New Insights and Healing

I’ve had some very powerful insights lately on my journey to food freedom and I’m re-inspired to continue to share my truth. I’ve been really in my mind lately, and also in the moment-to-moment of my daily life. But I feel like I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Controlling food has been a coping mechanism for me that started as something that SERVED me. As odd as that is, my need to control and manage my food has been a way of creating an illusion of safety in my life. I no longer need this coping mechanism but I can now understand that my body was doing the best it could with what it had. My E.D began when I was 15, quit the sport I loved so much, was in a very toxic “relationship” and also felt like my voice didn’t matter, it wasn’t heard. I graduated high school and was planning my university career- which was the most overwhelming choice EVER, when I had no idea what was next. My life felt very unpredictable, I felt out of alignment although I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. I couldn’t figure out who I was beyond my sports because my entire identity had been created around being an athlete. I still relate to this label now but from a fresh and grateful lens as I’ve transitioned into other sections of my life. Most importantly I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to love someone who was a sociopath/narcissist, and instead of leaving that shit in the dust I kept clinging to a connection that only sucked the life out of me. My  control of food because a ritual, it provided me comfort, control, and made me feel like I had power- when I was restricting. Then when I was binging it all came crashing down, and thus the cycle began. If I could only restrict better and try harder, everything would be okay. My body would be perfect, my fake relationship would start to be reciprocal, I would figure out my career path and everything would make sense. That would never be the case, but my eating disorder has taught me to dive deep into the hard work of introspection, and to sit with the feelings that are uncomfortable until they pass, which they always do. Although I have come so far, I still have had many “food rules” to follow out of the idea that they’ll “lower inflammation & make me healthier” but I think they are road blocks to my full healing. I’ve given myself FULL PERMISSION FOR FOOD FREEDOM, which means I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I’ve never felt this good.

The next realization I’ve had is that I didn’t have binge-eating-disorder or no control around “off-limits” food. The shame I felt literally felt like I was drowning in it sometimes, especially after eating so much I could throw up. But there is often never a binge without restriction first (in some way or form, i.e: emotional, or physical). I was severely limiting my calories so much as I continued to train at high intensities, and I had so many rules to follow that my body went crazy when given the opportunity to eat. THIS IS EVOLUTION AND THIS IS THE BIOLOGY OF MY BODY TRYING TO KEEP ME ALIVE. My body, and your body, cannot tell the difference between a diet and a famine. That’s right, our bodies don’t know that we just want to lose 10 pounds to have a flatter stomach. Our body thinks there is not food available, so to ensure it’s survival it slows down our metabolism and affects all of our body systems, for example our reproductive system can temporarily shut down. Why would our bodies want to create a safe space for a baby when it doesn’t feel like it has enough food access to be safe as a single human-being? I am going to be writing more about the dangers of dieting soon, stay tuned. The more I learn about the science behind my experience the easier it is for me to extend compassion inwards and forgive myself for all the times I’ve felt shameful, less than enough, and unworthy of life.

I’ve also learned about the connection between my internal feelings and also physical changes in the biology of my body that have perpetuated the cycle of my disorder and I’m fascinated by it. My hormones and my blood sugar regulation has been very affected by my patterns of restricting and binging, I’m still working through the recovery of this balance now (stay tuned for a long post on this topic). Sometimes this overwhelms me because I feel some guilt for what I have put my beautiful body through. But I am also seeing that this is just a beautiful part of my healing journey and my body sends me messages that I need to listen to, to take steps forward. I often haven’t been eating enough, in terms of amounts of varieties of food lately to sustain my body and help me participate in  hot yoga, hockey and weight lifting. Likewise, my hamstring injury took months to even slightly feel better, it’s about 90% now even though I slightly tore it in October. My almost broken or possibly broken toe took 4-5 months as well. I believe these have been physical messages from my body telling me to tune in, to slow down and to R E S T. Which means more than one day of rest, and it’s given me the opportunity to challenge my brain when my body wants 3 days off in a row,  I’m listening now. My body has not been repairing itself because it needs more nourishment and it is telling me to honour stillness, rest, and rejuvenation. I am excited to continue to play with finding this balance in my life. 

The last insight I’ll talk about today is that I have had a very hard time setting boundaries in my life and using my voice to let others know what is okay and what is not okay with me. I believe this started as a child and has just blossomed ever since, to the point where I have believed for much of life that this is just how I am. That is not the case, as human beings we all need to tap into our power and stay true to ourselves especially when we are being manipulated, unappreciated or taken advantage of. I’ve come to see that many previous friendships and relationships were never on an equal level in terms of respect, communication, sacrifice and honesty. I’m learning how to practice standing up for myself, disagreeing politely and saying exactly how I feel even if it makes others uncomfortable. The premise of setting firm boundaries really makes me anxious when I over-think about it but it is the absolute foundation required for healthy relationships for the rest of my life!!

This learning has been a product of my own personal reflection, starting psychotherapy and playing with the discomfort I feel when I have to go against my disordered ways of being. I feel grateful to be alive and actually would not  change a single thing that I have been through because I believe my experience has set me up to help others with their struggle and their healing. I believe I will appreciate the fullness of life now from a new perspective because of what I have experienced and I am so excited to make my mark in the world.

Xoxox

Ashley

Big Toe, Big Message

As I’m sitting down to write this right now I’m actually on the verge of balling my eyes out… like that uncontrollable, messy, releasing everything on my chest type of tears. But I’m at work, and I can’t do that, so hopefully later I can have that type of release in my own space hahah. But no seriously, I had to start writing this entry immediately because I could feel the words rumbling in my belly, and sitting in my heart, with a fierce need to be expressed. Writing is how I express my truth and this is my truth.

I’ve just recently been feeling good about my hamstring healing which has taken over 3 months to improve. I was not able to do my leg weights, touch my toes to put my socks on or flow through every yoga pose in my practice. For a couple weeks at the beginning of my injury I ignored the pain and kept playing hockey 3-4 times a week, until I literally couldn’t move it was so painful. Arguably the injury was actually caused from a tool in therapy after my hamstring was tight, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I know I prolonged my healing and also made it much more painful by trying to push through, and keep going no matter what. That athlete mentality has stuck with me my entire life. My  stubborn way of being is not helping the matter either. So just last week I started dead-lifting lightly again, I also tried to play shinny hockey once and experienced some tightness, but that was it so I was incredibly excited.

