Exercise isn’t a tool to be used to control the space you take up in this world; exercise is a celebration of what your body is capable of

Guess who hasn’t gone to the gym in more than a week? Guess who has only done one slow- paced short workout in the past 15 days? Guess who doesn’t feel guilty at all? Rewind even just a month ago and it wouldn’t have been me raising my hand. In a growing era of sedentary living with multiple health diseases on the rise, physical activity is encouraged as a preventative measure as well as a treatment option for a wide range of diseases.  WHO states that 80% of people overall are too sedentary. Living a sedentary lifestyle has been correlated to many health problems, and is even considered to have twice the risk of early mortality than obesity. All of the research proves that we need to choose to move our bodies to improve our health and quality of life.  I absolutely agree, we need to get off the couch and move. But what happens when our idea of fit becomes distorted and it actually turns into an unhealthy obsession?

 As part of this generation’s obsession with being “fit” we are witnessing a social media epidemic of photos/videos promoting the “perfect” slender female body as fitspo aka fit inspiration (a rant for another day). It’s no wonder that so many of us try to get involved in the gym lifestyle, get overwhelmed or upset when we don’t see changes miraculously fast. Then give up while simultaneously feeling worthless for convincing ourselves that it’s our lack of willpower that caused us to fail. Just as our connection to fitness can positively enhance our lives it can negatively impact us as well; as we become jaded and cause a whole other set of physical and mental health issues. This paragraph feels like my autobiography of the last decade.

The gym used to be my saving grace, or so I thought. I would be so excited to get there after school/work and get a great pump in, especially leg workouts which I did 2-3 x a week. Most times I just had a mental framework of what my week would look like and I would go with the flow based on how sore I was. Some other times I would plan ahead and write down a strict schedule that I would get mad at myself for not following through with. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the feeling of completing an intense workout and focusing on improving my speed and mind-to-muscle connection. I also still know that the gym can provide so much more than just physical health benefits, such as improvements in anxiety and depression.  But somewhere along the line, the gym and working out started to become a cause of my anxiety, and it actually started to control my life. I was physically strong, leg pressing 630 pounds. But emotionally and spiritually drained, with no connection to myself.

It started off with prioritizing the gym over other aspects of my life. Basically it came before any and everything else in my life.I needed to work out or else I felt extreme guilt. Two days off in a row was just unacceptable. Then it progressed to cancelling events, avoiding the social sphere in order to work out more than once or for a few hours at a time. I know I lodged wedges in some of my friendships because of my last minute cancellations, but I had way too much pride to even admit to myself that I have a real problem. Consecutively I was in a vicious hate cycle with food, where I would stress binge-eat one day, and starve the next 1-2 days. If I had to miss a gym session, I would stress binge eat. If I started to think about all my due-dates, I would stress binge eat. If I noticed I had gained any weight on the scale or because my pants fit differently, I would stress binge eat (completely irrational but it’s reality). Then I would restrict my food plan to only lean meats and vegetables. I would “fail” to stick to this plan, and would hate myself for having one bowl of pasta, or one cookie. This would then trigger another episode of emotional eating because I could eat everything I like right now then start fresh tomorrow since I “failed.” Ironically it was just an ongoing cycle of self-sabotage because immediately after I would plan what workouts I had to do to prevent weight gain. This meant going to the gym sometimes 10 at night to just do cardio for 1-2 hours after I had already worked out.  This meant using laxatives which eventually lead to purging. This meant working out even when I had the chills and a fever. This even meant paying for a pass at a 24 hour gym because I NEEDED to. I recall one weekend I ate way too much on a Friday night so I decided I would not eat for the entire weekend during my hockey tournament. I double-shifted for 5 games and didn’t eat anything until Sunday night. The worst part is I felt so proud of myself for accomplishing that goal.

Where did I cross the line of engaging in fitness for fun and challenge to improve, to using fitness as a tool of self-destruction and to fuel my disorder? I don’t know the answer. But I do know that when I decided to be brutally honest with myself I was able to accept that only I can break this cycle and it won’t be a straight sprint to that finish line. My choice to focus on change started when I was told I was negatively affecting my adrenal function and I needed to slow down. I didn’t change my habits immediately, but that lead me to online research and self-reflection.  I can tell you that it took a few months after that, but I am choosing to drop my ego and to show my body the love it deserves, after all I live in her every day.  I am still not even close to recovered, I still have to focus on changing my assumptions and ways of thinking, but it is now my priority and I’m not scared to talk about it anymore.

