I’ve had some very powerful insights lately on my journey to
food freedom and I’m re-inspired to continue to share my truth. I’ve been
really in my mind lately, and also in the moment-to-moment of my daily life.
But I feel like I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life, and I couldn’t be more
excited.
Controlling food has been a
coping mechanism for me that started as something that SERVED me. As odd as that
is, my need to control and manage my food has been a way of creating an
illusion of safety in my life. I no longer need this coping mechanism but I can
now understand that my body was doing the best it could with what it had. My
E.D began when I was 15, quit the sport I loved so much, was in a very toxic “relationship”
and also felt like my voice didn’t matter, it wasn’t heard. I graduated high school
and was planning my university career- which was the most overwhelming choice
EVER, when I had no idea what was next. My life felt very unpredictable, I felt
out of alignment although I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. I
couldn’t figure out who I was beyond my sports because my entire identity had
been created around being an athlete. I still relate to this label now but from
a fresh and grateful lens as I’ve transitioned into other sections of my life. Most
importantly I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to love someone who was a sociopath/narcissist,
and instead of leaving that shit in the dust I kept clinging to a connection
that only sucked the life out of me. My
control of food because a ritual, it provided me comfort, control, and
made me feel like I had power- when I was restricting. Then when I was binging
it all came crashing down, and thus the cycle began. If I could only restrict
better and try harder, everything would be okay. My body would be perfect, my fake
relationship would start to be reciprocal, I would figure out my career path
and everything would make sense. That would never be the case, but my eating
disorder has taught me to dive deep into the hard work of introspection, and to
sit with the feelings that are uncomfortable until they pass, which they always
do. Although I have come so far, I still have had many “food rules” to follow
out of the idea that they’ll “lower inflammation & make me healthier” but I
think they are road blocks to my full healing. I’ve given myself FULL PERMISSION
FOR FOOD FREEDOM, which means I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I’ve
never felt this good.
The next realization I’ve had is that I didn’t have binge-eating-disorder
or no control around “off-limits” food. The shame I felt literally felt like I
was drowning in it sometimes, especially after eating so much I could throw up.
But there is often never a binge without restriction first (in some way or form,
i.e: emotional, or physical). I was severely limiting my calories so much as I
continued to train at high intensities, and I had so many rules to follow that
my body went crazy when given the opportunity to eat. THIS IS EVOLUTION AND
THIS IS THE BIOLOGY OF MY BODY TRYING TO KEEP ME ALIVE. My body, and your body,
cannot tell the difference between a diet and a famine. That’s right, our bodies
don’t know that we just want to lose 10 pounds to have a flatter stomach. Our
body thinks there is not food available, so to ensure it’s survival it slows
down our metabolism and affects all of our body systems, for example our reproductive
system can temporarily shut down. Why would our bodies want to create a safe
space for a baby when it doesn’t feel like it has enough food access to be safe
as a single human-being? I am going to be writing more about the dangers of dieting
soon, stay tuned. The more I learn about the science behind my experience the
easier it is for me to extend compassion inwards and forgive myself for all the
times I’ve felt shameful, less than enough, and unworthy of life.
I’ve also learned about the connection between my internal
feelings and also physical changes in the biology of my body that have
perpetuated the cycle of my disorder and I’m fascinated by it. My hormones and
my blood sugar regulation has been very affected by my patterns of restricting
and binging, I’m still working through the recovery of this balance now (stay
tuned for a long post on this topic). Sometimes this overwhelms me because I
feel some guilt for what I have put my beautiful body through. But I am also
seeing that this is just a beautiful part of my healing journey and my body
sends me messages that I need to listen to, to take steps forward. I often
haven’t been eating enough, in terms of amounts of varieties of food lately to
sustain my body and help me participate in
hot yoga, hockey and weight lifting. Likewise, my hamstring injury took
months to even slightly feel better, it’s about 90% now even though I slightly
tore it in October. My almost broken or possibly broken toe took 4-5 months as well.
I believe these have been physical messages from my body telling me to tune in,
to slow down and to R E S T. Which means more than one day of rest, and it’s
given me the opportunity to challenge my brain when my body wants 3 days off in
a row, I’m listening now. My body has not
been repairing itself because it needs more nourishment and it is telling me to
honour stillness, rest, and rejuvenation. I am excited to continue to play with
finding this balance in my life.
The last insight I’ll talk about today is that I have had a
very hard time setting boundaries in my life and using my voice to let others
know what is okay and what is not okay with me. I believe this started as a
child and has just blossomed ever since, to the point where I have believed for
much of life that this is just how I am. That is not the case, as human beings
we all need to tap into our power and stay true to ourselves especially when we
are being manipulated, unappreciated or taken advantage of. I’ve come to see
that many previous friendships and relationships were never on an equal level
in terms of respect, communication, sacrifice and honesty. I’m learning how to
practice standing up for myself, disagreeing politely and saying exactly how I
feel even if it makes others uncomfortable. The premise of setting firm boundaries
really makes me anxious when I over-think about it but it is the absolute
foundation required for healthy relationships for the rest of my life!!
This learning has been a product of my own personal reflection,
starting psychotherapy and playing with the discomfort I feel when I have to go
against my disordered ways of being. I feel grateful to be alive and actually
would not change a single thing that I
have been through because I believe my experience has set me up to help others
with their struggle and their healing. I believe I will appreciate the fullness
of life now from a new perspective because of what I have experienced and I am
so excited to make my mark in the world.
Xoxox
Ashley