The morning after when I was rushing to work as I got called in late, I slipped on ice and fell down the stairs outside my home. Ironically I had stepped out of the front door in my little booties, and thought to myself “oh wow it’s snowing, it could be icy, I’ll be super careful here” while holding my celery juice in my hand and my glass coffee mug in the other. I tripped while I was thinking those thoughts, somehow landed at the bottom of the steps with my foot bent back underneath me, still holding my mug, with some spilled coffee in my hair. I just sat there for a second and thought to myself “UNIVERSE W T F”. Then I got up, picked up my stuff and got in the car to go to work. I knew my foot was a little bit tender, but I actually was able to walk normally throughout the day. That night I went to hot yoga, and pushed myself to do all the regular poses even with a bit of discomfort on the left foot. I woke up the next morning and the internal part of my foot was bruised and throbbing a bit, so I had to limp around. I was fine limping around for a couple of days, still going to yoga and slightly modifying a couple poses so I wasn’t putting pressure on my left foot. I even did a leg weights workout because squats and dead-lifts didn’t cause any pain, I just had to avoid lunges or toe flexion exercises. Then last night at hot yoga in the middle of the balancing series my big toe made a popping noise and started to throb a bit more, but I continued on, as it wasn’t the worst pain I've ever felt.  I got home and realized though that my practice definitely made it worse than the original fall, but it wasn’t the whole internal foot anymore just the big toe. I iced it, worried about it, complained about it, and repeated that cycle for the next few hours before bed. I looked up what it’s called, often referred to as “turf toe” because athletes get it from artificial grass. I put lavender oil on it and taped it just as sports therapists do online, after watching a video and reading the instructions. I fell asleep with it elevated and woke up with less pain, and was off to work (that’s this morning).

I’ve been googling recovery times and treatment protocols, there’s a wide range of possibilities depending on the grade of injury, and I might need to get a foot boot to stabilize it. I’m actually debating doing that because I’m supposed to travel in 4 days and I would really like to be able to move with less pain than I feel right now with my half-ass tape job. As many of you know, I really believe the universe is always sending you messages and if you don’t listen energy will slap you in the face one way or another.  I know I haven’t been listening, I’m trying to listen now. Louise Hay, a well-known spiritual writer and entrepreneur, says that toe injuries are physical manifestations of a needless emotional worry about future details. That resonates with me so much because I probably spend a few hours a day imagining what my future will look like, worrying that I won’t be enjoying what I’m doing and then retreating inward instead of being out there in the beautiful world enjoying right now. I have had an awareness that I do this but I haven’t spent much time trying to show up different, I’ve been stuck in the same pattern, because it's what I know, it's safe.

Anyways, relating this experience back to my intense urge to ball my eyes out right now is because of the fact that I am intensely afraid of resting. I’ve written a lot about my eating disorder and how I used to over-exercise every day to compensate for eating however back then when it was at my worst I was doing hours a day of fitness I didn’t even want to do, after binge eating on thousands of calories, using laxatives and then starving for a day. This was the epitome of my suffering and it went on for years. Although I still struggle with some odd thoughts and worries around food, and even restriction or fear sometimes, I am in a MUCH better place than I was 2-3 years ago. However, as much as I enjoy the physical activity I chose to do on a daily basis now I am still so afraid of being still. Don’t get me wrong, I actually regularly watch my Netflix series, take a day off a week, sit down, etc... way more than I used to. But I don’t like to take more than one day off in a row.  I enjoy going on long walks even in the winter (except when its -30 like the last two days) and going to yoga most days, hockey some days and the gym 1-2 x a week. I don’t force myself to go hard when I don’t want to anymore, but I still have trouble coping with the crippling fear that washes over me when I feel an injury because I do not want to rest. This is an overwhelming feeling that I am choosing to confront right now, sit with and absorb. I’m reminding myself the universe has my back and that I will heal if I give my body what it needs, if I listen, FOR ONCE. I should also listen to my best friend because she tells me the same thing, thanks Melissa.

Anyway, this writer Tabitha Farrar is an eating disorder specialist who recovered from anorexia and strongly believes in the migration theory. “ For those of us with the predisposition for this migration response when we go into energy deficit, we develop an aversion to resting and eating — because both stopping to eat too much and resting are threats to a mammal’s ability to migrate successfully.  Migrating animals don’t stop to eat often, they eat only what they need to in order to keep going. Migrating animals have a strong urge to move. Based on my own experience of anorexia (complusive exercise, and fear of eating more than the minimal amount need to survive) I have developed a biological approach to recovery using theories of mammal migration (Adapt to Flee Famine theory).” I have been reading her blogs a lot lately and everything she speaks about experiencing in regards to intense urges to move resonate so much with me. I actually wrote a  blog related to her theories right before I injured my toe but it didn’t feel authentic enough so I didn’t post it. Then this feeling came over me this morning and I knew it was time to write. This is another example of how illogical thoughts are so easily accepted and acted upon because they are how I have always been and they make me feel safe. Other people and athletes who get injured know they need to recover so they can perform again, so they rest and although they may feel antsy to move or impatient it’s not a feeling of a 10 thousand pound weight of anxiety on their chest when they think about what resting will feel like. These illogical thoughts also relate to obsessive compulsive tendencies that people with eating disorders may embody, such as hoarding food or safe foods, having odd food rules about eating timing, rituals surrounding food choices, hoarding other items (random items like grocery bags, soap, etc), which Tabitha writes a lot about. She also writes blogs about how low level movement urges such as walking, obsessively cleaning, and more are all related to this biological process from our evolution to keep moving, and keep migrating to survive. Not all of those tendencies relate to my personal experience, but some do and I find the connections very fascinating to reflect on. Likewise restrictive ways of thinking relate to scarcity mindset and that affects more than just limiting food intake. It changes entire personalities and relates to limiting pleasure in all forms, limiting spending, social interaction, new experiences, etc. This couldn’t be more than true and I will write about my experiences changes in a future blog.

