Your inner-dialogue and your relationship with yourself

Have you ever stopped mid-thought and realized the voice in your head is relaying information to you on a negative vibration? That’s truly the first step to  bringing awareness to how our thoughts shape our relationship with ourselves, but it’s easier said than done. We spend our entire lives with the voice in our head that speaks to us, so we have been conditioned to accept it as “I”. This voice must be your innermost self right? The self that directs you in life, the self that helps you make decisions, the self that determines what stresses you out vs. what you can release freely. The scary thing is we’ve become so connected to this voice that we often don’t even take an extra second to reflect on how often this voice is putting us down vs. lifting us up. What if I told you this voice isn’t really you, because the real you is cool, calm and collected in all circumstances, just observing the flow of life, with no judgements at all. 

Our self-talk has become so engrained in our lives that we don’t even question it as we grow into adults because we’ve become so used to it’s presence since we were children. It’s just our own voice in our minds, it’s not a random intruder voice that requires mental illness intervention, or a deceased loved one trying to send us a message, it’s just us, so we say. But if we can dig a bit deeper beyond the surface and actually invest effort into bringing awareness to how our inner dialogue flows on a daily basis we can learn some seriously valuable lessons. For one, we can start to notice how often this voice that speaks to us tells us we cannot do something. You are not good enough. You are not beautiful enough. You must shrink back into our comfort zone. You must remain quiet to avoid stirring the pot. This is the best you can get. You can’t do this. Who do you think you are? The crazy thing about these thoughts is that we believe them. We listen to them without a second  thought. We shrink and we silence ourselves without even even entertaining the possibility that this voice has no credit. Do you really think that the true you would tell you that you are incapable? Or that you are unworthy of love? Or that are you not going to succeed? Those type of thoughts are not you, they are a voice inside you that has manifested as self-doubt and fear- a voice that lives inside you and becomes stronger when we let it tell us what we are worth idly. Even when we become aware of the voice of fear it still takes practice to identify and eliminate it’s control over us it every time it tries to over-power our thoughts.

But when we make a conscious decision to put in that effort, we improve because practice makes permanent. It becomes easier to respond to fear before it gains momentum and sway over us the more we confront it with confidence and understanding. That way instead of letting fear get a few sentences in edge-wise, we can bring awareness to it right when we feel it rising in us and consciously choose to change our frame of reference, or even just let the thought flow through us but remain unattached. There are many beautiful results that will come with practicing this way of being.

For myself, that first result I am noticing is that I am having way less issues establishing boundaries in all my connections to others. I’ve always been a conflict-avoider, even if it meant internally struggling or silencing myself out of avoidance. But the more I practice identifying fear as an intruder the more I realize that boundaries are absolutely crucial to establish and defend because that is the only way to grow in respectful, equal and positive relationships. When I am fail at being open and upfront about my boundaries it is like an invitation for others to take advantage, never meet me halfway and from there connections always take a turn for the worst. That’s not to say it’s always another’s fault for this change of pace. It is just as equally my fault for silencing myself and holding back my words out of fear. Remember, others can’t read our minds and if we fear speaking up to communicate we are contributing to the break-down of our relationships because the dynamic will change and we will be disconnected. To avoid conflict with others in our lives by silencing ourselves is the beginning of an internal war which can lead to feeling of anxiety, helplessness, loss of control and more. Imagine we just all practiced saying how we truly feel, with compassion, so that everything is out in the open.

Another positive outcome I am noticing is that I am living more true to myself in all ways. It’s about saying yes when I know deep in my soul that it is right, and saying no when there is any hesitation because my intuition always knows best, so does yours. When I listen to the voice of fear I live in an anxious place where I am more worried about living small, trying to find a regular 9-5, dating just so I’m not “alone”, devoting my spare time to activities that I feel I am obliged to attend, etc. Whatever it is for you, you will notice when you are just going about your days as if everything feels like a duty. It is such an freeing feeling to say No to shit you don’t want. “No, I am going to seek the career of my dreams and although it is outside the box I don’t want to live in this damn box anyways.” “I don’t feel a connection with this guy I’m seeing so I’m not going to waste either of our time just because I fear loneliness.” “I don’t want to go to this party, I need alone time to re-fuel.” These are all examples of how my external world begins to change when I do what I need to, for the deepest part of myself, and it brings into my existence a serenity that is hard to put into words.

Furthermore, the more we allow this voice of fear to flow through us, just observing it with no judgements attached, the more we can dissociate from it, thus removing it’s power over us. Then without even knowing how we’re doing it we start to attract opportunities from every direction that are meant for us because we are living in total alignment. It might be a new hobby, new friends who feel like soulmates, a career change, a powerfully positive relationship, or anything else that lights us up from the inside out. The universe is entirely made of energy, we are extensions of this vast beautiful place- beings made of life energy. When we align ourselves and find balance in our being, we are flowing, and at ease in whatever we face.  This is not the same as living easy. This doesn’t mean that life will be easy, it means that we can take what comes to us and face it with strength, as well as compassion for ourselves, and we will create ease on our journeys of self-love.

Our lives are built on our decisions, and how we make decisions is reflective of our inner dialogue that guides us through our days. If we are not present in our own mental dialogue then we will feel like victims, like we have no say in who we are to be. We will feel disconnected from meaning. We will feel powerless and start to settle. Do not settle for anything in this life. You are destined for greatness, however you define greatness, it is yours. The voice of self-doubt is a sneaky one, and if we let her, she will rule our lives. So how about today you decide you are going to start to bring awareness to how often she speaks to you. When she tells you to play small, observe and then instead of arguing with her or becoming angry at yourself for thinking negatively, just shrug her off and say “nah I’m going for the big leagues baby.”

There is no finish line in ED Recovery

It’s taken me a little while to admit the truth to myself again,  thus it has also taken me a little while to find the  courage to write this post. Epiphanies come to us at various times in our lives, related to any area of our self-growth, but sometimes embracing the lesson and being open to it’s implications is hard. Mental Health awareness is growing, thankfully, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. Likewise, disorders such as eating disorders and addictions tend to be lifelong challenges. They aren't like the flu, that can be debilitating but then you overcome it. They are nagging, long-term and with you constantly even after you have entered recovery phases, which generally look like a yo-yo. The medical system still has so many flaws in terms of  helping individuals with eating disorders as well. For instance, in my circumstances I started a journey of personal healing on my own, without seeking professional help because inpatient programs are only for those who are literally  close to death in severity of eating disorders like anorexia. There is a different kind of stigma associated with ED-NOS (not otherwise specified) and combination ED's like bulimia and binge-eating, that I would classify mine as. I decided a few months ago to ask for some professional psychologist support through my doctor's office and I was given a referral to a psychologist via fax that I was waiting for a reply from. The first problem was that I didn't get a reply for over a month. But the real problem was that they demanded I take a specific blood test before they would even consider making one appointment with me, which was to test for certain markers that signal bodily disruption. I failed that blood test, my results weren't horrible enough for me to deserve some help. In other words, I was not deemed physically sick enough to qualify for professional help for my eating disorder.  This type of denial is seriously fucked up. I'm pretty sure the medical system wouldn't deny someone their right for support in the early stages of diabetes... "Sorry ma'am you're not dying from diabetes yet so you'll have to wait until you are." PFFFF ya right. I hope now that I'm graduated from University I can somehow contribute to improvements in the field because this type of system is just unacceptable. Everyone deserves support, whether it is for a physical or mental illness. If someone is reaching out for help it is because they need it, and turning them away is really just a punch in the face. Thank god for the support I have from my family and close friends, as well as my interest in reading and self-growth that has empowered me to continue on my healing journey independently. I am likely going to pay anyways for some professional or group support because there is no harm in creating a community around you to help you.

