There’s something funny about becoming more conscious, more
aware of how connected you are to
everything around you, and everything in the entire world for that matter. A
few months ago I felt entirely connected
to my spiritual side, my belonging to a universal energy that we all belong to
and we can all become aware of if we spend the time opening our eyes. I did
however during those times, disconnect myself a lot physically from others. I
believe it was necessary to propel me into my healing but I also am aware of
how it is not a sustainable way of being if I want to live outside of my
comfort zone and create my reality.
My
entire life before this opening for me has been spent very disconnected, unconscious
and more often distracted. It wasn’t bad though, it was just what was meant for
me at that time during those years. I didn’t have so much extra time to spend
contemplating my beliefs about existence, although I do recall I did the odd
time, so maybe it was more so that I didn’t have the tools to start to
confidently believe what I do now.
Either way, lately sometimes I find myself wishing I could dive back into that
unawareness that I used to live in before everything opened up for me, maybe
because it was easier. It was easier to remain unaccountable to my actions and
choices, put blame on the external world for how I was experiencing my reality
and be caught up in never-ending drama triangles, materialism and superficial
pursuits. Now it is not possible for me to go back to place like this, however
I do find myself trying to with my avoidance of meditation, tuning inwards and
also lack of mindful presence in everything that I am doing. It is a double edge sword,
because it is a beautiful thing to be aware that I am feeling very ungrounded
in things I am doing most often lately because it offers me the opportunity to
address the cause and work through it. However this awareness also feels like a
burden sometimes, I wish it was a physical thought bubble or weight I could choose to throw over
my shoulder until I felt like turning around to pick it up. I wish I could
continue to mindlessly engage in sport everyday to force myself to be present to perform, to create a schedule
so busy that there isn’t so much time for me to ponder how I can positively
impact this world more and how I can connect with more people who are in
alignment with me. I wish it was that simple, but then I have this internal
dialogue about why would I wish for such a thing as being unconscious and disconnected
when for as long as I can remember all I wanted to feel was safe and present in
my every day existence and the creation of my life.
The ironic thing is I think
I realize that maybe I am feeling so ungrounded lately because I am trying to
force this spiritual connected side of me into hiding, but this is the
foundation of who I really am as a person. Perhaps I feel unsafe because I am
denying my inner self the right to shine and the right to be big, bold and
verbal in life. I am too caught up in the: What if I can’t find more people who
are open to this life investment in self-inquiry and connectedness? What if
everybody just thinks I’m weird? The work, the self-inquiry, the nitty gritty
process of learning how to unlearn everything I have absorbed into my
consciousness that is of no use to me is hard, and it doesn’t go away, there is
no ending to this work. I understand I’ll go through seasons, some will be more
introspective and connected in nature, while others will not be, and that is
okay. But I have the opportunity to choose what I focus on, to recognize I am
not in balance and bring myself back to it with choices of where I direct my
focus and energy.
I think this is a self-reminder more than anything that
judging myself harshly for the season I am in lately does no good, it only
creates tension on a spiritual level but also a physical level in my body. I was
shuffling my Tarot cards deck last night when I asked the typical question I
ask “Universe what message do you have for me today?” and as I was shuffling I
opened the deck and saw one card. At the end when I picked a card out randomly
it ended up being the same card I had originally seen and I laughed because I
know it is divine timing message. The card described how in order to heal
relationships with others I need to tune in to my relationship with myself.
That self-judging and being harsh internally or creating stories about my lack
of growth does nothing but disconnect me more. It is so true I have not been
cultivating a thought process of self-love lately, of patience for my physical
body, connectedness in life and the thoughts I continue to spend time giving
attention to. But it’s not about looking at this truth from a place of
judgement again because then it’s as if I’m only digging myself into a deeper
hole, the negative feedback loop is strong if you feed it and give it more
power to control your conscious ways of thinking. I think for now I need to
focus on: complete presence and immersion in what I am doing in the moment, allowing
myself time to just “be” without actually doing and re-framing my thoughts
about balance in physical busy-ness, connectedness with others and also carving
out the time I crave each day to meditate, read, do my tarot work and write.
The mantras I am bringing into my self-talk are: I am safe. I am grounded. I am healing as I am deeply
rooted to existence yet free to float where I choose to.
