat as much during this meal.”

“If I rest I won’t burn enough calories so I need to push through this injury.”

“When I feel full I feel fat so I don’t want to feel that sensation.”

These are just some examples that resonate with me now or have in my past as I’ve been working towards recovery. I enjoy providing some insight into my mind’s dialogue, whether  you’re someone reading who’s struggled with eating or someone who cannot relate at all. Eating disorders have strong routes in genetics, and then it is ultimately environmental factors that determine whether someone will develop one. They may not make sense to many but they are not a choice. Although choosing to recover and commit to that process, is indeed a choice. Obviously the irrational thought that is smacking me in the fact right now is regarding rest and confronting my intense need to keep moving on a daily basis. I don’t think there is anything wrong with loving to move but I think there is something wrong with my inability to remain calm and rest when I am hurt. I am probably going to go to a doctor today to determine if I should wear a boot to immobilize my toe or another shoe insole to assist healing. I travel in 4 days and its unlikely my toe will be fully healed by then but I am willing to do no physical activity until I leave, and longer, simply because I am tired of limiting my own healing by living out my irrational thoughts. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’ve been  doing the same thing for years and this is my chance to consciously choose to respond differently.

Xox

Ash