It feels like I’m rambling so much about myself and my experiences, but this blog is not only to reach any and everyone who comes across it, I’m also writing to help me heal. Healing is a journey and when I write it feels like I’m releasing a lot of built up tension, and even learning more about myself.  I’m writing to help me but I also am writing in complete honesty because I want to change our perception of what it means to be fit and how we go about incorporating activity into our lives. I tried hot yoga about 3 years ago with my sister, and it was ridiculously hard because I lacked flexibility and had severe “hockey hips” as we call it (LOL). But I felt literally re-born at the end of a class and so I started to go more often. I went through periods where I would go almost every day, then I wouldn’t go again because I would mentally believe that I didn’t burn enough calories so I needed to prioritize my intense workouts. Just this past year I joined a separate studio and I really can’t get enough of it. I’ve gone every day for the past couple weeks and I practice at home as well. But I’m not practicing to burn calories, I’m not practicing to control my weight, I’m not practicing because my disorder told me I need to. I'm practicing because for the first time in years I finally feel free, for the first time since I can remember I feel connected to my body’s needs. 

I will still go to the gym when I wake up feeling like that’s what my body needs, but that is not how I feel today.  I will not think about how many calories I will burn. I will not stay for hours and I will not feel guilty for those choices. The key message I want to get across is that we have to find ways to move our body that we enjoy so it isn't a punishment, or a chore. I know way too many people who hate the gym but force themselves to go a few times a week to a trainer because that’s what everyone is doing. I understand if you are having health issues and you need the enthusiasm of a trainer to reach your goals, then sign up! But if you’re dragging yourself around in the gym, hating every second of your workout and just going through the motions to say to yourself that you did something today, WHAT IS THE POINT?! If you love swimming why are you running on the treadmill for hours when you have knee pain? If you hate the busyness of the gym setting, why are you forcing yourself to go at 5 pm every day? There are so many options to move your body in ways you love, such as: dancing at home, 4 minute Tabatha body-weight workouts, hiking, biking, rollerblading, sport leagues, tai chi, yoga, DVD videos, group boot-camps, pole-dancing. Life is too short to make routines and habits based off activities that drain your soul. I used to find it annoying that my siblings never wanted to come to the gym, now I realize I admire them for  staying true to themselves. 

We need to stop force feeding this idea that if you don’t go to conventional gyms you’re a reject and you better change that choice or else you don’t fit this society’s definition of “fit and healthy”. Studying physical education and teaching at university is exciting right now because phys-ed in schools is changing from a sport model to a healthy-for-life model where we encourage our youth to find ways they love to be active for life. Like every change it takes a long time to implement across the whole system, but we have taken the first step to make the necessary changes. As adults it might take us a long time to drop judgement and reflect on our own views and biases about what it means to be healthy and how we consciously choose to be active on a day to day basis. But we can do it as long as we keep the conversation going and keep talking about the stereotypes perpetuated on social media about what it means and what it looks like to be fit (I’m going to write an entry about this also soon.) This article really would never have an end, I could keep writing. I’ll finish here by saying listening, loving and healing your body takes time, because we have spent a lot of time throwing our bodies off balance with dysfunctional thoughts, processed foods, lack of activity and poor sleep patterns. So as we move forward, be patient with your body; nothing long-lasting happens overnight. Food isn’t your enemy to hate; food is your friend to fuel. Of equal importance, exercise isn’t a tool to be used to control the space you take up in this world; exercise is a celebration of what your body is capable of.

Is that voice really me?

It took me a while to come back to my writing, I avoided it at all costs and made excuses as to why I didn’t have the time or why I didn’t feel like it. The truth is, I have all the time in the world and a lot of words to say, I just stopped believing I had the right to say them. I felt like since I sometimes am not able to practice what I preach about emitting positive energy into the world and putting my self-love first that I am not worthy of writing on those topics. Then a couple days ago the truth hit me fast and I realized that self-doubt is EXACTLY why I need to write on these topics, because it is something we all face in some way at some point in our lives and it is what’s holding us back from growth and manifesting everything we need to in this life.