 I find that saying my irrational thoughts out-loud as if I was telling them to a friend helps me recognize how harmful they are when I accept them as truth and act upon them. An example of some thoughts I verbalize to help me challenge them are:

“I already ate carbs earlier I can’t eat any more now.”

“I just ate an hour and a half ago I need to ignore my hunger cues for a couple more hours.”

“I didn’t exercise today so I can’t eat as much during this meal.”

“If I rest I won’t burn enough calories so I need to push through this injury.”

“When I feel full I feel fat so I don’t want to feel that sensation.”

These are just some examples that resonate with me now or have in my past as I’ve been working towards recovery. I enjoy providing some insight into my mind’s dialogue, whether  you’re someone reading who’s struggled with eating or someone who cannot relate at all. Eating disorders have strong routes in genetics, and then it is ultimately environmental factors that determine whether someone will develop one. They may not make sense to many but they are not a choice. Although choosing to recover and commit to that process, is indeed a choice. Obviously the irrational thought that is smacking me in the fact right now is regarding rest and confronting my intense need to keep moving on a daily basis. I don’t think there is anything wrong with loving to move but I think there is something wrong with my inability to remain calm and rest when I am hurt. I am probably going to go to a doctor today to determine if I should wear a boot to immobilize my toe or another shoe insole to assist healing. I travel in 4 days and its unlikely my toe will be fully healed by then but I am willing to do no physical activity until I leave, and longer, simply because I am tired of limiting my own healing by living out my irrational thoughts. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’ve been  doing the same thing for years and this is my chance to consciously choose to respond differently.

Xox

Ash

New Years: The Date is Arbitrary

It’s funny, the hype around the new year. The planning, preparing, anticipating that comes right before this transition can obviously be attributed to the opportunity for a fresh start, a blank slate for us to create our lives in a way that resonates with us. But when you get down to the nitty gritty, December 31^st at midnight is just another time, on another day, not different from every other day. I’m not writing this from a place of disregard for the excitement the new year brings, I’m writing from a place of reflection because I know that I too have been mindlessly motivated by the date changing, only to remain stagnant after some time passes.

The preoccupation with goal setting and new years resolutions is one of the most perfect examples of how we as human beings are so focused on the future that we entirely miss out on the present, we don’t even see the potential of RIGHT NOW. It’s almost as if from the day after boxing day until the new year, those days become a write-off, they don’t even exist because we’re just waiting for the completion of this year to take place, so we can be who we want to be at the start of 2019. If that is the mentality we continue to subscribe to, our hopes and plans for each coming year will never survive past a month or two at maximum, because they are not planted from a place of passion. Rather they are hoped for from a place of anticipated pleasure, and a fear of living a life unchanged. Because let’s be honest, the changes we imagine in our mind are based on our desire to feel specific feelings, not about any physical changes or material gains. Whether we hope to buy a new fancy car, or lose 20 pounds, we are fantasizing about how we will feel once this possibly becomes our reality, and that is our underlying motivational factor. If we are not conscious of the fact that how we are living right now is based on our choices, our presence and our commitment to growth, or lack thereof, we will live off of a short high of anticipation into the new year, which will slowly die back down into our old habits and ways of being, because comfort zone are easier to sustain. This is the ultimate truth behind all the new years resolution weight loss jokes or the statistics that show most of us give up by part-way through February, because their hopes and dreams created in their mind were not grounded in an analysis of self, and how we currently show up in our lives as free agents.

Instead of waiting for an arbitrary date, what we can we do today, and every single day when we wake up that aligns with how we want to feel in this world. How can we commit to showing up for the people we love? What can we promise yourself ourselves we will prioritize in relation to our self-love? What habits can we start developing in our lives on any given day that will bring us closer to the life we are seeking? It doesn’t matter if it’s July 10^th, October 20^th, or December 31^st, we have the agency to decide that how we are currently showing up in our lives is not in alignment with our deepest being, and CHOOSE to show up differently. This opportunity can be scary though- it requires work. The frightening, deep, conscious work that demands us to look at our lives through an honest lens to reflect on where we are in our own way. This might manifest in our lives as clinging to expired relationships that are no longer healthy for us, or maybe it manifests in other forms of self-sabotage such as addiction or cheating. Every experience of our entire lives has layered upon the previous ones to create who we seem to be today and how we view the world, our circumstances and our opportunities. If we mess up one day, or two days, or 20 days, we can always choose to begin again tomorrow, because the date does not matter, only our whole-hearted intention does. This may sound like a fantasy blog, like “oh yeah that sounds nice but how can I actually show up like that?”. Well, we choose to, again and again, failure after failure, until it becomes how we show up automatically. We carve out the time to self-reflect, to journal, to focus on manifesting what we want to create in our lives and we also focus on being honest about some of the reasons why what we think we are seeking is not showing up for us. The law of attraction is not only about imagining what we want, because almost immediately after we imagine these things we remember that we do not currently have them. So although we may believe your energy is directed towards attracting what we desire, the energy we are putting out there comes from a place of lack-of, fear and that is the opposite of what you are seeking. Commitment to leveling up takes patience, time and often painful awakenings but once we see this life for what it is we simply cannot accept complacency anymore.

So I invite you as we enter a new year to get really clear and specific about what you want to create, but from a place of self-reflection and honesty. I invite you to keep choosing every morning when you wake up to show up how you want to show up, even after the first few months of 2019 have passed. Like the title says, the date as arbitrary. Your blank slate begins any moment you decide it does, how will you create your life?

Being Here Now

Somewhere along the way of my daily living, right now, I am in a new space of thinking. I wish I knew how I got here, so I could teleport back here again when my thinking shifts back to a place of anxiety, fear and worry- which will come. I know this will come because life is an eb and flow, moving into new ways of being and then shrinking back into old ways sometimes too. The only thing that really matters is that we practice recognizing when the way we are thinking is limiting our present moment happiness, and choose to do the work to re-frame our internal voice. Right now I am only thinking about what is going to make me happy today, I am not thinking about what could go wrong 5 years from now. I mean sure sometimes those thoughts pop into my mind and I catch myself almost instantly and chuckle a little because who has time to worry about then when all we really have is right now? Literally, we only have now. Later will be what we have later, so we  can deal with it then, however it may turn out.

