Bulimia, Hypothalamic Ammenhorea & Lean PCOS Insights

I got my results from some important health tests last night and I’ve been sitting with my feelings since. I knew what I was expecting to come from these tests, which has definitely made it easier to sit with, however I would be lying if I said I’m not a bit overwhelmed. I also feel a bit of overwhelming calmness simultaneously because I feel like these results are the reassurance I’ve needed that I’ve got more going on than meets the eye and I am fully  committed to following through with what I need to, to heal my body and make it feel safe again. If you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about I’ll explain, here, and a lot more in future blogs as well as my podcast that I will be launching soon (AH, YAY)! If you don’t want to read on you don’t need to, I’ll be talking about all of this as well, I just enjoy writing too because it is a form of expression and release for me. 

If you’ve been following my journey, or have connected with me, you may know about my eating disordered history and how open I am about it because it has helped me tremendously with healing. To be honest, I was a bit naïve then when I wrote about how much I struggled because I felt like I was passed the hardest part of my journey, but really my recovery was just beginning then. When  I wrote that blog post 2.5 years ago I was in a much better place with exercise and food, as I wasn’t abusing intense exercise every single day anymore and binge-eating/purging/abusing laxatives weekly anymore. To give you a short sum up, if you haven't tuned in, for over 5 years I had a very volatile relationship with food + training. I would often exercise 2+  hours a day, try to eat 1000 calories or less a day, binge-eat, use laxatives or purge, and continue these cycles.  They got worse when I was emotionally stressed as I used food to cope too. This isn't to say I didn't have some good times in my life during these years, but there was an underlying dysfunction there that ran my life.

I had about 3 single day random relapses after I posted my first honest recovery blog but pulled myself out of them and kept moving forward in self-love and forgiveness each time, they only lasted about a day. But the entire time after 2017 I was under-eating most days,, and still fearful of a lot of weight gain. I’ve felt safe in a smaller body for so long, and in the pursuit of “health” going 95% vegan & often raw-vegan did not support my body as an active human being. I am not saying vegans can’t be healthy, I’m saying it was hard for me to get the proper amount of calories as well as nutrients in my body to sustain my hormones. I was not stressing about food but I was under-nourished, partly unintentionally and partly probably due to my subconscious fight for control. I probably ate between 1100-1400 most days and this was not enough fuel to sustain my body, I likely need around 1800-2000 calories a day. During these times when I just got more into hot yoga too I felt better being in a smaller body, perhaps a bit influenced by the culture and social media portrayal of what advanced yogis look like. My practice is so much less about how I look now and so much more about how I feel, wow how things change in a short matter of time. When I was under-eating, and under-weight (FOR MY BODY, not on a standard chart), I was cold ALL THE TIME, exhausted even just walking up the stairs and waking up most mornings at 4:30 or 5:00 am feeling completely tired but wired at the same time. This was due to my body waking me up because of stressed out adrenals, and extreme hunger. I also got some cystic breakouts pretty often monthly but not nearly as bad as 5 years ago in the depth of my eating disorder. 

 So moving on, after losing my period for 5+ months, 3 times in a row over the last 3 years, and connecting with doctors, naturopaths and doing hours of my own extensive research I concluded that I likely have HA (Hypothalamic Ammenhorea) as well as a possible overlap with lean PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Hormone imbalances associated with both of these conditions can arise from over-stress (emotional, physical, mental, etc), under-fuelling, over-exercising, environmental toxins and more. There are genetic components as well that come into play. If I do have both, I have to first recover from HA by making my body feel safe enough to start ovulating again, which will re-start my cycle, and then tap into balancing my hormones and improving possible PCOS symptoms that may arise (hormonal acne, etc). There is also a chance though that my androgen imbalances will be corrected with healing my HA because I have connected with other high-level athletes who have recovered from HA and they had similar endocrine (hormone) profiles as me. There is a lot more gaps in research and even more doctors/professionals in the health industry who are just simply not informed on the updated research so I’ve had to advocate for my health and fight for tests/referrals over the last couple of years which has been tiring. I’m finally making some progress and have my first Gyno. Referral within the next couple of months, although I really need an Endocrinologist referral which hasn’t been granted to me yet (hopefully soon).

So what is Hypothalamic Ammenhorea?