 As I’ve finally come out publicly with my blog entry about years of struggling with an eating disorder, this new chapter in my life has brought on novel challenges that I cope with and am learning to overcome. It is a wonderful chapter, sometimes a challenge, but there is always beauty in the struggle. I felt a huge release and weight lifted off my shoulders when I wrote the entry about learning to live in self-love and vowing to quit the unhealthy routine my body had become so used to- limiting calories, binging, over-exercising. Basically I was living in a very unconnected state to my body and her needs.  Right now marks about 4 months of a transitional period where I have drastically  changed my routine and took a break from the gym lifestyle that I had become so accustomed to. I finally reached a place where I haven’t been concerned about how many calories I burn a day. I stopped feeling guilty for not exercising on a daily basis. I only did about 3 minor easy workouts over the course of this time, because I felt like it, and enjoyed it. I started to fuel my body with whole foods, and incorporated a lot more fruit in my diet to help myself get over the false idea that sugar is fruit, so therefore fruit should be limited. During this time period I have felt relatively good and have had a lot of time to self-reflect. I did start to attend hot yoga 4-6 x a week, which is a great combination of physicality and meditation which has transformed my personal ability to retreat inwards during episodes of acute anxiety and find peace through breathing. I did however realize in the last two weeks as I traveled and broke free from that routine that I had started to use yoga as another form of exercise control. I would sometimes attend a hot class when I felt dehydrated and exhausted, ignoring my body’s signals for rest. I know I have an addictive personality and that when I enjoy something so much sometimes I let it take over, but I’m grateful that I can at least identify when this happens and come up with a plan to find more balance.

Over this 2 month time period of basically no intense exercise (no weights, no cardio, no gym) I have lost quite a bit of weight, but it was unintentional,at least I thought. My focus wasn't the number on the scale. At my heaviest about a year ago I was 130 pounds, but this was in the height of my binging and starving patterns. A few months ago I was around 118 pounds and comfortable as I moved into this chapter of self-love. Friends and basically everyone I have run into lately have made comments about how I’m super lean, really tiny, lost a lot of weight, etc. Some say it in a positive way, like a compliment. Others say it in a concerned way. Others say it and then tell me I need to gain some weight back and that I look better thick-muscular. I’ve learned to block out other’s comments as much as a I can, mostly because they’re triggers, even though I know others don’t mean them to be. My conscious goal with moving into this recovery chapter of my life was not to lose pounds or be skinny, but I realize with some self-reflection now that I will likely always have to hear the little voice in my head that reminds me how afraid I am to be fat. Thus, subconsciously I have been limiting my intake of foods that I fear are very calorie dense especially since I am less active. This chapter has been so so soooo beautiful, I have learned so much about myself and I am in a much better place than I have ever been in terms of connectedness to my body, but I am still allowing this little internal voice to boss me around. It says things like: “don’t eat it’s 10 pm and you’re just watching movies aka being inactive.”  Or “you don’t need those potatoes or rice, just have spinach because you don’t do cardio anymore.” Or “you can’t eat dessert because those are unhealthy sugars and you’re not burning enough calories anymore to have leeway in your eating.” I think the hardest part about this voice is that you think it is YOURSELF talking. I think it is I, Ashley, reminding me of my body’s needs and thus is positive by nature. But this voice is not Ashley at all. This voice is an intruder that we will call ED for now to conceptualize it. ED invades my consciousness and tries to have ultimate control. Sometimes ED wins the battle, but I promise she will never win the war. I will always fight back. As I started to identify this  voice and admit that it is not a part of who I am and it does not have good intentions, ED just changed how she was delivering her messages to me. This voice (we all have a voice) disguised herself, which she is very good at, so that I would continue to listen to her and accept her intentions were my own intentions. When you, or I in this case, accept this voice as a part of me, she is winning at this game of deception and doing so in a very sneaky way. 

I started to research healthy eating because of my interests, and also veganism because my sister has transitioned based on environmental sustainability, animal rights and personal health. I became intrigued by the research on the meat + dairy industry, but my reasons were directly connected to personal health. My interest started because of some stomach issues lately that I am trying to determine the cause of, and also skin care because I sometimes struggle with periods of bad breakouts. About a year ago I limited my dairy intake, cut cow milk, cheese and yogurt from my diet completely except when I ate pizza the odd time. In the last few months I completely cut out dairy in all forms, including chocolate and desserts. The past 3 weeks I also cut out eggs and meat. Then about 2 weeks ago I cut out fish too. I was convincing myself that I was making the right choices out of self-love, and connectedness to our beautiful planet Earth. Little did I know that this belief was just ED using her deception to have some new control over me, because her old ways of communicating were now recognizable by my consciousness. She needed to change her form to have an impact on me, thus she did. She was winning the battle again for a bit, just in a different way, she’s good at that. That is not what matters though in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that although she had some control for a period of time I still have an ability to retreat inwards and identify when she is pretending to be “me”, and then practice ignoring her new form. 

Furthermore, the new form of ED was telling me in subtle ways to eat mainly fruits and veggies because that’s the only way to achieve optimal health. I didn’t realize it on a day by day basis but I have basically been restricting myself again and convincing myself it is what I need to do. So this time around ED feels less related to my desire to hit a certain weight on the scale and more about me having some form of control. Although on a mental health level I have never been more comfortable with myself and spiritually in tune I have still not been living free like I aspire to, like I believe we all deserve to. I have slightly noticed that I’ve been losing weight, but it wasn’t until I got back from the Dominican was getting ready attend a wedding in B.C this week that I weighed myself and realized ‘HOLY SHIT I’M 104 POUNDS AND ¾ OF MY CLOTHES DON’T FIT ME AT ALL RIGHT NOW.’ When I realized I weighed that much I made a mental goal to gain about 8-10 pounds back in a healthy way, but also convinced myself that maybe my body is just finding a healthy medium where I am supposed to be. Right? Maybe I’m meant to be this tiny, look at my genetics. My mom is tiny, my nana is tiny. Yes those are both true, but deep down I know the weight I am at right now is not my healthy balanced point. I know this is because I have been listening to ED when she tries to run my nutrition, limits me, enforces rules to follow and demands consistency. I know this because it is not healthy to lose 14 pounds in a 4 week period. I know this because when your menstrual cycle stops, there is an underlying dysfunction causing this. Me convincing myself I’m meant to be THIS tiny was just denial to be completely honest. I have been in denial that my ED is trying to run my life again and that she has been winning.