We spend our whole childhood learning how to fit in to society; learning right from wrong, learning to share, learning that lying has consequences and learning to communicate our wants/needs. We are taught the concept of ‘I’, not only to attract what we want but to personally identify with “ourselves” to engage in and better understand our self-dialogue as we grow up. The problem is that our internal dialogue and the conversations we have with ourselves in our mind are not always from our true selves. Sometimes the voice in our head and the messages we accept as our truth are parasites that tell us we are not capable, that we are unworthy and we must choose another route. Perhaps if we focused self-learning from an early age on challenging these parasites and identifying when they are invading our internal dialogue we could help our children to become more in tune with themselves as they grow into adulthood. That way they can make decisions that are more in sync with their spiritual calling and less out of fear.

Education is crucial to learning, growing and learning who we are at our core. I’m not talking about traditional schooling, I’m talking about a lifelong quest to know more; searching, listening, reading, conversing to help us connect more with ourselves. The deepest problems arise when we are not even conscious of the parasites in our internal dialogue and we accept them as our own internal voice; we label them “I”. The parasites remind us that we must lower our standards, that we won’t achieve that goal. Or that we can’t follow that passion because we might not have financial stability, that we are not worthy of buying that dress because we have not lost enough weight, that we are not yet complete enough to contribute to a healthy relationship. Having the ability to step back and reflect on our internal dialogue and decipher which voices are actually ours and which are the parasites takes concentrated time, effort and practice but when do we ever even learn how to do this? We don’t, so for many of us we drift through each day accepting the parasites as part of our identity and thus letting them control our outcomes. Unless we increase our awareness and consequently can identify our true voice vs. our self-limiting beliefs the cycle continues because it is left unchallenged. It is an awakening experience to recognize that the parasites are keeping us in a perceived comfort zone that is ridiculously uncomfortable when we have a deeper knowing that we are here to achieve more, to be more.

I truly believe that these parasites are to blame when we experience that feeling that something is missing in our lives but we just can’t figure out what it is. If you know this earning, you also know that it’s powerful enough to consume you especially when your internal dialogue has a lot of time to run wild.  Maybe that’s why we distract ourselves with physical mundane activities so we can focus on something physical, so we don’t have to settle into the uncomfortable wandering of our mind’s negotiations. I know that I have done this for years, in multiple ways, some healthy, some unhealthy. Even sometimes now I’ll fall back into a cycle where I am not truly in tune with myself and I’m just going through the motions to get through each day. I think that’s why I made excuses as to why I had nothing new to write about, because my own parasites told me that since I drift in and out of connection with myself that I’m not qualified to be writing about mental health, self-love, and embracing spirituality. I finally decided today to fight back and admit to myself that I know these parasites are only keeping me in my comfort zone which ironically is making me uncomfortable because I know it’s time to leave that zone, I know it’s time to grow. I also know that healing isn’t linear, it’s a roller-coaster and that is not anything to be ashamed of.

When we’re young people ask us what we want to be when we grow up, and we have the greatest aspirations because nothing is out of reach or off limits for us. Most often we receive support for whatever response we give as well. “I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter, a painter, a surgeon, a pilot, a teacher, an author, an athlete.” Then as we grow and are asked the same question, the support slowly decreases and we are told to be more realistic or to pick a route that will provide us with more opportunity for monetary success. At what point in our existence did we stop listening and appreciating our inner child and our deepest earning for self-fulfillment? Why do we contradict ourselves and give our children false hope if we’re one day going to turn our backs on them and tell them that their sights are set too high and that they should lower their standards? We spend many years when our children are the youngest letting them live in their brave, dream bubbles and then at some point they cross a threshold where we continuously challenge what we've encouraged them to strive for.

No matter who we are, what we have achieved, where we are on our journey, we all experience self-doubt and fear. It isn’t about trying to change yourself so you don’t experience this at all. It’s about practising being aware of the parasites in your internal dialogue so that you can feel and embrace the fear rising in you, then let it go. By becoming aware of how our fear is holding us back we can consciously choose to not let it control us anymore. Then we can set out to grow in any area of our life with confidence because we know the parasite telling us we are inadequate is not a voice of our own. We are always worthy of love because we are love, even when we take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, what matters is that we take our new-found knowledge to help us take another 3 steps forward. Imagine a world where we helped our children to be in tune with themselves and their internal dialogue. Imagine we helped them identify self-limiting beliefs so that they don’t let them control their lives. Imagine a world where we don’t tell our children to dream big and then shut them down for those same dreams. It is possible, and it will take time, but it has already started because we are awakening.

