Being Here Now

Somewhere along the way of my daily living, right now, I am in a new space of thinking. I wish I knew how I got here, so I could teleport back here again when my thinking shifts back to a place of anxiety, fear and worry- which will come. I know this will come because life is an eb and flow, moving into new ways of being and then shrinking back into old ways sometimes too. The only thing that really matters is that we practice recognizing when the way we are thinking is limiting our present moment happiness, and choose to do the work to re-frame our internal voice. Right now I am only thinking about what is going to make me happy today, I am not thinking about what could go wrong 5 years from now. I mean sure sometimes those thoughts pop into my mind and I catch myself almost instantly and chuckle a little because who has time to worry about then when all we really have is right now? Literally, we only have now. Later will be what we have later, so we  can deal with it then, however it may turn out.

I am no longer fearing that teaching is not a career for me because maybe I’ll get sick of It in 20 years. I am reminding myself that I enjoyed my yoga camp, that I have so much to teach in the education system and it begins with love of self that our youth are missing. They  aren’t taught this. I will teach it, no matter what age group I end up teaching. I am no longer concerned about my romantic relationships, my future or how it will end up. I am simply living today and doing what makes me happy, I am hopeful that tomorrow will come and if I continue to seek what lights up my heart, then tomorrow will turn out how it is meant to be.

I wrote the above paragraphs a couple months ago when I felt very aligned, connected and present. Not every day is this cheerful though. Some days I feel like I’m drowning in the thoughts of my mind, the what ifs, the questions. It feels like a blessing and a curse all at once to have an over-active mind that questions every possibility, about my life and the walls I’ve built around myself to stay safe in my comfort zone. It is very powerful to have insight into the ways which I try to protect myself- from  a fear rejection, not belonging, ridicule, etc. But at times it can also feel isolating because this insight doesn’t automatically provide us with the tools to change the dynamics of our existence. Thus we may feel perpetually stuck at a road-block, with a heightened awareness yet no idea how to trek onward or progress. I saw a quote the other day that went like this:

 

“I tend toward dramatic thinking. When I have a problem, or when I  feel icky, I tend to think the solution is: I have to move and I need a new family, and a new religion and a new house. I need to s tart all over, everything Is terrible. But what I usually need is, like, a glass of water.” – Glennon Doyle

This quote hits home for me because when I feel complacency creeping in my first reaction is to try to change something about my direction in life. Usually it’s career related or living in Canada related. I start to obsess about finding my calling which I convince myself is not teaching in the education system and have a mental dialogue with myself about how I am so off track right now. If I’m able to really get present though and sit with myself the awareness arises that when I am in that state of mind I am not being all I can be in my present life, in my current job and on a daily basis. What needs fixing is nothing external to me. Actually nothing needs fixing at all, I am perfect as I am, I am just not present or engaged in my life as it is, right now. I am romanticizing in my mind some other version of my life, that must be better, must be more fulfilling. It would solve all my overthinking battles, right?  So what do I do next? If I am not sitting with myself and acknowledging this truth, I am then obsessing over researching other career options for instance, imagining how this route would change the dynamic of my life and everything would be perfect. The power is in the recognition of these responses though. Now that I know this I can acknowledge that it is a response to idly drifting in my life and I can ask myself “how can I get more present?” It actually isn’t even an option, it is a must because if ignored this state of being will cause physical sickness, emotional anxiety and other forms of physical manifestation.

Last night I wasn’t even planning to get to yoga because I had hockey. I have been on the ice a lot more recently, and love it. But this also translates to me moving a bit faster throughout my days and less connected to my breath because it is a different form of movement. It is intense, competitive, and distracting. Whereas my yoga practice can get intense to, but it is soothing and connecting in nature. I need the balance, or else I am an overflowing vase of YANG with no yin and feelings of being out of control consume me. My mind and body was literally screaming at me last night “YOU NEED TO BREATHE TODAY. GET TO YOGA. NOT BY YOURSELF. GO TO YOGA CLASS” and instead of questioning the urge I just packed up all my things and rushed to get to class before my hockey. My mind and body let me know what I need especially when I don’t waste time trying to ignore the messages that feel right as they pass through me. Your being knows what you need too,  so start tuning in. This listening is the best gift there is, and it is always available to you, you just have to choose it.

The same thing is true about when you start to try to change external circumstances of your life because you imagine a different reality being better than the one you are living right now. Your inner truth behind those thoughts is available for you to tap in to but you have to trust yourself and give yourself the space to feel ALL the feelings. Yes ALL of them. Not only the lovely, happy, warm feelings. But the fear, the worry, the guilt and the pain too. This is not to say that you shouldn’t change your career path if you feel a calling in another direction it is just a reminder that not all of our thoughts will actually be leading us to living in our power. I know for a fact that no matter what I would change my life trajectory towards it wouldn’t feel any better because the issue is not external to me, it is my lack of presence and commitment to being in the current moment. To conclude for now, I am promising myself that I will do more each day to be “here, now”. For me this looks like: getting off my phone and leaving it away from me, engaging with more students when I’m supplying, making an effort to socialize more with people I love and staying committed to my yoga practice.  What does it look like for you?

xoxo