 Since going partially and then attempting full on veganism, limiting complex carbs and not enjoying any desserts I like I have actually been physically exhausted. I went on a hike last week during a trip and was out of breath walking up a hill. My legs felt like dead weight and I was trying to drag them with each step. I realize I have just done a 360 from over-exercising and binging, to living pretty sedentary and limiting eating. Same ED, different boundaries. Neither are healthy, although mentally I have felt healthier in this phase they are both forms of internal imprisonment and I am ready to win this current battle with ED. Last night I decided “fuck this shit,” literally. I had a Mars chocolate bar, some dark chocolate bark with milk chips, and I don’t even remember what else I had. At first afterwards I felt extremely guilty, especially since I did over-eat a bit and was pretty full. But then I felt so happy and I still feel happy now. This wasn’t a binge, this wasn’t an out of control experience where I couldn’t stop eating. This was a CHOICE to eat what I was craving, to enjoy the sweet smooth taste of chocolate and defy ED’s newfound control over me. This was a night of freedom. Today I have no desire to eat anything sweet, I’m sweetened out LOL, and that’s cool, I’ll eat what I feel like today, guilt-free. I have a bit of a sugar hangover aka headache hahah probably because I have lived with such restriction in the past 1-2 months, but that is what I need right now. That is what is meant for me and that is okay. I feel like this blog could never end because I get in such a flow with writing right after I have a drastic peak in personal awareness. Ditching the diet mentality really needs to be how we live by because then we will start to fuel our body with exactly what it needs to be full, energized and content. There is so much conflicting evidence out there about veganism, paleo, high-carb, low-fat, etc typ of diets. The problem is they are all based on: eat this,  but  don’t eat that. THAT IS THE MOST TRIGGERING MENTALITY, ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH EATING DISORDER TENDENCIES. I am done with all of those. Moving forward I am making three promises to myself and I am writing them in a positive form: 1. I promise to eat what I feel that I want no matter what the nutrition information says on it. 2. I promise that I will only move my body in ways that I love, out of sheer enjoyment. 3. I will prioritize achieving a healthy weight and maintaining it but I know I will achieve this in divine timing.

I’m writing about my experience with my inner demons, the voices that come that are not mine and that I must practice ignoring. I do this for my own personal growth, my own release that I feel through writing. But I also do it for you, anyone reading this. We all have voices that invade our thoughts and try to tell us how to live our lives. Yours may have nothing to do with eating or exercise. Yours may sound like: “You can’t quit that 9 to 5 you’ll never make enough money to live if you do.” Or “you’re not good enough for her to take you seriously don’t even bother trying to get her attention.” Or maybe “You’re not good at art, why would you try taking a painting class?” My point is, no matter what area of your life you’re thinking about there will a voice in your consciousness that is not yours. Start by giving this intruder a name, it makes it easier to differentiate between it and your true self. Only then will you begin to differentiate between the words of truth and those of deception, this is the first step to gaining back your peace of mind. The more you can step back and recognize the thoughts that go through your mind, the more you can learn to detach from the self-limiting ones and zone in on the ones that are peaceful, progressive and positive in nature. There is no finish line to cross here though, this is an ongoing act that you will engage in your entire life. You may become better at blocking out the self-limiting beliefs immediately because you can recognize them faster,  but you will not always live in a state of consciousness entirely free from these intruders. But that in of itself is beautiful, because you are choosing self-love over self-pity or pain when you practice identifying this differentiation. You are choosing to fight for a peaceful connection in your existence and I think that fight is way more amazing than being handed this type of peace on a platter. Like all things, when you work for it and succeed there is no better feeling. So to anyone and everyone reading this, please don’t let intruder thoughts misdirect you in your life, ever. But when they do and you realize this, take back control because it is yours to take. You are capable, beautiful and most importantly WORTH IT so make sure that the voice inside that confirms these truths drowns out all the voices that are preventing you from expanding infinitely. Like always please don’t be afraid to  reach out to me, about anything. Sending peace and love,

Ash.

Our bleeding is a blessing not a burden

I can already imagine the dirty looks and the racing thoughts as people scroll past this title and think to themselves “what kind of blog entry is this…”. Ironically, the old me might have thought the same thing for a moment and maybe I would’ve even chuckled to myself about it. But oh how I’m thankful that times have changed. I am extremely fortunate because when I was introduced to our cycle from mother nature, by my own mother, it was presented as a positive process that we go through as women that enables us to carry and have our own children. I grappled with this idea but ultimately I didn’t agree to it, especially since the world around me had a much different perspective and attitude towards a women’s period. Most of my friends would complain about feeling moody, craving junk food, having cramps, having chest pain, back discomfort, leg cramps and feeling tired. It wasn’t long into my own experience that I struggled with the same symptoms before and during this monthly time, sometimes I even got sick as I’m sure many other women can relate to. But what was even more negative about this monthly experience was my perception of it, as I grew to hate the onset of my period and consider it a curse that women have to deal with unfairly in this life. I started to internalize other’s comments I would hear, about how disgusting having a period is and this was ultimately how I characterized it for myself. Mother nature’s burden made it hard to perform in my sports, an inconvenience when I’m out with friends, a worry related to my options for clothing to wear, and more. It makes me sad to think I spent so much time dreading this gift of femininity and I hope this entry can help some other women see the other side, see that this monthly bleeding is actually the most beautiful gift of all.

Did you know that in many other cultures, women’s periods are celebrated and viewed as divine? I’m not  claiming to be a scholar in this area of research, I have just taken one course at University and done some online research. But this is what I have learned so far, and I think we would all benefit from reading. For instance, one tradition with Native cultures involved the women who were menstruating to go to a separate lodge during the heaviest days of their period to connect with other women and relax. Most women were on their periods at the same time due to the community closeness and connection with the moon so the lodges were often full of many women at the same time. The women in some of these cultures were also to stay away from men during this time because it is sacred and causes imbalances in power relations. The women were not expected to participate in ceremonies or  group relations during their time because it was a time for inner focus, not outward energy sharing. The Cherokee believe menstrual blood is the most powerful source of feminine strength, and could provide protection from enemy forces. Many of the native cultures believe that the menstrual cycle, also referred to as the moon time, is a period of inner purification, of releasing and shedding the old which correlates to the shedding of the uterus. The Indigenous people viewed their women as equal, as powerful life-givers, LEADERS in their communities and the glue of the families in their tribes. It really wasn’t until colonization that many of these traditions and the respect given to women was muted if not completely consumed by the violence and control imposed upon these peaceful communities. This is just some brief insight into the history and beliefs of culture’s separate from my own experience and I’m sure there is much more to be known, as well as many more places around the world who view the women’s cycle as a beautiful process.