“Hypothalamic amenorrhea is a condition in which menstruation stops for several months due to a problem involving the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is in the center of the brain and controls reproduction.” (https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/diagnosing-infertility/infertility-causes/female-infertility-causes/hypothalamic-amenorrhea)

HA is characterized my missing periods and in most cases low LH (Luteinizing hormone) on blood test, which is considered low when it is under 2 IU/L. This hormone surges right before ovulation but when a woman’s body doesn’t feel safe there is no surge and this hormone remains low. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) varies in women with HA, but in more severe cases it’s extremely low as well. Often seen in athletes of low BMI, but HA can occur in women of ANY size, with ANY training background. Actually there are women who have HA who don’t workout at all, but lose their periods because of emotional stress and usually a combination of under-fueling. It’s also much more likely for a woman to have HA if there has been significant weight loss in their history, including any range over 10 lbs. A true pioneer and leader in the field Nicola Rinaldi wrote a book called “No Period Now What” which has been AMAZING on my journey over the last two years. (http://www.noperiodnowwhat.com/) I would highly suggest visiting her website as well as her facebook group for women who have HA because it is a great support system, as well as provides numerous resources. Another important note is that since women with HA are not ovulating, they will likely have multiple follicles on their ovaries which just means that none are reaching ovulation, it does not mean that you can be diagnosed with PCOS. Many women are mis-diagnosed and there needs to be more data collected before proper diagnoses can be made. If you’re an active woman who has increased her exercise, began dieting or eating less (on purpose or not), lost 10+ lbs especially in a short period of time and are missing your period it is much more likely to be Hypothalamic Ammenhorea, not PCOS. HA recovery recommendations are: CUT ALL INTENSE EXERCISE (other than walking/gentle yoga), and eat minimum 2500 calories a day, no food restrictions and lots of rest. No adding in more intense exercise until 3 recovery cycles/months have passed. I am currently working with a health coach, my first appointment is in two days and she specializes in HA as well as PCOS, she also believes you don’t need to entirely cut exercise and I’m excited to have more professional guidance especially related to food and supplements, which I will post about. I have recently cut my intense exercise down in half. I am doing basically no cardio (unless I go up a hill on a bike for a second on my  joyful rides), especially no HIIT. I’m only doing hot yoga 1-2 times a week, lifting weights 1-2 times a week for an hour with many breaks, and sitting down more. I’m also eating any and everything that I feel like, which includes “off limit foods” or foods I’ve deemed “not healthy”.

When I first went to a doctor for help with cystic acne 5 years ago my blood work revealed I had almost non-existent LH and FSH (both below 1), low progesterone, (not sure what my estrogen was at this time because I wasn't well informed on hormonal health) and elevated androgens.  My doctor told me he thought I had Female Athlete Triad from over-training and under-fueling. I dismissed him because I was at my heaviest weight (130 pounds- 10 more pounds than I am now), and was still binging a lot during this time in my life. I did not believe someone in a normal sized body could have Female Athlete Triad. I never got the bone scan he sent me out to get, and I still haven't got one to this day, although I will need to soon. Hormonal imbalances associated with Female Athlete  Triad can lead to bone loss, Osteopenia and Osteoporosis, and at the age of 25 that is something that truly terrifies me.

There is a bit of a blurry line though which is where I am at in understanding my body and my healing right now. Those with PCOS  have elevated androgens on testing, often including: testosterone and DHEA-S, which are both elevated for me. As I started above I’ve connected with many healed athletes who had HA with these androgens elevated as well. They healed from rest and fueling, and their hormones returned to baseline. There is also quite an overlap between the two conditions because when the body is out of wack the metabolism of all the hormones can go in various directions. When stress is elevated, cortisol is released and then DHEA-S often elevates as well as a protective mechanism. Also equally important to symptoms if how we metabolize these hormones, because there is always a safer path-way. As I learn more with my health coach and naturopath, as well as my own healing experience, I will post more!!!

You might be wondering, what is PCOS?

Pcos: “Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition that affects a woman's hormone levels. Women with PCOS produce higher-than-normal amounts of male hormones. This hormone imbalance causes them to skip menstrual periods and makes it harder for them to get pregnant.”

https://thepcosnutritionist.com/. She has many amazing resources and a number of free podcasts to listen to. There are many other great women with voices on this subject + personal experience, including: Dr. Fiona McCulloh from Toronto (https://drfionand.com/blog/).



