Exercise isn’t a tool to be used to control the space you take up in this world; exercise is a celebration of what your body is capable of

Guess who hasn’t gone to the gym in more than a week? Guess who has only done one slow- paced short workout in the past 15 days? Guess who doesn’t feel guilty at all? Rewind even just a month ago and it wouldn’t have been me raising my hand. In a growing era of sedentary living with multiple health diseases on the rise, physical activity is encouraged as a preventative measure as well as a treatment option for a wide range of diseases.  WHO states that 80% of people overall are too sedentary. Living a sedentary lifestyle has been correlated to many health problems, and is even considered to have twice the risk of early mortality than obesity. All of the research proves that we need to choose to move our bodies to improve our health and quality of life.  I absolutely agree, we need to get off the couch and move. But what happens when our idea of fit becomes distorted and it actually turns into an unhealthy obsession?

 As part of this generation’s obsession with being “fit” we are witnessing a social media epidemic of photos/videos promoting the “perfect” slender female body as fitspo aka fit inspiration (a rant for another day). It’s no wonder that so many of us try to get involved in the gym lifestyle, get overwhelmed or upset when we don’t see changes miraculously fast. Then give up while simultaneously feeling worthless for convincing ourselves that it’s our lack of willpower that caused us to fail. Just as our connection to fitness can positively enhance our lives it can negatively impact us as well; as we become jaded and cause a whole other set of physical and mental health issues. This paragraph feels like my autobiography of the last decade.

The gym used to be my saving grace, or so I thought. I would be so excited to get there after school/work and get a great pump in, especially leg workouts which I did 2-3 x a week. Most times I just had a mental framework of what my week would look like and I would go with the flow based on how sore I was. Some other times I would plan ahead and write down a strict schedule that I would get mad at myself for not following through with. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the feeling of completing an intense workout and focusing on improving my speed and mind-to-muscle connection. I also still know that the gym can provide so much more than just physical health benefits, such as improvements in anxiety and depression.  But somewhere along the line, the gym and working out started to become a cause of my anxiety, and it actually started to control my life. I was physically strong, leg pressing 630 pounds. But emotionally and spiritually drained, with no connection to myself.

It started off with prioritizing the gym over other aspects of my life. Basically it came before any and everything else in my life.I needed to work out or else I felt extreme guilt. Two days off in a row was just unacceptable. Then it progressed to cancelling events, avoiding the social sphere in order to work out more than once or for a few hours at a time. I know I lodged wedges in some of my friendships because of my last minute cancellations, but I had way too much pride to even admit to myself that I have a real problem. Consecutively I was in a vicious hate cycle with food, where I would stress binge-eat one day, and starve the next 1-2 days. If I had to miss a gym session, I would stress binge eat. If I started to think about all my due-dates, I would stress binge eat. If I noticed I had gained any weight on the scale or because my pants fit differently, I would stress binge eat (completely irrational but it’s reality). Then I would restrict my food plan to only lean meats and vegetables. I would “fail” to stick to this plan, and would hate myself for having one bowl of pasta, or one cookie. This would then trigger another episode of emotional eating because I could eat everything I like right now then start fresh tomorrow since I “failed.” Ironically it was just an ongoing cycle of self-sabotage because immediately after I would plan what workouts I had to do to prevent weight gain. This meant going to the gym sometimes 10 at night to just do cardio for 1-2 hours after I had already worked out.  This meant using laxatives which eventually lead to purging. This meant working out even when I had the chills and a fever. This even meant paying for a pass at a 24 hour gym because I NEEDED to. I recall one weekend I ate way too much on a Friday night so I decided I would not eat for the entire weekend during my hockey tournament. I double-shifted for 5 games and didn’t eat anything until Sunday night. The worst part is I felt so proud of myself for accomplishing that goal.