Energy is Everything

Have you ever found yourself questioning why you’re going through something in your life you feel like you truly don’t deserve? So many times in my own life when experiencing betrayal or intense hurt inflicted by the actions of others I would ponder what has led me to the current circumstances, usually resulting in me feeling overwhelmed, lost and inadequate. I would question what I could have done differently to have changed the course of events or change the outcome of the current situation. More often than not I convinced myself I had to be a bit less open with my love and sensitivity, because it either scares people away or gets taken advantage of.

Ironically, I never wanted to admit to myself that every single situation that hurt me happened because I ignored my intuition and took everything personally.  Your inner guidance is whispering to you every second of every day, but if you’re so consumed in your physical existence it’s easy to miss the spiritual answers given to you so freely. I feel like I have failed to remember that every single person is on their own journey of soul-growth, even if they aren’t aware of it yet, and I am not the director of theirs. The second you meet someone, or get a response that causes you to feel uneasy, follow that direction because it is leading you to a truth your soul already knows. This feeling is not always negative. In your life you will meet people and feel like you instantaneously connect, that is a message for you to follow as well. Over the years I had forced myself to mute this inner voice, because I wasn’t learning the lessons that I needed to. I unconsciously attracted and sought connections and relationships that were lessons in disguise of people. The lesson I had to learn: you can’t fix people. You can’t force another to live in alignment with their soul and silence their ego. Only they can do it for themselves, and you already know in your soul who in your life is draining you, whether intentional or not.

Take a few moments to self-reflect on what has seemingly occurred over and over again in your life, with different people, in different years, in different circumstances. If you honestly allow yourself to analyze the cyclical pattern of your life, while simultaneously silencing your ego, you will learn how you are holding yourself back. Everything and everyone you attract in your life is because of the energy you project into the universe, every day. Not just through physical interactions, but through your thoughts, intentions and investment in self-growth. If you feel overwhelmed by toxicity or superficial connections, it is because you are allowing them to develop in your life and they will continue to do so until you break your own cycles through learning the lessons you need to, to grow. When you can accept that you need to shed all these layers you have grown as a self-protective shield you open your life up to the bliss, unlimited happiness and the infinite love that you desire. It means living in a way that is true to your deepest existence, and it makes letting go easy because you instantaneously know when something or someone has served their purpose in your journey. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel pain anymore, it just means that the pain doesn’t linger and limit your ability to connect with your authentic self. It also allows you to be conscious of other’s stages of growth and let go of trying to teach what can only be learned through self-growth.

I recently went through a huge personal shift, which has led me to where I am today, sharing my personal writing and experiences to help myself heal. I’m hoping it reaches others out there to do so as well. The best part of this shift is that all around me I see, feel and am attracting positivity, love, selflessness and happiness. I am accidentally meeting people who are devoted to their own consciousness journey, through social media, work, and existence in general. I have been called out of the blue, re-connected with close friends from the past who have just lost touch, but who also are in a state of self-healing and growth. There is nothing that occurs in your life due to coincidence, everything flows with divine timing and purpose. Even the most subtle hints that you will never notice if you don’t make an effort to absorb them, are miniature soul messages from the energy you are manifesting in your existence.

At first this transition made me feel isolated and withdrawn because I found myself exhausted by the presence of so much other energy that I couldn’t shield myself from. I still would often rather spend time either alone or around someone I am intensely connected with. I have started to get even more frustrated with superficiality, obsessions with money and small talk with lack of substance. I used to force myself to flow with this energy because I was convinced if I spent enough time in it’s presence it would make sense to me. It never has, and never will, but I finally have found the courage to admit to myself the depth I seek in life will manifest when I unapologetically live and exist in that depth in everything I do.