I am no longer fearing that teaching is not a career for me because maybe I’ll get sick of It in 20 years. I am reminding myself that I enjoyed my yoga camp, that I have so much to teach in the education system and it begins with love of self that our youth are missing. They  aren’t taught this. I will teach it, no matter what age group I end up teaching. I am no longer concerned about my romantic relationships, my future or how it will end up. I am simply living today and doing what makes me happy, I am hopeful that tomorrow will come and if I continue to seek what lights up my heart, then tomorrow will turn out how it is meant to be.

I wrote the above paragraphs a couple months ago when I felt very aligned, connected and present. Not every day is this cheerful though. Some days I feel like I’m drowning in the thoughts of my mind, the what ifs, the questions. It feels like a blessing and a curse all at once to have an over-active mind that questions every possibility, about my life and the walls I’ve built around myself to stay safe in my comfort zone. It is very powerful to have insight into the ways which I try to protect myself- from  a fear rejection, not belonging, ridicule, etc. But at times it can also feel isolating because this insight doesn’t automatically provide us with the tools to change the dynamics of our existence. Thus we may feel perpetually stuck at a road-block, with a heightened awareness yet no idea how to trek onward or progress. I saw a quote the other day that went like this:

 

“I tend toward dramatic thinking. When I have a problem, or when I  feel icky, I tend to think the solution is: I have to move and I need a new family, and a new religion and a new house. I need to s tart all over, everything Is terrible. But what I usually need is, like, a glass of water.” – Glennon Doyle

This quote hits home for me because when I feel complacency creeping in my first reaction is to try to change something about my direction in life. Usually it’s career related or living in Canada related. I start to obsess about finding my calling which I convince myself is not teaching in the education system and have a mental dialogue with myself about how I am so off track right now. If I’m able to really get present though and sit with myself the awareness arises that when I am in that state of mind I am not being all I can be in my present life, in my current job and on a daily basis. What needs fixing is nothing external to me. Actually nothing needs fixing at all, I am perfect as I am, I am just not present or engaged in my life as it is, right now. I am romanticizing in my mind some other version of my life, that must be better, must be more fulfilling. It would solve all my overthinking battles, right?  So what do I do next? If I am not sitting with myself and acknowledging this truth, I am then obsessing over researching other career options for instance, imagining how this route would change the dynamic of my life and everything would be perfect. The power is in the recognition of these responses though. Now that I know this I can acknowledge that it is a response to idly drifting in my life and I can ask myself “how can I get more present?” It actually isn’t even an option, it is a must because if ignored this state of being will cause physical sickness, emotional anxiety and other forms of physical manifestation.

Last night I wasn’t even planning to get to yoga because I had hockey. I have been on the ice a lot more recently, and love it. But this also translates to me moving a bit faster throughout my days and less connected to my breath because it is a different form of movement. It is intense, competitive, and distracting. Whereas my yoga practice can get intense to, but it is soothing and connecting in nature. I need the balance, or else I am an overflowing vase of YANG with no yin and feelings of being out of control consume me. My mind and body was literally screaming at me last night “YOU NEED TO BREATHE TODAY. GET TO YOGA. NOT BY YOURSELF. GO TO YOGA CLASS” and instead of questioning the urge I just packed up all my things and rushed to get to class before my hockey. My mind and body let me know what I need especially when I don’t waste time trying to ignore the messages that feel right as they pass through me. Your being knows what you need too,  so start tuning in. This listening is the best gift there is, and it is always available to you, you just have to choose it.

The same thing is true about when you start to try to change external circumstances of your life because you imagine a different reality being better than the one you are living right now. Your inner truth behind those thoughts is available for you to tap in to but you have to trust yourself and give yourself the space to feel ALL the feelings. Yes ALL of them. Not only the lovely, happy, warm feelings. But the fear, the worry, the guilt and the pain too. This is not to say that you shouldn’t change your career path if you feel a calling in another direction it is just a reminder that not all of our thoughts will actually be leading us to living in our power. I know for a fact that no matter what I would change my life trajectory towards it wouldn’t feel any better because the issue is not external to me, it is my lack of presence and commitment to being in the current moment. To conclude for now, I am promising myself that I will do more each day to be “here, now”. For me this looks like: getting off my phone and leaving it away from me, engaging with more students when I’m supplying, making an effort to socialize more with people I love and staying committed to my yoga practice.  What does it look like for you?

xoxo

Grounding Myself

There’s something funny about becoming more conscious, more aware of how  connected you are to everything around you, and everything in the entire world for that matter. A few months ago I felt entirely  connected to my spiritual side, my belonging to a universal energy that we all belong to and we can all become aware of if we spend the time opening our eyes. I did however during those times, disconnect myself a lot physically from others. I believe it was necessary to propel me into my healing but I also am aware of how it is not a sustainable way of being if I want to live outside of my comfort zone and create my reality. 

 My entire life before this opening for me has been spent very disconnected, unconscious and more often distracted. It wasn’t bad though, it was just what was meant for me at that time during those years. I didn’t have so much extra time to spend contemplating my beliefs about existence, although I do recall I did the odd time, so maybe it was more so that I didn’t have the tools to start to confidently  believe what I do now. Either way, lately sometimes I find myself wishing I could dive back into that unawareness that I used to live in before everything opened up for me, maybe because it was easier. It was easier to remain unaccountable to my actions and choices, put blame on the external world for how I was experiencing my reality and be caught up in never-ending drama triangles, materialism and superficial pursuits. Now it is not possible for me to go back to place like this, however I do find myself trying to with my avoidance of meditation, tuning inwards and also lack of mindful presence in everything that I am doing. It is a double edge sword, because it is a beautiful thing to be aware that I am feeling very ungrounded in things I am doing most often lately because it offers me the opportunity to address the cause and work through it. However this awareness also feels like a burden sometimes, I wish it was a physical thought  bubble or weight I could choose to throw over my shoulder until I felt like turning around to pick it up. I wish I could continue to mindlessly engage in sport everyday to force myself to  be present to perform, to create a schedule so busy that there isn’t so much time for me to ponder how I can positively impact this world more and how I can connect with more people who are in alignment with me. I wish it was that simple, but then I have this internal dialogue about why would I wish for such a thing as being unconscious and disconnected when for as long as I can remember all I wanted to feel was safe and present in my every day existence and the creation of my life. 