Where did I cross the line of engaging in fitness for fun and challenge to improve, to using fitness as a tool of self-destruction and to fuel my disorder? I don’t know the answer. But I do know that when I decided to be brutally honest with myself I was able to accept that only I can break this cycle and it won’t be a straight sprint to that finish line. My choice to focus on change started when I was told I was negatively affecting my adrenal function and I needed to slow down. I didn’t change my habits immediately, but that lead me to online research and self-reflection.  I can tell you that it took a few months after that, but I am choosing to drop my ego and to show my body the love it deserves, after all I live in her every day.  I am still not even close to recovered, I still have to focus on changing my assumptions and ways of thinking, but it is now my priority and I’m not scared to talk about it anymore.

It feels like I’m rambling so much about myself and my experiences, but this blog is not only to reach any and everyone who comes across it, I’m also writing to help me heal. Healing is a journey and when I write it feels like I’m releasing a lot of built up tension, and even learning more about myself.  I’m writing to help me but I also am writing in complete honesty because I want to change our perception of what it means to be fit and how we go about incorporating activity into our lives. I tried hot yoga about 3 years ago with my sister, and it was ridiculously hard because I lacked flexibility and had severe “hockey hips” as we call it (LOL). But I felt literally re-born at the end of a class and so I started to go more often. I went through periods where I would go almost every day, then I wouldn’t go again because I would mentally believe that I didn’t burn enough calories so I needed to prioritize my intense workouts. Just this past year I joined a separate studio and I really can’t get enough of it. I’ve gone every day for the past couple weeks and I practice at home as well. But I’m not practicing to burn calories, I’m not practicing to control my weight, I’m not practicing because my disorder told me I need to. I'm practicing because for the first time in years I finally feel free, for the first time since I can remember I feel connected to my body’s needs. 

I will still go to the gym when I wake up feeling like that’s what my body needs, but that is not how I feel today.  I will not think about how many calories I will burn. I will not stay for hours and I will not feel guilty for those choices. The key message I want to get across is that we have to find ways to move our body that we enjoy so it isn't a punishment, or a chore. I know way too many people who hate the gym but force themselves to go a few times a week to a trainer because that’s what everyone is doing. I understand if you are having health issues and you need the enthusiasm of a trainer to reach your goals, then sign up! But if you’re dragging yourself around in the gym, hating every second of your workout and just going through the motions to say to yourself that you did something today, WHAT IS THE POINT?! If you love swimming why are you running on the treadmill for hours when you have knee pain? If you hate the busyness of the gym setting, why are you forcing yourself to go at 5 pm every day? There are so many options to move your body in ways you love, such as: dancing at home, 4 minute Tabatha body-weight workouts, hiking, biking, rollerblading, sport leagues, tai chi, yoga, DVD videos, group boot-camps, pole-dancing. Life is too short to make routines and habits based off activities that drain your soul. I used to find it annoying that my siblings never wanted to come to the gym, now I realize I admire them for  staying true to themselves. 

We need to stop force feeding this idea that if you don’t go to conventional gyms you’re a reject and you better change that choice or else you don’t fit this society’s definition of “fit and healthy”. Studying physical education and teaching at university is exciting right now because phys-ed in schools is changing from a sport model to a healthy-for-life model where we encourage our youth to find ways they love to be active for life. Like every change it takes a long time to implement across the whole system, but we have taken the first step to make the necessary changes. As adults it might take us a long time to drop judgement and reflect on our own views and biases about what it means to be healthy and how we consciously choose to be active on a day to day basis. But we can do it as long as we keep the conversation going and keep talking about the stereotypes perpetuated on social media about what it means and what it looks like to be fit (I’m going to write an entry about this also soon.) This article really would never have an end, I could keep writing. I’ll finish here by saying listening, loving and healing your body takes time, because we have spent a lot of time throwing our bodies off balance with dysfunctional thoughts, processed foods, lack of activity and poor sleep patterns. So as we move forward, be patient with your body; nothing long-lasting happens overnight. Food isn’t your enemy to hate; food is your friend to fuel. Of equal importance, exercise isn’t a tool to be used to control the space you take up in this world; exercise is a celebration of what your body is capable of.