For myself I have consistently been the more open, sensitive one compared to many of the people surrounding me in my life. To be honest this sensitivity felt like a burden, I remember hearing the quote in high-school “Show no love, love gets you killed” and I remember reciting that quote to myself for a while and wondering why that seemed so easy for others to embody. I have allowed superficiality to perpetuate in my life and even distort my frame of reference because I would let it exist unchallenged. I ignorantly convinced myself that I could simplify the depths of my curiosity and mute my earning for depth by blending in with others who seem content and satisfied with the most superficial ways of living. Even though I knew something needed to change, it was fear of the unknown that held me back from embracing a holistic transition into an entirely different reality. It was this stagnant way of living I was accepting that triggered the same type of negative energy to manifest in my life, over and over again because I would not learn the lessons I needed to. The longer you put off stepping out of your comfort zone and facing the lessons your soul demands you to, the longer you are living at war with your soul purpose. You will continuously attract pain, loss, discomfort and negativity until you are forced to consciously choose to break your own cycles.

As I’ve grown I convinced myself I would attract energy of infinite love and passion since that is how I choose to love the people in my life, so I believed that I should receive the same in return. I was ignoring the fact that I was great at pouring love into other people, but I had no idea how to love myself and so the energy I was emitting was fearful and vulnerable. As I started to dedicate concentrated time and effort to explore who I am at my deepest existence I was, and I am able to identify the parts of my soul that need healing, the parts that are holding me back from existence in unconditional love. When you silence your personality, to help you connect to your deepest being you will truly hear the messages your ego prevents you from hearing while you’re venturing through your every day responsibilities. The more time and patience you give yourself to truly understand your being, the less you will find yourself living to meet other’s needs and sacrificing your values to maintain a neutrality in relationships that limit you. My sensitivity used to feel like a burden, now I know my sensitivity is my superpower and I want you to know that yours is too.

Love your Chaos

Don’t worry, be happy. Sounds like such a simple notion; a simple phrase that sums up how we ought to flow through life. The irony is that many of us do just the opposite. We constantly worry, and as a result we are often searching for happiness as if it can be found in an item for purchase. I’ll be happy once I get my paycheck next week. I’ll be happy once I get a new job because I’m not progressing in my current position. I’ll be happy once I get a boyfriend because I’ve been feeling lonely. I’ll be happy when I start shedding the pounds. I’ll be happy once I am out of school because then I can start making money. The list goes on and on. We miss out on life’s biggest lesson of all, and that is that happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a state of mind we can CHOOSE to live in throughout our entire life journey. It starts when we can can let go of the outcomes and focus on living out our intentions in every way. The results that are meant for you will come to you once you stop trying to control what is meant to be left to the flow of life itself.

I think the first time I really noticed how much I rush everything was when I first went to Jamaica for a vacation in 2015. The environment was more laid-back, comfortable and unhurried than I was used to. At first it felt uncomfortable for me to adjust, but the epiphany I had was really insightful because I realized how easy it is to enjoy the simple things in life when you slow down and truly take everything around you in. I consciously made a promise to myself that I would strive to live more patiently and with less focus on the outcomes when I returned home. But of course it’s easy to fall back into your normal routine and that plan didn’t last for long after I returned back to school. But time and time again with self-reflection I realize that is what holds me captive and limits my progress and so today I chose to write about how rushing has actually slowed me down.

Before I was able to take a step back to reflect on my habits I wasn’t even aware that I was rushing in almost every area of my life, every single day. I used to wake up late, rush to get to school or work. I rush when I’m walking around, my speed always looks like I’m on a mission with a time limit. I rush conversations, my talking speed is like an auctioneer trying to sell items. I rush cooking and eating my food and I end up snacking before my meals ready. I rush studying and get frustrated with myself when I can’t immediately understand or memorize concepts. I can’t put my finger on when I started to do everything at lightning speed, but I can tell you that I have reflected and made a deliberate intention to slow down in everything I’m doing to enjoy the process, to enjoy the little things. For many of us, this might take deliberate practice and self-talk to change our habits, but I promise you will notice all the difference in the world as you start to become more aware of the beauty of the process. The beauty of waking up before the sun rise and drinking coffee in peace. The beauty in the scenery around you while you’re walking to your next destination. The beauty of understanding what others are communicating to you, beyond just their words. The beauty in patience and enjoyment on a warm, home cooked meal.