After doing hours of my own research, and not receiving any formal diagnoses yet from doctors, I believe I have HA for sure, with POSSIBLE lean PCOS based on my lab results and current DUTCH test results. I just paid quite a lot for a detailed hormonal test to provide more insight into what’s going on in my body, through an interactive, full-body lens.Every women needs androgens, including testosterone, but in ideal amounts. Many high level athletes even at the Olympic level have elevated androgens but the research on this isn’t sure if that developed as a result of intense training lifestyles + genetics + etc or if these women would have had the same hormonal profiles had they not pursued intense sport training. PCOS is truly complicated and there are many different root causes of the imbalances, including but not limited to: insulin resistance, environmental toxins, high stress, allergies and more! Each woman is different and treatment is highly variable depending on your root cause, there is no one-size-fits-all approach and unfortunately many conventional doctors don’t know this either. PCOS is stereotypically seen in highly overweight women with insulin resistance, dark hair growth, acne and apple-shaped bodies. But there are MANY women who do not fit this stereotype who have PCOS too, some with insulin resistance who are lean/skinny and some who aren’t even insulin resistant. Also women with PCOS often have elevtated LH to FSH ratio, usually 2-3 times the level but this is not required for diagnosis. My LH was under 0.1 when this began, and my FSH was 1.0 which indicates a more extreme version of HA, although I still cycled at that time and it was likely annovulatory (I got a period but probably wasn’t ovulating). It’s important to work with a functional health coach or specialist in this area because there is a lot of knowledge with this condition alone that is CRUCIAL to know. I recommend Claire because I have followed her own healing journey from PCOS and her website is:

What is A DUTCH test? Dried Urine Test for Comprehensive Hormones* This is an amazing test administered by health specialists to get a really deep insight into sex and adrenal hormones and their metabolites. There is also insight into cortisol patterns, organic acids, 8-OHdG & melatonin. It’s a bit complicated to understand by yourself even with insight from the company so it’s really key to work with a specialist. Any person can benefit from this test especially if they feel like something is off in their body and traditional lab blood tests are coming back normal. I will go through my results in DETAIL on a future blog post to provide some insight into my learning as well as feedback from my health coach which will be coming in two days!! As an introduction though my main findings are that I have: low estrogen, low progesterone, high DHEA-S, high testosterone, normal free cortisol but low metabolized cortisol. The Cortisol results could also indicate a thyroid issue and although I’ve had many of my thyroid hormones tested I haven’t had my reverse T3 tested which would indicate if I have something deeper going on there which could be auto-immune OR could be a result of under-eating for many years and chronic energy deficit. Understanding your health really is a puzzle, our body is one giant complex puzzle trying to maintain homeostasis. I am simply writing my experience with trying to solve this puzzle to hopefully help other women out there who are researching desperately for answers. It took me SO long to find other women who had written about their experience with HA, but also having elevated androgens. There isn’t a lot of literature on that yet and I felt like I didn’t  belong in a category so I didn’t know what I needed to do to heal.  I’m still figuring it out one day at a time, but my research has definitely helped. I look forward to sharing more of my journey on this blog in the future as I continue to live and love myself.

I am NOT CERTIFIED and I am NOT a doctor. This blog is not intended to be substituted for any medical advice it is simply some insight into my journey of healing. I will continue writing about my journey, especially when I want to shrivel up and hide because I know I can help other people. Please don’t hesitate to connect with me, I love meeting new people and we can support each other.

PS. THE MORNING AFTER I WROTE THIS BLOG I GOT MY FIRST LADY FLOW IN 5 MONTHS, WHICH WAS COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED AND EXCITING. I’ve felt some breast tenderness for the last few weeks and my body felt like it was turning things back on, as I kept eating large amounts and resting more. This is just the beginning though of my recovery journey which I need to stay committed to… updates will follow.