The ironic thing is I think I realize that maybe I am feeling so ungrounded lately because I am trying to force this spiritual connected side of me into hiding, but this is the foundation of who I really am as a person. Perhaps I feel unsafe because I am denying my inner self the right to shine and the right to be big, bold and verbal in life. I am too caught up in the: What if I can’t find more people who are open to this life investment in self-inquiry and connectedness? What if everybody just thinks I’m weird? The work, the self-inquiry, the nitty gritty process of learning how to unlearn everything I have absorbed into my consciousness that is of no use to me is hard, and it doesn’t go away, there is no ending to this work. I understand I’ll go through seasons, some will be more introspective and connected in nature, while others will not be, and that is okay. But I have the opportunity to choose what I focus on, to recognize I am not in balance and bring myself back to it with choices of where I direct my focus and energy.

 I think this is a self-reminder more than anything that judging myself harshly for the season I am in lately does no good, it only creates tension on a spiritual level but also a physical level in my body. I was shuffling my Tarot cards deck last night when I asked the typical question I ask “Universe what message do you have for me today?” and as I was shuffling I opened the deck and saw one card. At the end when I picked a card out randomly it ended up being the same card I had originally seen and I laughed because I know it is divine timing message. The card described how in order to heal relationships with others I need to tune in to my relationship with myself. That self-judging and being harsh internally or creating stories about my lack of growth does nothing but disconnect me more. It is so true I have not been cultivating a thought process of self-love lately, of patience for my physical body, connectedness in life and the thoughts I continue to spend time giving attention to. But it’s not about looking at this truth from a place of judgement again because then it’s as if I’m only digging myself into a deeper hole, the negative feedback loop is strong if you feed it and give it more power to control your conscious ways of thinking. I think for now I need to focus on: complete presence and immersion in what I am doing in the moment, allowing myself time to just “be” without actually doing and re-framing my thoughts about balance in physical busy-ness, connectedness with others and also carving out the time I crave each day to meditate, read, do my tarot work and write. The mantras I am bringing into my self-talk are: I am safe. I am grounded. I am healing as I am deeply rooted to existence yet free to float where I choose to.

Stepping into my Power

This past weekend I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training with Power Yoga Canada, the place where I fell In love with yoga, through the practice that has helped me begin learning how to love myself. I’ve been in the “almost” phase twice before, I backed out of the training, because of all these stories I told myself in my head. “I’m not ready yet. I’m not good enough to be a yoga teacher. I’ll never hold space in the room for other yogis like the teachers have for me. It’s too much money. People in my life are questioning why I’m doing it.” So I let those stories run me, I let them overpower the feeling in the pit of my belly that this training, this place, is where I am meant to be. But not this time. I actually almost backed out the week before. I started making excuses to convince myself. But I ultimately decided to just show up on day one, and boy am I glad I did.

I have never felt more connected or more safe than I have felt after two days in a room with 35 strangers. I had previously heard a bit about how the training makes you all best friends but that idea didn’t resonate with me until I was part-way through day one, sitting in my chair  thinking “wow I’ve never said that out-loud and now I just raised my  hand, stood up, made eye contact, and said it.” There’s a thread of intimacy that is undeniable in vulnerable sharing, maybe we all avoid it quite often in our day to day lives out of fear. I know I did. I know I still often do. I anticipated going right into anatomy for yoga, the history of yoga, and being responsible for understanding/memorizing it all. I know we are going to learn that, but that is not at all how the program started. We started with two full days, 9 am- 8pm of self-inquiry. We began with a power-point, sitting in chairs, learning about ourselves and having the opportunity, if we chose to, to share what was coming up for us by standing up, facing our new friends and speaking our truth. One of my main goals for this training was to speak out even if my words didn’t flow how I imagined they would from my head, I was going to do it anyways. I’m proud of myself because I did about a handful of times over the two days. I’m proud of everyone who was with me too.

Each night when I left the training I was surprised because I was ready to turn inwards to reflect but I was not physically exhausted at all. I felt a bit tired due to  the depth of the topics we were exploring but I felt awakened, inspired and actually ready to tackle anything that  came my way, including my own self-limiting beliefs which I’ve written about a little on my blog previously. I found it particularly hard to explain to my family and close friends though because I didn’t know how to put the feelings into words, or how to  describe how I felt more connected to this group of people who I had just met than many people I have been around for years. I didn’t know how to explain how I am moving into a fresh perspective of myself, without wondering if they would think I’m crazy. Then I realized I really don’t care if they do anyways because I know I’m just waking up.

I’ve written before about how the voice of fear/doubt can be a regular intruder in your mind, so much so that you mistake that voice for you and you believe it  every time it tells you that you cannot achieve something, that something is available for others but not for you, that you need to stop day-dreaming because it’s not going to happen. But in the past couple months I realize that I’ve been living in a state of anxiety and feeling like I have no control because I have let fear consume my thoughts and I have been stagnant in my growth on a spiritual level. I have been worrying about the future, feeling inadequate, wondering how I’ll ever have a job that truly resonates with me, feeling forced to fit into society’s expectations which feels suffocating at most times. This past weekend opened up this portal inside me that I was scared to allow because I didn’t want be overwhelmed, but I feel ready now. I also realized something new about the voice of doubt that can run my life too. Fear does not only show up in obvious ways, through various statements beginning with “I can’t do this.” Or “I am not worth it.” Fear also shows up as deeply imbedded understandings of who I am as a person, that defines my identity and thus shapes the reality I create for myself every day. In other words, fear shows up like little puzzle pieces, inter-woven into the deepest part of my understanding of who I am, how I relate to others and how I navigate every day life. For instance, I identity heavily with my introvertive essence, my desire to be alone to reflect and often isolate myself. But my understanding of being an introvert limits me, and shows up as a voice of fear because when I am feeling social, or feeling like I need connection with others, the self-talk that comes up tells me that I know I enjoy turning inward so I should stop earning for connection because I won’t enjoy socializing anyways. So this story that I tell myself that I am more  happy when I am alone, limits me from new opportunities to enjoy public socializing, to meet new people, and to find a balance between group socializing and personal introversion. How ironic that the qualities I have come to claim as who I am also hold me back.