In this generation it seems like we are all under a lot of pressure, from our families, society and even ourselves to succeed in traditional education and figure out our careers as soon as possible. I remember leaving grade twelve thinking “I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, how can I make such a drastic decision at this age.” Even when we don’t consciously assess this pressure, it is still existent and affects our state of mind, our decisions, and thus our enjoyment of our lives. I know I’m not alone when I say that when I have been studying over the years for University exams and I get fed up it feels like the world is ending. I’ve wanted to scream, or possibly even have screamed “WHY AM I SO INVESTED IN THIS STUPID COURSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE, BUT THIS TEST OUTCOME FEELS LIKE IT CONTROLS MY LIFE.” Of course a bit of anxiety can be beneficial, it means we care about the results. But we have this false perception that our self-worth and life success depends entirely on a sum number value from all the tests and exams we have taken. 

I’m sending my love and thoughts your way if you are struggling through this currently, because although I’m done with University exams, it is very easy for me to remember the overwhelming stress they brought to my life. I want to remind you that we are in an entirely new time, where most people have at least 7 career changes in their lives. Likewise, if you graduate with a specific degree there is much opportunity for growth in areas entirely unrelated to your schooling. But most important I want to remind you that you are so much more important than the education you decide to, or decide not to pursue. Your success in your life is not dependent on your achievement in a government-institution, it is a result of your drive to succeed and your discipline to follow through. Traditional schooling is the route for some, and although I struggled, I am overly grateful for the experiences and critical thinking skills I have developed. On another note, some of the most successful and driven people I know have left traditional education because it didn't suit their learning needs.There are many ways to achieve success in your life, whether or not you pay $40,000+ an expensive piece of paper.

If you are struggling to make it through and you don’t know what your route is after school, you are not alone. I would guess over 75% of us are in the same boat. I know I spent way too many hours worrying about the future, over-thinking about what could go wrong. Throughout your education journey don’t lose site of who you are because you are focusing solely on the numbers your institution posts under your name on your report card. Invest in experiences that you love, because most of your growth and learning takes place outside of the classroom. Invest in yourself, in your health, because you only have one body to cherish in this life. Stop trying to plan every future moment and outcome in your life because when you are so tunnel-vision focused on the outcomes you will miss out on the hints and messages the universe are trying to show you about yourself that help you grow. All that is meant to be will be, all that is meant to come into your life will come. Likewise, all that is meant to leave your life after a chapter or two will leave. 

The trick is practicing non-attachment, and learning to develop trust in the chaos of life. This is about practicing bringing awareness to your thoughts, and not reacting but rather just letting them pass. Likewise, this is not about reaching a final destination of bliss, with no worries. We will all face stressful circumstances in our lives, in and beyond school. But through developing resilience we choose not to let them define us, and we can find strength in letting go of the outcomes. You will be successful, you figure out where you are meant to be, and you will be happy; but only if you deliberately release your expectations and live life as it comes.

The dark side of fitness

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a title for this article and I can’t seem to find a word or a phrase to sum it up. I feel like no title will give this experience justice because it’s depth goes beyond what a few words could cover. Mental health is the over-arching topic, an area we are finally speaking up about and taking seriously in our society; as depression and anxiety are on the rise. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever opened up about but I am finally ready because I no longer let fear stop me from saying what needs to be said.

It all started the year I quit competitive hockey when I was 16. I had played since I was 7 and I was playing 6+ times a week, sometimes training multiple times in a day on 3 different teams. Not to mention I had soccer training throughout those months too. That year I decided I was done with hockey, for reasons unrelated to this article, and so I started to worry about how fat I would get once I stopped training so hard, so often. This single worry escalated into me worrying every single day about how many calories I was burning, whether I was eating too much and trying to determine how I could match personal workouts to the intensity of my hockey training. At first, I tried cutting meals out entirely, so I would skip breakfast. I planned to eat a small lunch, some raw vegetables for a snack and then dinner with my family. Then I escalated to cutting my lunch portion in half, and avoiding snacks entirely. I was still working out about 5x a week on my own and I was starving my body but convinced that I was going to get obese if I ate more. Then the binging started. I was starving myself to the point that my body was desperate for food. I would hit my lowest, and lose all control and eat everything I could find in an emotional frenzy, often in secret. I was so ashamed, disgusted and overwhelmed with myself, so I would plan to starve myself for the next 1-3 days and then start a new diet plan so I could maintain or even lose some more weight.