The menstrual cycle is often referred to as “moon time” because ancient beliefs correlate the stages with the phases of the moon in typically 28 day cycles. Since women lived in close harmony, many of them ovulated and bled at the same time each month. Historically many women were most fertile during the full moon which was associated with the increase light from the sky and reflection on the plants. These women also typically bleed during the new moon, and this pattern is called the White moon cycle. Ancient folklore claims that women who have this cycle are focused on motherhood either and their period is a time of inner retreat and rest. While a Red moon cycle, where women bleed during the full moon and ovulate during the new moon is associated with being a healer, wise women or shaman. The focus of their intuitive energy during their period is outward- through sharing and teaching. These women may be more focused on creation, community healing, a new creative business, etc. 

Likewise, there are also ancient beliefs that the moon phase you are born in correlates to the time you were fertile. So if you were born during a new moon, often it is believed you will be most fertile in your life during the new moon phases as well. This isn’t always the case, and don’t be alarmed if you research and start to track your own cycles and they don’t line up with these views. It is possible though that if you focus on creating more balance and tuning into your body consistently that your cycle will begin to line up with the phases of the moon. Obviously a lot has changed with our modern lifestyles, artificial lighting, eating habits and more so the synchronicity with others isn’t as evident as possibly our ancestors. I always did find it fascinating though that my best friends who I was around consistently would always get their period at the same time as me, as I’m sure many of the females reading this can also relate to. As long as your  cycle is consistent and not causing you too many symptoms then there is nothing to worry about, it is perfectly right for you. If you are dealing with severe PMS and very painful periods I really recommend you invest some time into reading and meditating to connect with your deeper self. Also exploring eating and exercise habits that you engage in on a daily basis, and journaling what  changes you make to see how they affect you. I can  honestly say I made some changes in my life that have exponentially helped me during my menstrual cycle, so much so that I really don’t have any physical pain or symptoms for the past three months during my period.

1 .    I have decreased the amount of intense exercise I engage in and balanced it with hot yoga. This also means that right before menstruation when I feel that really tired feeling I limit all the activity I engage in.

2 .       Switching to whole-foods for most of my snacks and daily intake (fruits, veggies, nuts, whole-grains) I cut back on meat A LOT (1-2 x/week I’ll eat chicken or turkey, no ham and no red meat

3.       Maintained a regular sleep cycle: I used to stay up all hours of the night, sleep in some days, rise early on the days I had to and I was really exhausted. I now  sleep amazing usually by 10:30- 11:00 pm and I wake up happy before an alarm between 6:30- 7:30 am. Obviously this isn’t maintainable for everyone but prioritizing sleep is a crucial step towards showing your body love.

I swear by the changes I’ve made, I used to get severe back pain, chest throbbing, cramps and more. Now I only occasionally get a light dull back ache and a slight headache. Anyways I got a bit off topic with the original direction of this blog entry which was to help you open your mind and possibly re-frame how you view your cycle. Instead of dreading the onset of your period, start calling it your sacred time. Start giving yourself extra relaxation and self-care time. For me, limiting my social obligations in the pre-menstrual and menstrual phase is a must because although I am always exhausted from superficial social interactions, I actually can’t handle it at all during my most vulnerable time.

I ordered a  book by Alexandra Pope called “The Women’s Quest” which is an amazing workbook with exercises for you to focus on each month in various phases of your cycle that support your self-reflection. The more you work through the exercises and stay consistent with your journal, the more aware  of your energy you become and it really is the most beautiful feeling. You start to recognize just by turning inward where in your monthly cycle you might be and how it is affecting your thoughts, priorities, presence and focus. These are the observations I have made in my own cycle through this book’s guidance and my dedication to investing time to self-reflect and answer the journal questions. There are 12 sessions, so it’s a year process and  you focus on one guide each month, I’m moving onto guide 5. Again I am not claiming to be an expert whatsoever, this is just my own experience combined with some light research to analyze how I feel at various times in the month and what I relate those feelings to. In my journal I have explored the phases on a much more personal level, in depth. However here I’ll just provide some general insight into basic observations I’ve made so far.

1.       Post-Period/Pre-ovulatory: The word I would describe this time is calm. I found I have more of an interest in focusing on fruitful connections, developing trust and progress forward. I find myself very peaceful without any real traces of anxiety, this can be related to estrogen and progesterone being the lowest during this time. In this phase I am more open to future possibility while also being patient in what I believe is meant for me. My pre-ovulatory mind is: open, loving, thoughtful, tranquil and quiet. I find it funny that I can also connect my phases to different interests in my music, and during this phase I really love dancehall music.

2.       Ovulatory: The word I would use to describe this time is engaged/connected. I feel an increased desire to seek emotional closeness and well as physical closeness. I feel more motivated to get ready, go out and I feel an increase in confidence especially in social situations. I feel an anxiety that is strong for a pursuit of some positive forward momentum to manifest into some physical changes in my life. This can also be related to hormonal changes as estrogen rises, which can contribute to an increase in anxiety. I feel like I always need to be doing something, investing in progress and making efforts to improve my life. This time of the month I usually spend extra time planning long term goals and imagining the future. My skin usually is glowing during this time and I experience way less breakouts except sometimes the hormonal changes can cause a couple noticeable spots. The music I found that I like during this time really rotates between all types, usually upbeat dancehall and hip hop.

3.       Pre-menstrual: I found that I seek out comfort in solitude more. I have no patience for superficial social time. My body and soul is calling for surrender, stillness and slowness in daily living. I find that constantly reminding myself that this is my sacred time and it is indefinitely valuable to me. There is a lot of hormonal changes going on as progesterone has increased by now and you may even begin to feel more hot during this time because your core temperature is increased through this hormone. Likewise this is the time of the month where many women experience moodiness, random anger, etc and severe PMS(pre-menstrual syndrome) is actually associated to a hormonal imbalance, when there isn’t enough progesterone. Sometimes breakouts increase and stay into the next phase however changing my intake of daily foods has tremendously helped me with skin issues. I definitely notice a shift in food cravings, usually for sweet treats and sometimes salty but since changing to a whole-foods lifestyle focus they have also decreased tremendously. I don't drink at all anymore, but choosing to cut back or completely eliminating alcohol intake ESPECIALLY  during this time is also a very positive choice. I tend to like slower music such as happy reggae or soulful r&b.

4.       Menstrual: I can almost always predict now a day/night before the release is going to occur and I can’t really put into words why/how, I just know. Let’s call it a women’s intuition. A huge release of tension and emotional anxiety accompanies this period of time for me. This is likely associated to the balancing of the hormones which are also at low levels during this phase. I consciously choose to give my body the extra rest it needs especially during the transition from pre-menstrual to menstrual. Focusing on eating foods that don’t include meat especially during this time can help your symptoms, as well as avoiding salty foods so you limit bloating. It’s also amazing how much more intuitive I feel  during this transition, my dreams are much more vivid and I can finally remember them again. Likewise I feel like I can pick up on people’s subtle energy changes a lot more easily so it’s important for me to visualize a protective bubble around my own energy. I cut down on my physical activity for a couple days and also drink more fluids. During this time I often like to listen to music such as: Ed Sheeran, meditation flow, etc. 