Another theme that I have based my identity on is the fact that  “I am non-confrontational so when someone does something to me or others I disagree with,  I just need to sit back, shut up and see how it plays out without hurting anyone’s feelings too much.” This belief is so deeply embedded in who I believe I am and who I ought to be that I realize I remind myself of it constantly. When I feel violated or seriously hurt by someone close to me, I replay the scenario multiple times in my head, make excuses for them, recite what I wish I could say to them and then if I say anything at all it ends up being probably the exact opposite of what I need to get off my chest. Then that energy festers, it weighs me down, it makes me feel heavy and tired. But I never say it, because that is not who I have accepted I am, so I live in the box with this non-confrontational identity I have created for myself.

Furthermore, I also have gotten so comfortable with reminding myself that “I am independent and I’ve been hurt previously when I give my love to someone else so I’m better off alone” that I block my own opportunities for intimacy on a romantic level, out of comfort with complacency. Then I put the blame outside of me, when my mind wanders over the what ifs and why haven’t I questions about dating and love. I’ve accepted independence as one of my natural traits, as a building back of my identity, so I am often blocking my own opportunities to find love.              

There is so much self-reflection going on right now for me but I couldn’t be more open to what I can learn from it. I am finding it hard to insert myself back in my daily routine, going around places in reality and wishing I could connect everyone, even random strangers to this type of self-reflection. I know that all I have control over though is doing my own work. Over the weekend we also dove into “rackets”, which are stories or fronts we tell ourselves about people in our lives that define how we view them in every circumstance. So basically we have accepted a judgement we have made about each person in our lives as “who they are with a specific story-line” and it shapes everything as we move forward with them because it is the under-pinning of our limited understanding of them. We run rackets on everyone, and it affects us because we can explode out sideways, for example at our best-friend because they never pick up the phone when you need them, because you have subconsciously pre-judged and determined before-hand that they are selfish, self-absorbed, etc. These rackets are what cause us to explode on people who matter to us over something so small, because we are really releasing a whole load of energy that has built up around our overall judgement of their personality. We are unable to see their side, to appreciate their story and their interpretation because we are blinded by our need to be right. Rackets are what keep us from connecting to the ones we love, and instead of making up over a fight we would rather be stuck in our own rightness so we don’t even talk to the our loved ones, sometimes for years when there’s family drama as an example. I know I am an empath, so I consider myself relatively good at seeing other people’s side of the story. But I am now opening up to the possibility, which is the reality, that I clearly run rackets on every person that matters to me in my life and although they rarely cause complete physical separation they insert  emotional blocks that prevent me from intimacy with them. An overall judgement I carry inside of each person that matters to me will undeniably contribute to our conversations, our conflict and our opportunity to connect.

I think I could keep writing quite a bit longer but I will finish here. I invite any and everyone who is reading this to take the time to reflect on how your judgements of those in your life affect how you treat them on a daily basis. What can you do differently so that you can have intimacy with those who matter to you? What  can you let go of? Can you stop needing to be right all the time? I am going to practice this, starting with bringing awareness to every connection I have. Likewise, can you think about what boxes you have put yourself in that define your identity? I know for a fact that these boxes serve you in some areas of  your life, but can you take some time to think about how they limit you? For example, can you not make this decision because you are indecisive, or is it because you have accepted that indecisiveness defines you, and thus that’s the story that runs through your head whenever it is time to make an important decision. So instead of focusing truly on the situation at hand, you are running play by plays in your head of the previous times you’ve been indecisive. Because that’s who you are right? Or is that just who you’ve convinced yourself  you are? The same boxes that you think free you and define you hold you back from stepping out of your comfort zone, which can be a scary place, but I encourage you to jump there with a whole lot of faith, I promise I am trying to do the same.

Farewell, for now (L)

I waited so long to write this entry because I didn’t know what to start with. Actually I didn’t know what to really write about at all. I still don’t know. I can’t figure out how to put the feelings into words, I don’t think the words will give the pain it’s true justice. My fingers are just typing away whatever comes up for me right now, and that’s okay I think that’s supposed to help my heal piece by piece. For some reason I had some anxiety too about posting more about losing Dani. She was my sister,  she was the family I chose. She was in my life since we were 12 years old. Her family is my family forever. For some reason I had self-limiting thoughts come up, fearing that people will think I post about this to get attention or because I want pity from others. But that’s not why. I am finally correcting these false beliefs as they rise in my mind because I am writing to release, and I am writing to connect to her.  I posted Dani day after day after day especially when I first found out because it made it feel like she was still there with me. It felt like my Instagram was a portal connecting with her, as if she could read all my captions, see all my posts and know she was so loved. But most importantly I am writing because I am going to make change in this world, I am on a mission now. I do not want anyone to feel bad for me I want to ask you all to join me because this mission is for all of us in unity.

I met Dani when I was 12 years old and she was 11. We were both selected to play on a travel hockey team and our moms connected at the rink one night. I still remember the first night she came to my house. My parents chatted with her beautiful Mother while her and I took selfies for no reason, as many 12 years old do. We watched a movie upstairs and wore clay face masks. I invited Dani to sleepover and she didn’t end up staying. About a year later she ended up telling me she was nervous to sleepover because we had just met and she found that so funny now because we were inseparable. I know I still have those photos somewhere on an old hard-drive, I hope I can find them. From there we spent many weeknights and weekends together, on the ice, at away tournaments and just hanging out. Dani knew everything about what was going on in my life. From which boy I liked at the time to which girls were being bullies in elementary school, I told her everything. She told me too. I remember our tournament in Ottawa when we played hockey, my dad offered to bring Dani with us so I spent the entire weekend with her. We ordered hot chocolates at an Irish pub, explored the parliament buildings with my dad, had hot tubs and dinners with our team. We slept in the same bed (but who really slept when you’re laughing so hard), helped each other get up for our 8am games and had so much fun. That year changed my life, I had found my real best friend. The only girl in my life thus far that I felt loved me unconditionally and genuinely wanted what was best for me. We all know girls can be catty, especially in the younger ages, instigating drama that has no meaning. Dani was the first girl  I connected with on the level where I knew she would be there for me through any and everything I faced in my life, and it was so effortless to be with her.