When University started this cycle only intensified, because of the additional pressures of first year as well as my overwhelming fear of failure. My starving and binging cycles continued, and I started to workout twice or more a day because it was my remedy for stress and also an opportunity for me to burn calories, which was on my mind 24.7. For some distorted reason I was convinced that if I achieved the body of my dreams my entire life would be fine. University would be easy for me, I wouldn’t have anxiety anymore, my relationship problems would solve themselves, and I would live happily ever after. Somewhere in the mess of my reality I wanted to limit the calories my body stored even more, so I tried purging as well. It worked sometimes for me, but not often, so I resorted to laxatives. This only made my anxiety and depression so much worse. I could barely function throughout the day because I was severely dehydrated, exhausted, and not absorbing the nutrients I needed to be healthy. Reflecting on the lowest lows of my eating disorder I honestly don’t know how I had the motivation to train so hard and put my body through so much when it was just crying for rest, self-love, patience and healing.

I would go through ups and downs throughout the years, and when I was up I would convince myself I was over this eating disordered phase of my life. The times when I was able to find a middle ground I felt like I had broken the negative cycle, but ultimately food still ran my life. I would count every calorie, read every package, over-exercise, feel guilty if I missed a workout, “start over on Monday”. My obsession with fitness started to control my life and it became my number one priority. I would spend almost three hours in the gym, most days of the week. I would cancel plans with friends and family because I needed to go back to the gym. I judged myself entirely based on my body and no matter what I achieved I was never satisfied with how I looked, or felt. If I had to miss a workout because of work, or a family obligation I would skip a meal because that was just necessary for me to feel in control. One time when I got off my flight at 1 am from a trip, I drove to a 24-hour gym because I felt guilty for taking a few days off and I forced myself to workout even though I hadn’t slept. I would make excuses, new plans, new diets, new workouts all just to make me feel like I was improving, like I was going to be in control because if I could get control then my life would be perfect. I only fluctuated between 115-130 pounds at my heaviest so although I was struggling immensely on the inside, on the outside it would appear like everything was fine. I know I did a great job at hiding it from almost everyone. 

I was in such denial that I needed help, not only because I knew many people knew me as “the girl who loves fitness”, but because I hate asking for help, it makes me feel weak. Over and over again I would convince myself I could break this cycle on my own, because I had let myself fall into it entirely on my own right? Wrong. Yes, my choices, actions and consequences are my responsibility but I know the bigger picture influenced me. From an early age we are taught as young females to compare ourselves to others around us based on our looks and body size. I remember watching cartoons, disney movies, playing with barbies, looking at skinny older girls and hoping I would look like them. Then the magazines, celebrity interests and models at clothing stores perpetuate this idea that the normalized thin body is desirable and crucial to be worthy of love; not only from others but from ourselves. We blindly, even subconsciously internalize the notion that our worth is directly relatable to our weight on the scale or our body shape in the mirror. Who knew such a corrupt and distorted concept would run my life for so many years. I know it’s not just me, many of us females alike are surfing Instagram looking at fitness models. We try to copy their workout regimes, even purchase their plans, buy  into diets, feel guilty when we treat ourselves, write down our goal weight and wait to celebrate the day we achieve it.

What if we start to celebrate now? Celebrate who you are right now, no matter the number on the scale. Celebrate your smile, your achievements, your patience, your finesse. Celebrate your strengths, your career advances, your entire life.  If you are overweight, experiencing health problems and want to change so you can improve your quality of life, then YES YOU GO GIRL. If you want to start working out to increase your confidence, then PUT WORK IN. But we need to join together as a unified force and stop this pursuit of the “perfect body” when it means sacrificing our happiness, confidence and self-worth in exchange. When we prioritize our health with only the external body in mind we are only setting ourselves up for self-sabotage and it means we need to take a step back and assess what areas of our lives we need to change. Ask yourself what in your life is not making you happy? What is holding you back? What do you know you need to focus on? For me, I have a high fear of  failure, a huge tendency to over-think what-ifs, a fear of being lonely and a growing pressure to figure out my purpose in life which I could never quite put my finger on. I’m focusing now on feeling my emotions rise, and listening to my thoughts before I react. That way I can reflect and correct my intentions when they are unhealthy and negative. I am finally finding a balance, through participating in boot camp, the gym, soccer, yoga, and most importantly REST. I am listening to myself for the first time in years.