It really is incredible when you direct your attention internally to learn more about yourself. It might be overwhelming at first to focus on changing your entire view of your cycle especially if you always had a negative orientation towards it. I hope in the future we can, as mothers, consciously choose to discuss and teach our daughters about the beautiful process their bodies go through each month, because there is no better word to describe our moon time. Mother nature blessed us with this beautiful pattern in our lives because we are life-carriers, life-givers and life-sustainers. How beautiful is it that our body creates and maintains a rhythm that is specific to us as unique women. If your cycle is not regular or if you  don’t even experience a period that is okay, that is what you need right now and you can still focus inward to  connect more  to your femininity and explore your connection with yourself. Likewise, this entire self process does not really work if you are on hormonal birth control because these substances block our bodies natural feedback loops and ultimately impact way more than our ovulation. This is also a topic of exploration for another day, but I highly recommend that you take some time to research more and then make an informed decision for your health on whether  hormonal birth  control is necessary in your life. There have been links to strokes, cancer, blood-clots and death- so even if you don’t have an extreme negative outcome  think about the stress you are placing your body under. You may experience side effects that are unwanted at first if  you choose to detox from hormonal birth control, but like everything, in time it will pass. In this modern time we have become so unconnected to our bodies that when we experience anxiety, negative physical manifestations and more we may not understand that we have the amazing ability and power to turn inwards. Mother nature’s bleed is going to be with you for many of the years of your life, it is not a curse, it is not a burden, it is one of our greatest blessings and all you are required to do to embrace this view through changing your frame of mind. Bleed on sisters, it is truly beautiful <3 xoxo

As always please don’t hesitate to message me if you want to talk about this or any other topic.

Ash

The Hidden Truths of Social Media and Fitness

In the past exercise was never a real focus because it was integrated in our daily lives. We walked many miles to get water, lifted heavy items to help build, and so naturally we were fit. With the increasing technologization of our society, and increase in desk jobs, there is a massive surge in physical fitness interest and thus a huge market for profit opportunities, whether it be through promotion of weight-loss products and/or fitness routines. Not to mention, the use of social media platforms has skyrocketed and provided many fitness professionals, and many frauds, with the opportunity to make a living based on their follower count. This is not a good or a bad thing in of itself, but the implications of these crazy advancements are far-reaching and since we aren’t challenging them they will continue to perpetuate and influence our thoughts about what it truly means to be fit. Fitness right now is a trend. The same way that polo is worn to portray a certain image, the attempt to appear to be a “fitness freak” is a current desirable status to attain. So, before we soak in everything we’re exposed to in the media we need to remember this fact. Ultimately this means the information we are relayed will also affect our body-image and self-confidence if we compare the images we see, that often aren’t even real, to our own bodies.

Exercise for me was always a beautiful escape from reality, because it was through sport that I could focus my entire energy on the game and get lost in passion. I also started to enjoy the gym because my mother is such a positive influence, always guiding us to be active and make healthy living choices. But at some point in my past the relationship changed from a joy of movement to a form of punishment for my self-sabotaging eating habits. Even with such a supportive and healthy upbringing centred around physical activity and self-love, my life still revolved around a dysfunctional exercise routine and a shattered connection to my body’s needs. This just goes to show that influences beyond the home are very powerful in shaping our experiences of living and our emotional connection to our bodies as our temples. My family never encouraged comparison, never scrutinized body shape/weight yet I still fell into self-abuse patterns. I also barely used the internet and was not heavily influenced per say by media’s portrayal of what a “perfect female body is” at younger ages. Obviously in some regard we are all affected, however the upcoming generations are in for a drastic increase in a distorted perception of what their body should look like and how they can achieve the aesthetic look they desire. These are some of the most common misconceptions that we may overlook, that I often did and still do if I don’t take the time to critically reflect.

1.       The girl with the abs on Instagram is physically fit and thus knows how to train others.

Just because someone is lean and posts about being in the gym, that doesn’t mean that they actually have an education in anatomy and human movement.  Some of these women do and this is not to discredit their dedication. But some of these women are naturally lean with fast metabolisms. Some of these women promote healthy living but live an unhealthy lifestyle to get paid. Some of these women become so obsessive with their social media platform posting that they go to excessive measures to have that perfect stomach for their next post. ALL of these women do not look like this 24.7, especially not after they eat a large meal; they’re human just like the rest of us. We need to remember to be mindful that there is always more than meets the eye.

2.       She bought that flat tummy tea and waist trainer. She looks good so I should consider this purchase.

SHE IS PAID TO PROMOTE THIS TEA. SHE POSTS IT BECAUSE IT IS HELPING HER MAKE A LIVING, WHETHER IT PHYSICALLY POSITIVELY AFFECTED HER OR NOT. I’ve tried some detox teas before, and some of them do make you feel lighter overall. But many of those are temporary detoxes anyways that affect water weight. This is not a substitute for healthy eating and you will not look like that model after using the tea for a few weeks. That’s not to say you can’t experiment with different options to see what works well with you, but really keep in mind that marketing is the huge motivation behind many supportive posts on social media.

3.       She spends all her time in the gym, she’s so dedicated, I wish I had the motivation to be like that.

Props to all my go getter girls in the gym going hard daily, keep going hard. This again is not to bash down dedicated women who are working towards achieving any type of fitness related goal. This is just a reminder that there is more than meets the eye. Some women in this category are in the gym because they are channeling their lack of self-love into activity. Some of these women are struggling immensely on a spiritual and emotional level while trying to find comfort in a physical manifestation. Some of these women feel a loss of power in many areas of their lives so they resort to physical fitness to try to establish some sort of control. I was one of those “some women” for so long that it is engrained in my way of thinking and I must consciously break down my thoughts when I fall back into that pattern to remind myself that there is a life beyond control and living in peace is all about balance.

4.       She has great glutes and she’s selling her booty-builder program I should buy that.

I follow some of my favourite fitness females in the industry who have achieved amazing results and I admire their transformations and desire to help others. But I also constantly see images pop up on my popular page of photo-shopped, surgery-changed women who pretend that their bodies are self-made and try to promote the idea that if you follow their journey and/or buy their routines that you can look exactly like them. First off, many of these individuals themselves did not achieve the look they wanted so they turned to surgical procedures to trick you. Secondly, even if these amazing women do work hard naturally for their bodies they have to maintain a certain physique because they are using their body promotion as their full-time job, thus everything they do revolves around how they physically look to appeal to an audience. Not to mention the fact that we all have variety of genetics and anatomy so the same workout will cause a huge variation in results for anyone who completes it regularly. Again, this is not meant to be entirely negative this is just an attempt to remind you that there is so much going on behind the scenes that we need to remember when we feel negative about ourselves because of our comparisons to fitness professionals, whether they are real or not.

5.        The workout programs outlined and sold on people’s Instagram pages are less than half the battle, I would say they’re 25-30% of it. The super speedy 6-minute-high intensity workout posted by your favourite Instagram model is not entirely responsible for her results. She likely works out a couple times a day, a lot longer than 6 minutes and she also meal preps/ tracks macros. You’ve heard it a million times before but I’ll say it again, diet is CRUCIAL. Matter of fact I don’t even like the word diet because it insinuates restriction and suffering. The labeling and assumptions that go along with ‘diet’ are for an entire blog entry on another day. But whole food choices and portion awareness are what will define your outcomes, working out is like the side to the main dish. 

