Grounding Myself

There’s something funny about becoming more conscious, more aware of how  connected you are to everything around you, and everything in the entire world for that matter. A few months ago I felt entirely  connected to my spiritual side, my belonging to a universal energy that we all belong to and we can all become aware of if we spend the time opening our eyes. I did however during those times, disconnect myself a lot physically from others. I believe it was necessary to propel me into my healing but I also am aware of how it is not a sustainable way of being if I want to live outside of my comfort zone and create my reality. 

 My entire life before this opening for me has been spent very disconnected, unconscious and more often distracted. It wasn’t bad though, it was just what was meant for me at that time during those years. I didn’t have so much extra time to spend contemplating my beliefs about existence, although I do recall I did the odd time, so maybe it was more so that I didn’t have the tools to start to confidently  believe what I do now. Either way, lately sometimes I find myself wishing I could dive back into that unawareness that I used to live in before everything opened up for me, maybe because it was easier. It was easier to remain unaccountable to my actions and choices, put blame on the external world for how I was experiencing my reality and be caught up in never-ending drama triangles, materialism and superficial pursuits. Now it is not possible for me to go back to place like this, however I do find myself trying to with my avoidance of meditation, tuning inwards and also lack of mindful presence in everything that I am doing. It is a double edge sword, because it is a beautiful thing to be aware that I am feeling very ungrounded in things I am doing most often lately because it offers me the opportunity to address the cause and work through it. However this awareness also feels like a burden sometimes, I wish it was a physical thought  bubble or weight I could choose to throw over my shoulder until I felt like turning around to pick it up. I wish I could continue to mindlessly engage in sport everyday to force myself to  be present to perform, to create a schedule so busy that there isn’t so much time for me to ponder how I can positively impact this world more and how I can connect with more people who are in alignment with me. I wish it was that simple, but then I have this internal dialogue about why would I wish for such a thing as being unconscious and disconnected when for as long as I can remember all I wanted to feel was safe and present in my every day existence and the creation of my life. 

The ironic thing is I think I realize that maybe I am feeling so ungrounded lately because I am trying to force this spiritual connected side of me into hiding, but this is the foundation of who I really am as a person. Perhaps I feel unsafe because I am denying my inner self the right to shine and the right to be big, bold and verbal in life. I am too caught up in the: What if I can’t find more people who are open to this life investment in self-inquiry and connectedness? What if everybody just thinks I’m weird? The work, the self-inquiry, the nitty gritty process of learning how to unlearn everything I have absorbed into my consciousness that is of no use to me is hard, and it doesn’t go away, there is no ending to this work. I understand I’ll go through seasons, some will be more introspective and connected in nature, while others will not be, and that is okay. But I have the opportunity to choose what I focus on, to recognize I am not in balance and bring myself back to it with choices of where I direct my focus and energy.

 I think this is a self-reminder more than anything that judging myself harshly for the season I am in lately does no good, it only creates tension on a spiritual level but also a physical level in my body. I was shuffling my Tarot cards deck last night when I asked the typical question I ask “Universe what message do you have for me today?” and as I was shuffling I opened the deck and saw one card. At the end when I picked a card out randomly it ended up being the same card I had originally seen and I laughed because I know it is divine timing message. The card described how in order to heal relationships with others I need to tune in to my relationship with myself. That self-judging and being harsh internally or creating stories about my lack of growth does nothing but disconnect me more. It is so true I have not been cultivating a thought process of self-love lately, of patience for my physical body, connectedness in life and the thoughts I continue to spend time giving attention to. But it’s not about looking at this truth from a place of judgement again because then it’s as if I’m only digging myself into a deeper hole, the negative feedback loop is strong if you feed it and give it more power to control your conscious ways of thinking. I think for now I need to focus on: complete presence and immersion in what I am doing in the moment, allowing myself time to just “be” without actually doing and re-framing my thoughts about balance in physical busy-ness, connectedness with others and also carving out the time I crave each day to meditate, read, do my tarot work and write. The mantras I am bringing into my self-talk are: I am safe. I am grounded. I am healing as I am deeply rooted to existence yet free to float where I choose to.