MUCH LOVE,
ASH<3

New Insights and Healing

I’ve had some very powerful insights lately on my journey to food freedom and I’m re-inspired to continue to share my truth. I’ve been really in my mind lately, and also in the moment-to-moment of my daily life. But I feel like I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Controlling food has been a coping mechanism for me that started as something that SERVED me. As odd as that is, my need to control and manage my food has been a way of creating an illusion of safety in my life. I no longer need this coping mechanism but I can now understand that my body was doing the best it could with what it had. My E.D began when I was 15, quit the sport I loved so much, was in a very toxic “relationship” and also felt like my voice didn’t matter, it wasn’t heard. I graduated high school and was planning my university career- which was the most overwhelming choice EVER, when I had no idea what was next. My life felt very unpredictable, I felt out of alignment although I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. I couldn’t figure out who I was beyond my sports because my entire identity had been created around being an athlete. I still relate to this label now but from a fresh and grateful lens as I’ve transitioned into other sections of my life. Most importantly I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to love someone who was a sociopath/narcissist, and instead of leaving that shit in the dust I kept clinging to a connection that only sucked the life out of me. My  control of food because a ritual, it provided me comfort, control, and made me feel like I had power- when I was restricting. Then when I was binging it all came crashing down, and thus the cycle began. If I could only restrict better and try harder, everything would be okay. My body would be perfect, my fake relationship would start to be reciprocal, I would figure out my career path and everything would make sense. That would never be the case, but my eating disorder has taught me to dive deep into the hard work of introspection, and to sit with the feelings that are uncomfortable until they pass, which they always do. Although I have come so far, I still have had many “food rules” to follow out of the idea that they’ll “lower inflammation & make me healthier” but I think they are road blocks to my full healing. I’ve given myself FULL PERMISSION FOR FOOD FREEDOM, which means I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I’ve never felt this good.

The next realization I’ve had is that I didn’t have binge-eating-disorder or no control around “off-limits” food. The shame I felt literally felt like I was drowning in it sometimes, especially after eating so much I could throw up. But there is often never a binge without restriction first (in some way or form, i.e: emotional, or physical). I was severely limiting my calories so much as I continued to train at high intensities, and I had so many rules to follow that my body went crazy when given the opportunity to eat. THIS IS EVOLUTION AND THIS IS THE BIOLOGY OF MY BODY TRYING TO KEEP ME ALIVE. My body, and your body, cannot tell the difference between a diet and a famine. That’s right, our bodies don’t know that we just want to lose 10 pounds to have a flatter stomach. Our body thinks there is not food available, so to ensure it’s survival it slows down our metabolism and affects all of our body systems, for example our reproductive system can temporarily shut down. Why would our bodies want to create a safe space for a baby when it doesn’t feel like it has enough food access to be safe as a single human-being? I am going to be writing more about the dangers of dieting soon, stay tuned. The more I learn about the science behind my experience the easier it is for me to extend compassion inwards and forgive myself for all the times I’ve felt shameful, less than enough, and unworthy of life.

I’ve also learned about the connection between my internal feelings and also physical changes in the biology of my body that have perpetuated the cycle of my disorder and I’m fascinated by it. My hormones and my blood sugar regulation has been very affected by my patterns of restricting and binging, I’m still working through the recovery of this balance now (stay tuned for a long post on this topic). Sometimes this overwhelms me because I feel some guilt for what I have put my beautiful body through. But I am also seeing that this is just a beautiful part of my healing journey and my body sends me messages that I need to listen to, to take steps forward. I often haven’t been eating enough, in terms of amounts of varieties of food lately to sustain my body and help me participate in  hot yoga, hockey and weight lifting. Likewise, my hamstring injury took months to even slightly feel better, it’s about 90% now even though I slightly tore it in October. My almost broken or possibly broken toe took 4-5 months as well. I believe these have been physical messages from my body telling me to tune in, to slow down and to R E S T. Which means more than one day of rest, and it’s given me the opportunity to challenge my brain when my body wants 3 days off in a row,  I’m listening now. My body has not been repairing itself because it needs more nourishment and it is telling me to honour stillness, rest, and rejuvenation. I am excited to continue to play with finding this balance in my life. 