 

On that note, there are many positive women out there on social media as well. There are multiple fitness women using social media platforms to deliver healthy workout videos, nutritional information and more. Likewise, there are many amazing body positive accounts of women of all shapes and sizes embracing their body diversity and living in self-love. There are even women not posting transformation pictures that look backwards; going from smaller to larger weights and writing about how they gained their lives back when they stopped basing their worth on the shrinking numbers on the scale. I think the most important thing to remember is that there are multiple ways to define “fit” and “healthy”. Some of the strongest, most dedicated and educated female athletes/gym-girls I know are not aesthetically lean and ripped 24.7. They are not selling any product on their Instagram that they can make a profit from. We all know curvy, thick, slender, wide, tall, short women who are making healthy choices and incorporating healthy activities into their routines to improve their quality of life. We also all see perfect bodies on social media platforms and even when we’re conscious we unconsciously compare our physique to a dysfunctional standard. What is most scary about this phenomenon is that young girls growing up in this generation have access to the same social media platforms that we as adults do, and they are undeniably influenced by this false ideal of what a fit, healthy women’s body looks like. We must reach out to our children to help them develop the critical thinking skills and come to their own healthy conclusions about how media often promotes false advertising. We can teach them how to make healthy choices in their daily lives and how to find activities that they enjoy, to keep moving their bodies. But of equal importance is their education and practise of self-love. Undeniably we can start by living in a constant state of self-compassion, treating our own bodies with the respect they deserve. After all, leading by example is the most powerful expression of truth.

Yoga is a mentality, not just movement

As far back as I can remember I have always lived in a fast-paced manner. After I finished one activity I was quickly on to the next one to keep me occupied and feeling busy. As a matter of fact, before I was even done the original activity I would mentally already be concerned with the next two, or ten things I had to do. So I was never really in the moment at all, I was always, just going through the motions to complete whatever task I had to do, because that’s life, right? Even the sports I fell in love with and played for hours every day, trained for hours every week, were fast-paced and competitive. Soccer and hockey literally consumed me and the high I got on game day was irreplaceable, I used to wish I could pass the feeling on so those who didn’t play could feel it. I used to even feel guilty when I sat down for too much time in the day, or watched T.V. when it wasn’t for night relaxation before bed because it felt counter-productive. Sometimes I still do. It wasn’t until I went to Jamaica for the first time that I realized how fast paced I lived my life. At first it was hard for me to adjust to taking my time, even in the simple things like walking to a destination. I reflected to myself how funny it was that I wasn’t even aware that I’m always rushing, but before the end of the trip I felt an overwhelming calmness from adjusting to a flow-like-way of living. I lost that flow after I returned home but I often thought back to it to appreciate that calmness in my life. It took me a while to open my eyes and see that I could achieve that serenity no matter where in the world I was if I started to take my time. Just because I was moving a million miles a minute does not mean I was being more productive. If I practiced consciously moving slower through daily activities, such as making breakfast and walking on campus that would be a good place to start. I would drift in and out of these states where I was trying to move slower and allow myself to focus on one thing at a time. Then I would just forget about this conscious decision and divert right back to the rushing racehorse version of myself. Rushing in the a.m. to be ready to leave, rushing to fit the gym and yoga in, rushing to drive everywhere I went even though I wasn’t late. All I was doing to myself was creating anxiety in places that there was none, and living in that anxiety every single day.

Then I met yoga. Well we had met previously a few times and at the end of those hot classes I had felt reborn with an indescribable calmness bubble that I felt protected me. Nothing could touch me, divert me or hurt me. But yoga wasn’t a priority in my life because I still had this deep rooted mental disposition that it wasn’t as productive compared to other forms of activity, so I never truly committed to my practice. But on this third time that I met yoga again, at PYC Mississauga, I fell in love. A love so powerful that it will be a life-long affair. Here are some of the reasons hot yoga has guided me through my self-transformation and  continues to do every single day. I know the heat isn’t comfortable for everyone and I know yoga has all these stereotypes surrounding it like it’s too slow, boring, easy and an activity for moms to do. I challenge you to go to a hot yoga studio one day and try a power yoga class, I guarantee you’ll drop your biases by the end. Every athlete and every female + male friend I have encouraged to attend with me left the class saying “that was very challenging for me”, and if you don’t love a challenge it’s time to start learning to love those.

1.       Yoga teaches us that deep breathing is a powerful self healing tool

When we’re on the go we may not realize how shallow  our breathing is, especially since it happens unconsciously. When I learned to tune into my breath and consciously choose to make them deep and strong through my practice I experienced how breathing can transform our personal state of peace, within seconds. Of course, you have to be spiritually open and relaxed to allow this peace to overwhelm you, but I promise you’ll feel it.

2.       Yoga teaches us that slowness is not counter-productive.

The deep-flow classes, or even the power yoga classes where you’re required to hold poses for extended amounts of time are the most challenging for me. The sweat drips immediately, I feel the burn and at the end I feel the most relaxed because in the slowness I find strength. We hold a lot of tension in our hips, especially as athletes, so this style of class focuses on hip openers as well which leaves you feeling flexible and fabulous.

3.       Yoga shows you how powerful and detoxifying it is to sweat.

Of course, in this post I’m mostly referring to the hot classes where you’re dripping by the end. At first the sweating and heat of the room can be so uncomfortable that is may be unbearable until you get used to it. But I can’t think of a feeling that is more beautiful than the cleansing of your bodies toxins through deep twisting in your own sweat. I’ve had some stomach issues for the last little while and yoga has tremendously helped me so far, I can imagine what other health ailments yoga could improve as well.

4.       Yoga teaches us to tune into our bodies.

Some days you’re powerful in your poses, capable of holding all the balances, flexible as a pool noodle and a champion yogi. Other days you fall out of tree pose, downward dog doesn’t feel like a resting pose and you don’t feel like you’ll make it to the end of class. That’s okay! Yoga reminds us that our bodies are our guides and the messages they are sending us are for us to follow. Our body knows what our body needs, and yoga isn’t about fighting against what you need in your practice. Doing what you need to on that specific day to flow through your practice and showing yourself self-love the entire time is all you need to bring to your mat.

5.       Yoga reminds you that the discomfort eases if you soldier through it.

Some poses are so uncomfortable to hold that you feel like your body just can’t do it for another breath. But then you do it, and you realize your mind was just limiting you. You realize that more times than not, the longer you hold the pose, the more you can relax into it. That is the most beautiful realization.

6.       Yoga teaches us to find strength in surrender.

We spend so much our lives trying to remain in control, thinking that we will bring us the peace in our lives that we desire. We’re just blind to the fact that trying to force leaves us feeling depleted of energy. Yoga reminds us to surrender to our mats, to let the Earth hold us up through our flow. Letting go of that need to control every little outcome in our lives is truly how you manifest serenity.