Fast forward a bit, our parents really connected too and suddenly in grade 9 we ended up in Dominican at an all-inclusive, for my first time. Dani had often traveled. I didn’t know such beautiful places even existed I was in awe the entire trip. Dani and I, along with Megs, had our own room for every trip we went on. So it was like we were living in an alternate reality, with little parent supervision and so much freedom. We went on 5 tropical trips together. They are my favourite memories of my entire life, I looked forward to them every single year. We took thousands of photos and videos, I am so grateful that I still have so many saved through facebook because I look at them every day. I am an introvert by nature, although I didn’t admit this until the last year. I used to try to force myself to be social 24.7 and conform to that ideal personality because I associated introversion with being odd and I just wanted to fit in. I didn’t have the best experience with friendships and bullying in elementary school so I carried a low self-esteem into my teenage and early adulthood years. After hanging out with acquaintances or  close friends for a while I would need to be solo. I needed to recharge my batteries and just be, alone. But somehow I spent every waking moment with Dani, from the crack of dawn beach runs and buffet breakfasts, to the end of our resort exploring nights. We shared a room, a bed, everything. I never needed to re-charge from Dani once. I never thought, “I need some alone time right now.” We never got in one fight, ever, about anything. There was no passive-aggressiveness, no competition between us, it was just love in the purest form possible. Dani became my sisters best-friend too. She was my only friend who loved and treated Meghan like she treated me. Meghan lost her sister too. On our trips Dani was so popular with everyone we encountered, boys loved her for her beauty that glowed from the inside out, she was radiant to put it in one word. She had so much love to give.  I remember falling asleep one night after we laughed for two hours straight- which we did pretty often. We laughed so much that we have peed our pants before, we laughed until our stomachs felt like we had 6 pack rock hard abs. I was drifting in an out of sleep and just thinking about how fucking lucky I was to have found my person. Dani was my real person and  I thought to myself, I don’t know what would happen if I lost Dani in this life. I couldn’t do it. I just can’t imagine my life without her. Then I got angry at myself for thinking a horrible thought like that, because we had so much more to do together in life and I fell asleep.

Through those years even though we went to different high-schools and had to play on different teams, I saw Dani regularly. We got to play soccer together when we were 17. I remember Dani was such a team-mate, it was never about her own points. One game we were away in Niagara at a field with so much mosquitoes, we were late arriving together and we had to warm up together and we were just getting attacked by bugs but we couldn’t stop laughing about it. We got to play on the same side of the field, she played winger and I played striker, and we had such chemistry down the line. If anyone touched her though I wanted to get them. We even played against each other in high-school soccer. My coach had to switch my position because we couldn’t be aggressive towards each other we just kept laughing and trying not to make eye-contact. I haven’t explained it yet but Dani had the best laugh in the world. It was like a never-ending cackle that was more contagious than a yawn. You could hear it from another floor in a house with the door closed, and you had to smile. 

As we got older, I went to University, Dani did too but she decided to post-phone her education to find herself and her life direction a bit more. We didn’t see much of each other for that year but we spoke weekly and still connected in person when we could. One night we went to Port Credit and sat by the water on the rocks under the bridge with a giant blanket and just talked about our plans to see the world together. We reminded each other we would never settle for anything in our lives that didn’t set our souls on fire. We got burritos and we drank tea until we were too cold to stay there anymore. One year during university when I lived downtown for a semester we had an open room for rent and Dani was looking for a place, I was so excited, she came to pick me up at my family home so we could plan it out. This was the first fight we ever got in and there was a wedge there afterwards that we didn’t want to acknowledge. If I could turn back time and be back in this moment, a thousand times again I would do it. As a person I hate fights, I hate confrontation and most of the time I go silent and hold my feelings inside. I don’t say what’s on my mind immediately, I need time to process. So instead of trying to talk out the problem I asked Dani to drop me off, I was upset and I didn’t want to talk about anything. I remember the day I found out Dani tore her knee in soccer, she was devastated. When she had surgery I showed up at her doorstep with my sleepover bag and a giant bag of her favourite Bulk Barn candy. We cuddled and fell asleep together talking. I felt her sadness about her injury and I wanted to save her from it. The same way I wanted to save her then I wanted to save her during this fight, I think about that day so often. What if I had spoken up? What if I had cried to you and been honest? What if, instead of running away from the confrontation I faced it? What if we then had moved in together, could I have changed your experiences? Could I have re-directed your life? But the most common question that is I ask, is could I have saved you? Could I have let you see that love is the way in life and that you are so loved beyond your ability to fathom it? We got over the fight a few months later, but I still didn’t take a stance. I didn’t stand up and speak in my truth, I held it in and just let it go because I needed you. We had rollerblade dates by the lake, sleepovers in Toronto at your grandmas and even if I hadn’t seen you for months because of University it didn’t change a damn thing. One night we even walked 4 hours down Lakeshore, from the highway all way into the city where we found a café and had a cappuccino. Time didn’t exist with Dani, we weren’t even tired.