The last insight I’ll talk about today is that I have had a very hard time setting boundaries in my life and using my voice to let others know what is okay and what is not okay with me. I believe this started as a child and has just blossomed ever since, to the point where I have believed for much of life that this is just how I am. That is not the case, as human beings we all need to tap into our power and stay true to ourselves especially when we are being manipulated, unappreciated or taken advantage of. I’ve come to see that many previous friendships and relationships were never on an equal level in terms of respect, communication, sacrifice and honesty. I’m learning how to practice standing up for myself, disagreeing politely and saying exactly how I feel even if it makes others uncomfortable. The premise of setting firm boundaries really makes me anxious when I over-think about it but it is the absolute foundation required for healthy relationships for the rest of my life!!

This learning has been a product of my own personal reflection, starting psychotherapy and playing with the discomfort I feel when I have to go against my disordered ways of being. I feel grateful to be alive and actually would not  change a single thing that I have been through because I believe my experience has set me up to help others with their struggle and their healing. I believe I will appreciate the fullness of life now from a new perspective because of what I have experienced and I am so excited to make my mark in the world.

Xoxox

Ashley

Big Toe, Big Message

As I’m sitting down to write this right now I’m actually on the verge of balling my eyes out… like that uncontrollable, messy, releasing everything on my chest type of tears. But I’m at work, and I can’t do that, so hopefully later I can have that type of release in my own space hahah. But no seriously, I had to start writing this entry immediately because I could feel the words rumbling in my belly, and sitting in my heart, with a fierce need to be expressed. Writing is how I express my truth and this is my truth.

I’ve just recently been feeling good about my hamstring healing which has taken over 3 months to improve. I was not able to do my leg weights, touch my toes to put my socks on or flow through every yoga pose in my practice. For a couple weeks at the beginning of my injury I ignored the pain and kept playing hockey 3-4 times a week, until I literally couldn’t move it was so painful. Arguably the injury was actually caused from a tool in therapy after my hamstring was tight, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I know I prolonged my healing and also made it much more painful by trying to push through, and keep going no matter what. That athlete mentality has stuck with me my entire life. My  stubborn way of being is not helping the matter either. So just last week I started dead-lifting lightly again, I also tried to play shinny hockey once and experienced some tightness, but that was it so I was incredibly excited.

The morning after when I was rushing to work as I got called in late, I slipped on ice and fell down the stairs outside my home. Ironically I had stepped out of the front door in my little booties, and thought to myself “oh wow it’s snowing, it could be icy, I’ll be super careful here” while holding my celery juice in my hand and my glass coffee mug in the other. I tripped while I was thinking those thoughts, somehow landed at the bottom of the steps with my foot bent back underneath me, still holding my mug, with some spilled coffee in my hair. I just sat there for a second and thought to myself “UNIVERSE W T F”. Then I got up, picked up my stuff and got in the car to go to work. I knew my foot was a little bit tender, but I actually was able to walk normally throughout the day. That night I went to hot yoga, and pushed myself to do all the regular poses even with a bit of discomfort on the left foot. I woke up the next morning and the internal part of my foot was bruised and throbbing a bit, so I had to limp around. I was fine limping around for a couple of days, still going to yoga and slightly modifying a couple poses so I wasn’t putting pressure on my left foot. I even did a leg weights workout because squats and dead-lifts didn’t cause any pain, I just had to avoid lunges or toe flexion exercises. Then last night at hot yoga in the middle of the balancing series my big toe made a popping noise and started to throb a bit more, but I continued on, as it wasn’t the worst pain I've ever felt.  I got home and realized though that my practice definitely made it worse than the original fall, but it wasn’t the whole internal foot anymore just the big toe. I iced it, worried about it, complained about it, and repeated that cycle for the next few hours before bed. I looked up what it’s called, often referred to as “turf toe” because athletes get it from artificial grass. I put lavender oil on it and taped it just as sports therapists do online, after watching a video and reading the instructions. I fell asleep with it elevated and woke up with less pain, and was off to work (that’s this morning).

I’ve been googling recovery times and treatment protocols, there’s a wide range of possibilities depending on the grade of injury, and I might need to get a foot boot to stabilize it. I’m actually debating doing that because I’m supposed to travel in 4 days and I would really like to be able to move with less pain than I feel right now with my half-ass tape job. As many of you know, I really believe the universe is always sending you messages and if you don’t listen energy will slap you in the face one way or another.  I know I haven’t been listening, I’m trying to listen now. Louise Hay, a well-known spiritual writer and entrepreneur, says that toe injuries are physical manifestations of a needless emotional worry about future details. That resonates with me so much because I probably spend a few hours a day imagining what my future will look like, worrying that I won’t be enjoying what I’m doing and then retreating inward instead of being out there in the beautiful world enjoying right now. I have had an awareness that I do this but I haven’t spent much time trying to show up different, I’ve been stuck in the same pattern, because it's what I know, it's safe.