7.       Yoga brings you into the present moment.

Similarly, to the post-game high I got from sports, yoga provides a similar floating feeling that I would connect to the in-moment concentration. When you are tuning in to your breath and bringing consciousness to your poses there isn’t time to worry about the fight you had with your significant other, or your list of chores to do tomorrow. Yoga provides you with the opportunity to feel the joy of living in the moment, and take that with you when you leave your mat.

8.       Yoga teaches you that your only competition is you.

Sure, sometimes you look around the class at an advanced yogi and think “wow I wish I could do that.” But yoga is a constant reminder that you are your only real competition. As you start to commit to your practice you feel yourself improving in different ways. For me it’s my increased range of motion and ability to maintain increased depth for longer periods of time in my poses, compared to when I began. It's equally the change I feel in my ability to pause and breath through stressful situations in my daily life and then questioning how I can overcome the challenge. It feels great to embrace those changes in your body and mind.

The most beautiful point of all is that there is so much more than yoga teaches you beyond this point. There is something new I learn every time I hit my mat and every time I tune into my breath. I think what I love the most is that yoga isn't an activity of movement I participate in for an hour, it's a self-empowering mentality I'll strive to live through in every moment of every day. I hope one day you can try and experience this freedom for yourself.

Exercise isn’t a tool to be used to control the space you take up in this world; exercise is a celebration of what your body is capable of

Guess who hasn’t gone to the gym in more than a week? Guess who has only done one slow- paced short workout in the past 15 days? Guess who doesn’t feel guilty at all? Rewind even just a month ago and it wouldn’t have been me raising my hand. In a growing era of sedentary living with multiple health diseases on the rise, physical activity is encouraged as a preventative measure as well as a treatment option for a wide range of diseases.  WHO states that 80% of people overall are too sedentary. Living a sedentary lifestyle has been correlated to many health problems, and is even considered to have twice the risk of early mortality than obesity. All of the research proves that we need to choose to move our bodies to improve our health and quality of life.  I absolutely agree, we need to get off the couch and move. But what happens when our idea of fit becomes distorted and it actually turns into an unhealthy obsession?

 As part of this generation’s obsession with being “fit” we are witnessing a social media epidemic of photos/videos promoting the “perfect” slender female body as fitspo aka fit inspiration (a rant for another day). It’s no wonder that so many of us try to get involved in the gym lifestyle, get overwhelmed or upset when we don’t see changes miraculously fast. Then give up while simultaneously feeling worthless for convincing ourselves that it’s our lack of willpower that caused us to fail. Just as our connection to fitness can positively enhance our lives it can negatively impact us as well; as we become jaded and cause a whole other set of physical and mental health issues. This paragraph feels like my autobiography of the last decade.

The gym used to be my saving grace, or so I thought. I would be so excited to get there after school/work and get a great pump in, especially leg workouts which I did 2-3 x a week. Most times I just had a mental framework of what my week would look like and I would go with the flow based on how sore I was. Some other times I would plan ahead and write down a strict schedule that I would get mad at myself for not following through with. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the feeling of completing an intense workout and focusing on improving my speed and mind-to-muscle connection. I also still know that the gym can provide so much more than just physical health benefits, such as improvements in anxiety and depression.  But somewhere along the line, the gym and working out started to become a cause of my anxiety, and it actually started to control my life. I was physically strong, leg pressing 630 pounds. But emotionally and spiritually drained, with no connection to myself.

It started off with prioritizing the gym over other aspects of my life. Basically it came before any and everything else in my life.I needed to work out or else I felt extreme guilt. Two days off in a row was just unacceptable. Then it progressed to cancelling events, avoiding the social sphere in order to work out more than once or for a few hours at a time. I know I lodged wedges in some of my friendships because of my last minute cancellations, but I had way too much pride to even admit to myself that I have a real problem. Consecutively I was in a vicious hate cycle with food, where I would stress binge-eat one day, and starve the next 1-2 days. If I had to miss a gym session, I would stress binge eat. If I started to think about all my due-dates, I would stress binge eat. If I noticed I had gained any weight on the scale or because my pants fit differently, I would stress binge eat (completely irrational but it’s reality). Then I would restrict my food plan to only lean meats and vegetables. I would “fail” to stick to this plan, and would hate myself for having one bowl of pasta, or one cookie. This would then trigger another episode of emotional eating because I could eat everything I like right now then start fresh tomorrow since I “failed.” Ironically it was just an ongoing cycle of self-sabotage because immediately after I would plan what workouts I had to do to prevent weight gain. This meant going to the gym sometimes 10 at night to just do cardio for 1-2 hours after I had already worked out.  This meant using laxatives which eventually lead to purging. This meant working out even when I had the chills and a fever. This even meant paying for a pass at a 24 hour gym because I NEEDED to. I recall one weekend I ate way too much on a Friday night so I decided I would not eat for the entire weekend during my hockey tournament. I double-shifted for 5 games and didn’t eat anything until Sunday night. The worst part is I felt so proud of myself for accomplishing that goal.

Where did I cross the line of engaging in fitness for fun and challenge to improve, to using fitness as a tool of self-destruction and to fuel my disorder? I don’t know the answer. But I do know that when I decided to be brutally honest with myself I was able to accept that only I can break this cycle and it won’t be a straight sprint to that finish line. My choice to focus on change started when I was told I was negatively affecting my adrenal function and I needed to slow down. I didn’t change my habits immediately, but that lead me to online research and self-reflection.  I can tell you that it took a few months after that, but I am choosing to drop my ego and to show my body the love it deserves, after all I live in her every day.  I am still not even close to recovered, I still have to focus on changing my assumptions and ways of thinking, but it is now my priority and I’m not scared to talk about it anymore.

It feels like I’m rambling so much about myself and my experiences, but this blog is not only to reach any and everyone who comes across it, I’m also writing to help me heal. Healing is a journey and when I write it feels like I’m releasing a lot of built up tension, and even learning more about myself.  I’m writing to help me but I also am writing in complete honesty because I want to change our perception of what it means to be fit and how we go about incorporating activity into our lives. I tried hot yoga about 3 years ago with my sister, and it was ridiculously hard because I lacked flexibility and had severe “hockey hips” as we call it (LOL). But I felt literally re-born at the end of a class and so I started to go more often. I went through periods where I would go almost every day, then I wouldn’t go again because I would mentally believe that I didn’t burn enough calories so I needed to prioritize my intense workouts. Just this past year I joined a separate studio and I really can’t get enough of it. I’ve gone every day for the past couple weeks and I practice at home as well. But I’m not practicing to burn calories, I’m not practicing to control my weight, I’m not practicing because my disorder told me I need to. I'm practicing because for the first time in years I finally feel free, for the first time since I can remember I feel connected to my body’s needs. 