I know now that wherever I end up in this life will be somewhere I am meant to be, because I am no longer forcing, rushing or worrying my life away. I am surrendering to where I am right now because I know that it is where I need to be. I trust that whatever path I end up taking into the future will be meant for me, and I know this courage I randomly found in myself to talk about what I struggle with is part of my healing. I hope that as I continue to heal that I can reach others who struggle as well, to help them recognize their worth and see how bright of a light they shine in this world. If you or anyone you know wants to talk please message me, I look forward to it. I am not sharing my struggle with you because I want you to feel bad for me, I don’t ever feel bad for myself anymore. I feel excited because I know everything happens for a reason and I can try my best to help keep the conversation going, and help others who suffer.  I want to show everyone who can’t figure out how to start loving themselves that today is the day to start. We can begin by extending compassion to ourselves through forgiveness. I want us all to unite, to stand up against the perpetuating idea of the “perfect” slim body. I want us to keep spreading love to everyone around us because we are so full of love ourselves that we are overflowing.

 I am so tired of attributing my self-worth to a physical number, when I have so much beyond that to learn, experience and offer. We are not only a number on a scale, we are not only beautiful if we are slender or if we are curvy. We are all beautiful, we are all spiritual beings having a human experience.  As soon as we start loving our bodies and treating them with compassion we will be on the right path to cultivating a heathy relationship with ourselves. I am still healing, I still struggle. Some days are harder than others but I am ready to love myself as hard as I love the people around me. Birth-marks, cellulite, stretch-marks, rolls, muscles, and every other part of you is a beautiful piece of your unique puzzle to be shared, loved and cherished in this life. I am done this seemingly endless war with my body and the only way I am fighting back now is with love.

Welcome

Good Morning beautiful people, I'm so excited you've ended up on my blog. Whether it was curiosity, a referral or an accident that led you here I hope my writing reaches you on some level.

The last month has been different for me, I've withdrawn from my regular routine and found comfort in reading for hours, relaxing and self-reflection. Growing up I always had a passion for books and writing, I wanted to learn and read everything I could and I would often finish a book in one sitting. I used to type mini-novels as well as reflection journals in my spare time, I would stay up all hours of the night and sneak on an ancient laptop to write. Somewhere along the years discomfort surfaced, and I felt like I was different from other children my age, but not positively. I felt different in a way that would isolate me. I convinced myself that these passions were toxic and thus I had to give them up if I wanted to fit in. Seemingly, even when I started writing again a couple years back I would feel undeniable shame, so my passion for writing was a task I would complete in hiding. I  didn't even realize that simply hiding my love for words and healing was literally done out of a lack of self-love. Now I want to make up for lost time, I can't wait to explore, share, write and reflect on all this world has to offer.

As I'm sitting here contemplating what to write in this introduction, self-doubt fluttered through my mind with a side of  fear. I used to listen to to those voices as they began to rise and I let anxiety dictate and ultimately control me- my decisions, my pursuits, my life. I was like a ticking time bomb, seemingly content but easily disrupted by others choices, actions even just their energy. I have lived impulsively, allowing external factors and others to completely determine my mood, peace of mind and ultimately my level of self-love. When I finally accepted my sensitivity about three years ago, I made conscious efforts to spread love. Ironically I was doing so in every direction except internally. I have been pouring and pouring love, into everyone and everything around me but for years I didn't even want to admit that I didn't know how to love myself.  I'm choosing now to fight back against my fear, not only in this blog but every single day of my life. If you have any topic suggestions, or just want to talk, please don't hesitate to contact me.  I'm going to write about sensitive topics, experiences I've endured and basically anything that helps me, and hopefully you, move towards or maintain an inner peace that is unshakable.

  This doesn't mean I believe we can ever silence our fears, it just means we can learn to feel fear rise and tell it that we're not going to let it control our lives.We are all beautiful sources of infinite light and love, here to support each other as we learn to wholeheartedly embrace our authentic selves. The light in my acknowledges the light in you; I only hope you can begin to see how bright your light can shine. Sending compassion and abundance your way, and so the raw, unfiltered journey begins...

<3