Anyways, relating this experience back to my intense urge to ball my eyes out right now is because of the fact that I am intensely afraid of resting. I’ve written a lot about my eating disorder and how I used to over-exercise every day to compensate for eating however back then when it was at my worst I was doing hours a day of fitness I didn’t even want to do, after binge eating on thousands of calories, using laxatives and then starving for a day. This was the epitome of my suffering and it went on for years. Although I still struggle with some odd thoughts and worries around food, and even restriction or fear sometimes, I am in a MUCH better place than I was 2-3 years ago. However, as much as I enjoy the physical activity I chose to do on a daily basis now I am still so afraid of being still. Don’t get me wrong, I actually regularly watch my Netflix series, take a day off a week, sit down, etc... way more than I used to. But I don’t like to take more than one day off in a row.  I enjoy going on long walks even in the winter (except when its -30 like the last two days) and going to yoga most days, hockey some days and the gym 1-2 x a week. I don’t force myself to go hard when I don’t want to anymore, but I still have trouble coping with the crippling fear that washes over me when I feel an injury because I do not want to rest. This is an overwhelming feeling that I am choosing to confront right now, sit with and absorb. I’m reminding myself the universe has my back and that I will heal if I give my body what it needs, if I listen, FOR ONCE. I should also listen to my best friend because she tells me the same thing, thanks Melissa.

Anyway, this writer Tabitha Farrar is an eating disorder specialist who recovered from anorexia and strongly believes in the migration theory. “ For those of us with the predisposition for this migration response when we go into energy deficit, we develop an aversion to resting and eating — because both stopping to eat too much and resting are threats to a mammal’s ability to migrate successfully.  Migrating animals don’t stop to eat often, they eat only what they need to in order to keep going. Migrating animals have a strong urge to move. Based on my own experience of anorexia (complusive exercise, and fear of eating more than the minimal amount need to survive) I have developed a biological approach to recovery using theories of mammal migration (Adapt to Flee Famine theory).” I have been reading her blogs a lot lately and everything she speaks about experiencing in regards to intense urges to move resonate so much with me. I actually wrote a  blog related to her theories right before I injured my toe but it didn’t feel authentic enough so I didn’t post it. Then this feeling came over me this morning and I knew it was time to write. This is another example of how illogical thoughts are so easily accepted and acted upon because they are how I have always been and they make me feel safe. Other people and athletes who get injured know they need to recover so they can perform again, so they rest and although they may feel antsy to move or impatient it’s not a feeling of a 10 thousand pound weight of anxiety on their chest when they think about what resting will feel like. These illogical thoughts also relate to obsessive compulsive tendencies that people with eating disorders may embody, such as hoarding food or safe foods, having odd food rules about eating timing, rituals surrounding food choices, hoarding other items (random items like grocery bags, soap, etc), which Tabitha writes a lot about. She also writes blogs about how low level movement urges such as walking, obsessively cleaning, and more are all related to this biological process from our evolution to keep moving, and keep migrating to survive. Not all of those tendencies relate to my personal experience, but some do and I find the connections very fascinating to reflect on. Likewise restrictive ways of thinking relate to scarcity mindset and that affects more than just limiting food intake. It changes entire personalities and relates to limiting pleasure in all forms, limiting spending, social interaction, new experiences, etc. This couldn’t be more than true and I will write about my experiences changes in a future blog.

 I find that saying my irrational thoughts out-loud as if I was telling them to a friend helps me recognize how harmful they are when I accept them as truth and act upon them. An example of some thoughts I verbalize to help me challenge them are:

“I already ate carbs earlier I can’t eat any more now.”

“I just ate an hour and a half ago I need to ignore my hunger cues for a couple more hours.”

“I didn’t exercise today so I can’t eat as much during this meal.”

“If I rest I won’t burn enough calories so I need to push through this injury.”