As University went on for me I knew Dani was stressed about her life direction and when she was she pushed me away. I didn’t get text replies and I often went straight to voicemail when I called. I felt angry sometimes. I would think to myself, “why doesn’t she want to talk to me anymore?” or “I guess she found new best friends and doesn’t care to stay connected to me anymore.” Through my thoughts I would send love but I was also hurt. I heard Dani was sick one day and she hadn’t replied to me messages in a while, but I got a message from her. It said “Thanks for reaching out Ash. I’ll always love you and consider you my closest friend. Don’t forget that please.” I smiled and I cried a bit, I missed her so much. Dani went through some hard losses in the years before her death, when I hadn’t seen her in a while I finally did at a funeral. Someone came to her to give her condolences and asked about me and Meghan, Dani replied “These are my real friends. They’re like my family.” Although it was a really sad day, Meghan and I were so happy to be with Dani again. Some time passed and I wasn’t getting replies from Dani again, but I wasn’t angry I was just sending her hope and waiting. Dani posted a photo of her and I and wrote how these old times were the best times and she couldn’t wait to see me soon. She reached out to me when my grandma passed and told me to stay strong she knew I could do it. She commented a profile picture of me “I love u.” I took all those posts and comments as a call to reach back out to me, so we could finally reconnect. I had graduated university finally, Dani and I had always talked about planning long term backpack travels at this point in our lives and I always day-dreamed that we would actually do it.  The last message I sent her was a month before she passed, I sent her a photo of us having a laugh attack in my garage on my 18^th birthday and  I wrote:

I love reading back through our messages, and I’m so happy she saw this message. She didn’t reply but I hope she knows how much I meant it. I wish I said so much more than this. I wish I did so much more than I did. I am so fortunate to have such a supportive network of people who have helped me through  losing Dani, I wish I was as supportive of a network for Dani as an individual in the last year of her life. I know I have heard over and over again, that is not my fault. I do not believe it is my fault either, I believe many things added up and that there is divine timing for everything, even when it hurts like you’re being stabbed in the chest. But I do believe I could have sent more love, every day. I do believe I could have reacted differently in speaking my truth with conviction from the start instead of holding it in, I do believe I should have done many things differently. I heard that’s how we all feel after we lose someone close to us, especially if it is suddenly and unexpected. I am sad that when Dani was hurting a few months before she passed she did not reach out to me. I know she was a strong, independent, stubborn and bad-ass young woman who didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially the people who loved her soul the most. So I know that’s why she pushed us away. I know now what I wish I knew a few years ago, she was not avoiding me of out lack of love, she was avoiding me out of the purest form of love possible. She felt like she was a weight and she didn’t want to bring be down with her. I wish I could tell her now that no matter what  pain she came to my door with we could have brought each other up together.

About 6 months before Dani passed my heart had opened and I was beginning my journey into spirituality, universal connectedness and healing from past traumas that have manifested as an eating disorder and anxiety for years. I was in a really good place in my life, I was finally happy, as I am now, with who I am as a person, my loving nature to the core and my contentment with solitude on my own. The only part of my life that I was struggling with was my career direction, worrying about finances, trying to live up to other’s expectations and the materialism of the world I live in. But I am working through it now. Losing Dani has helped me see differently, I live differently now. I scrolled all the way through our facebook conversations dating back to 2011. Dani had messaged me something once, ‘I want to feel like I don’t work a day of my life because I’ll be doing something I love.” I forget about that conversation with her, and that is what I have been struggling the most with immensely since University graduation. I have had so much fear, about my direction in life, whether I will succeed. I have had self-doubt, manifesting as conversations with myself where I tell myself I am not good enough or capable enough. So physically I have been frozen, in a spiritual transition period where I am not moving physically forward to manifest my visions. Just coming across this message now when I was reminiscing on my memories with Dani is too ironic for it to be a coincidence. I have learned the most life lessons from her, and I feel her with me in everything I do now. I feel a void in my heart, it will never be filled, but I also feel a presence that will never disappear.

The night I found out about Dani’s passing was a strange one. I had severe anxiety all day at work, I was supposed to go to Jamaica 3 days later. On the drive home from work, I  turned the radio off, sat at a red light and yelled outloud with my arms up facing the sky “OKAY UNIVERSE I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A FCKN SIGN. If  I should stay home from this trip, I need a sign that I will pay attention to. A real sign, not something little. Please I need your help.” Four  hours later I was watching the Notebook by myself as my family was away for the weekend and I got the worst call I’ve ever had to answer. I screamed and sobbed and I have NEVER felt so much emotion in my body in my entire life. I almost broke a vase and I wanted to throw plates and smash them everywhere. I’ve never felt such an urge in my life. I called my mom and she offered to come home immediately from their trip, I actually wanted to be alone. It felt good to just  cry and yell and express myself without anyone else to answer to there. Then my beautiful friend Colleen came to sleep with me, thank you Colleen for just being you. It’s been almost seven months since May 21^st. But my grieving is in no way aware of timing. For the visitations and funeral I created a bunch of art, I ordered memoirs of Dani for my room, I got my tattoo designed and created in memory of Dani. I was physically doing, because it felt good. I would cry, mostly in the car and at yoga, and I was doing the best I could. I went through a period after that where I just denied it completely. I avoided thinking about her, I physically did what I had to do during the days and nights and I just kept putting one foot forward at a time. Then a few months after that I had a two week break-down where I just wanted to cry every single day. Grieving has no time line. The missing piece never gets filled, I believe we just learn to cope and if we are open to connection in the spiritual world we will see the signs, and feel them through our entire being. Dani has shown up for me  through songs on the radio, songs in savasana at the yoga studio, spontaneously showing up as her hockey # on the  yoga mat beside me, blowing a photo of herself onto the floor in front of my toes, and so much more. The most beautiful thing of all she is doing though is connecting me to beautiful people with open hearts. I have recently been connected to two beautiful women in the last week, through a job opportunity who have experienced significant losses and they are on a healing mission in their lives just like I am. I just met them, but I have known their hearts my entire life. In the last 6 months alone I have made new friends who I know will  be forever friends because they are genuine souls who I was meant to meet.

Dani is with me every day now because I am going to live a life where my job is not a chore, I am going to make an impact in each and every way I can. I am going to remember to fragility of life and how much it means to live each moment with a thankful heart. I  am not going to respond as if I am hurt when the people I love push me away, because I now know they do not want to be a burden so it is up to me to show up for them, even if they act like they don’t want it. I am never going to shrink and worry about using my voice again, because my voice is meant to be loud. Just like I told Dani a year ago, don’t give up on yourself & I’m never ever going to give up on you.

Dear Dani,

I love you. Farewell, for now <3