I will still go to the gym when I wake up feeling like that’s what my body needs, but that is not how I feel today.  I will not think about how many calories I will burn. I will not stay for hours and I will not feel guilty for those choices. The key message I want to get across is that we have to find ways to move our body that we enjoy so it isn't a punishment, or a chore. I know way too many people who hate the gym but force themselves to go a few times a week to a trainer because that’s what everyone is doing. I understand if you are having health issues and you need the enthusiasm of a trainer to reach your goals, then sign up! But if you’re dragging yourself around in the gym, hating every second of your workout and just going through the motions to say to yourself that you did something today, WHAT IS THE POINT?! If you love swimming why are you running on the treadmill for hours when you have knee pain? If you hate the busyness of the gym setting, why are you forcing yourself to go at 5 pm every day? There are so many options to move your body in ways you love, such as: dancing at home, 4 minute Tabatha body-weight workouts, hiking, biking, rollerblading, sport leagues, tai chi, yoga, DVD videos, group boot-camps, pole-dancing. Life is too short to make routines and habits based off activities that drain your soul. I used to find it annoying that my siblings never wanted to come to the gym, now I realize I admire them for  staying true to themselves. 

We need to stop force feeding this idea that if you don’t go to conventional gyms you’re a reject and you better change that choice or else you don’t fit this society’s definition of “fit and healthy”. Studying physical education and teaching at university is exciting right now because phys-ed in schools is changing from a sport model to a healthy-for-life model where we encourage our youth to find ways they love to be active for life. Like every change it takes a long time to implement across the whole system, but we have taken the first step to make the necessary changes. As adults it might take us a long time to drop judgement and reflect on our own views and biases about what it means to be healthy and how we consciously choose to be active on a day to day basis. But we can do it as long as we keep the conversation going and keep talking about the stereotypes perpetuated on social media about what it means and what it looks like to be fit (I’m going to write an entry about this also soon.) This article really would never have an end, I could keep writing. I’ll finish here by saying listening, loving and healing your body takes time, because we have spent a lot of time throwing our bodies off balance with dysfunctional thoughts, processed foods, lack of activity and poor sleep patterns. So as we move forward, be patient with your body; nothing long-lasting happens overnight. Food isn’t your enemy to hate; food is your friend to fuel. Of equal importance, exercise isn’t a tool to be used to control the space you take up in this world; exercise is a celebration of what your body is capable of.

Is that voice really me?

It took me a while to come back to my writing, I avoided it at all costs and made excuses as to why I didn’t have the time or why I didn’t feel like it. The truth is, I have all the time in the world and a lot of words to say, I just stopped believing I had the right to say them. I felt like since I sometimes am not able to practice what I preach about emitting positive energy into the world and putting my self-love first that I am not worthy of writing on those topics. Then a couple days ago the truth hit me fast and I realized that self-doubt is EXACTLY why I need to write on these topics, because it is something we all face in some way at some point in our lives and it is what’s holding us back from growth and manifesting everything we need to in this life.

We spend our whole childhood learning how to fit in to society; learning right from wrong, learning to share, learning that lying has consequences and learning to communicate our wants/needs. We are taught the concept of ‘I’, not only to attract what we want but to personally identify with “ourselves” to engage in and better understand our self-dialogue as we grow up. The problem is that our internal dialogue and the conversations we have with ourselves in our mind are not always from our true selves. Sometimes the voice in our head and the messages we accept as our truth are parasites that tell us we are not capable, that we are unworthy and we must choose another route. Perhaps if we focused self-learning from an early age on challenging these parasites and identifying when they are invading our internal dialogue we could help our children to become more in tune with themselves as they grow into adulthood. That way they can make decisions that are more in sync with their spiritual calling and less out of fear.

Education is crucial to learning, growing and learning who we are at our core. I’m not talking about traditional schooling, I’m talking about a lifelong quest to know more; searching, listening, reading, conversing to help us connect more with ourselves. The deepest problems arise when we are not even conscious of the parasites in our internal dialogue and we accept them as our own internal voice; we label them “I”. The parasites remind us that we must lower our standards, that we won’t achieve that goal. Or that we can’t follow that passion because we might not have financial stability, that we are not worthy of buying that dress because we have not lost enough weight, that we are not yet complete enough to contribute to a healthy relationship. Having the ability to step back and reflect on our internal dialogue and decipher which voices are actually ours and which are the parasites takes concentrated time, effort and practice but when do we ever even learn how to do this? We don’t, so for many of us we drift through each day accepting the parasites as part of our identity and thus letting them control our outcomes. Unless we increase our awareness and consequently can identify our true voice vs. our self-limiting beliefs the cycle continues because it is left unchallenged. It is an awakening experience to recognize that the parasites are keeping us in a perceived comfort zone that is ridiculously uncomfortable when we have a deeper knowing that we are here to achieve more, to be more.

I truly believe that these parasites are to blame when we experience that feeling that something is missing in our lives but we just can’t figure out what it is. If you know this earning, you also know that it’s powerful enough to consume you especially when your internal dialogue has a lot of time to run wild.  Maybe that’s why we distract ourselves with physical mundane activities so we can focus on something physical, so we don’t have to settle into the uncomfortable wandering of our mind’s negotiations. I know that I have done this for years, in multiple ways, some healthy, some unhealthy. Even sometimes now I’ll fall back into a cycle where I am not truly in tune with myself and I’m just going through the motions to get through each day. I think that’s why I made excuses as to why I had nothing new to write about, because my own parasites told me that since I drift in and out of connection with myself that I’m not qualified to be writing about mental health, self-love, and embracing spirituality. I finally decided today to fight back and admit to myself that I know these parasites are only keeping me in my comfort zone which ironically is making me uncomfortable because I know it’s time to leave that zone, I know it’s time to grow. I also know that healing isn’t linear, it’s a roller-coaster and that is not anything to be ashamed of.

When we’re young people ask us what we want to be when we grow up, and we have the greatest aspirations because nothing is out of reach or off limits for us. Most often we receive support for whatever response we give as well. “I want to be an astronaut, a firefighter, a painter, a surgeon, a pilot, a teacher, an author, an athlete.” Then as we grow and are asked the same question, the support slowly decreases and we are told to be more realistic or to pick a route that will provide us with more opportunity for monetary success. At what point in our existence did we stop listening and appreciating our inner child and our deepest earning for self-fulfillment? Why do we contradict ourselves and give our children false hope if we’re one day going to turn our backs on them and tell them that their sights are set too high and that they should lower their standards? We spend many years when our children are the youngest letting them live in their brave, dream bubbles and then at some point they cross a threshold where we continuously challenge what we've encouraged them to strive for.

No matter who we are, what we have achieved, where we are on our journey, we all experience self-doubt and fear. It isn’t about trying to change yourself so you don’t experience this at all. It’s about practising being aware of the parasites in your internal dialogue so that you can feel and embrace the fear rising in you, then let it go. By becoming aware of how our fear is holding us back we can consciously choose to not let it control us anymore. Then we can set out to grow in any area of our life with confidence because we know the parasite telling us we are inadequate is not a voice of our own. We are always worthy of love because we are love, even when we take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, what matters is that we take our new-found knowledge to help us take another 3 steps forward. Imagine a world where we helped our children to be in tune with themselves and their internal dialogue. Imagine we helped them identify self-limiting beliefs so that they don’t let them control their lives. Imagine a world where we don’t tell our children to dream big and then shut them down for those same dreams. It is possible, and it will take time, but it has already started because we are awakening.