“When I feel full I feel fat so I don’t want to feel that sensation.”

These are just some examples that resonate with me now or have in my past as I’ve been working towards recovery. I enjoy providing some insight into my mind’s dialogue, whether  you’re someone reading who’s struggled with eating or someone who cannot relate at all. Eating disorders have strong routes in genetics, and then it is ultimately environmental factors that determine whether someone will develop one. They may not make sense to many but they are not a choice. Although choosing to recover and commit to that process, is indeed a choice. Obviously the irrational thought that is smacking me in the fact right now is regarding rest and confronting my intense need to keep moving on a daily basis. I don’t think there is anything wrong with loving to move but I think there is something wrong with my inability to remain calm and rest when I am hurt. I am probably going to go to a doctor today to determine if I should wear a boot to immobilize my toe or another shoe insole to assist healing. I travel in 4 days and its unlikely my toe will be fully healed by then but I am willing to do no physical activity until I leave, and longer, simply because I am tired of limiting my own healing by living out my irrational thoughts. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’ve been  doing the same thing for years and this is my chance to consciously choose to respond differently.

Xox

Ash

New Years: The Date is Arbitrary

It’s funny, the hype around the new year. The planning, preparing, anticipating that comes right before this transition can obviously be attributed to the opportunity for a fresh start, a blank slate for us to create our lives in a way that resonates with us. But when you get down to the nitty gritty, December 31^st at midnight is just another time, on another day, not different from every other day. I’m not writing this from a place of disregard for the excitement the new year brings, I’m writing from a place of reflection because I know that I too have been mindlessly motivated by the date changing, only to remain stagnant after some time passes.

The preoccupation with goal setting and new years resolutions is one of the most perfect examples of how we as human beings are so focused on the future that we entirely miss out on the present, we don’t even see the potential of RIGHT NOW. It’s almost as if from the day after boxing day until the new year, those days become a write-off, they don’t even exist because we’re just waiting for the completion of this year to take place, so we can be who we want to be at the start of 2019. If that is the mentality we continue to subscribe to, our hopes and plans for each coming year will never survive past a month or two at maximum, because they are not planted from a place of passion. Rather they are hoped for from a place of anticipated pleasure, and a fear of living a life unchanged. Because let’s be honest, the changes we imagine in our mind are based on our desire to feel specific feelings, not about any physical changes or material gains. Whether we hope to buy a new fancy car, or lose 20 pounds, we are fantasizing about how we will feel once this possibly becomes our reality, and that is our underlying motivational factor. If we are not conscious of the fact that how we are living right now is based on our choices, our presence and our commitment to growth, or lack thereof, we will live off of a short high of anticipation into the new year, which will slowly die back down into our old habits and ways of being, because comfort zone are easier to sustain. This is the ultimate truth behind all the new years resolution weight loss jokes or the statistics that show most of us give up by part-way through February, because their hopes and dreams created in their mind were not grounded in an analysis of self, and how we currently show up in our lives as free agents.

Instead of waiting for an arbitrary date, what we can we do today, and every single day when we wake up that aligns with how we want to feel in this world. How can we commit to showing up for the people we love? What can we promise yourself ourselves we will prioritize in relation to our self-love? What habits can we start developing in our lives on any given day that will bring us closer to the life we are seeking? It doesn’t matter if it’s July 10^th, October 20^th, or December 31^st, we have the agency to decide that how we are currently showing up in our lives is not in alignment with our deepest being, and CHOOSE to show up differently. This opportunity can be scary though- it requires work. The frightening, deep, conscious work that demands us to look at our lives through an honest lens to reflect on where we are in our own way. This might manifest in our lives as clinging to expired relationships that are no longer healthy for us, or maybe it manifests in other forms of self-sabotage such as addiction or cheating. Every experience of our entire lives has layered upon the previous ones to create who we seem to be today and how we view the world, our circumstances and our opportunities. If we mess up one day, or two days, or 20 days, we can always choose to begin again tomorrow, because the date does not matter, only our whole-hearted intention does. This may sound like a fantasy blog, like “oh yeah that sounds nice but how can I actually show up like that?”. Well, we choose to, again and again, failure after failure, until it becomes how we show up automatically. We carve out the time to self-reflect, to journal, to focus on manifesting what we want to create in our lives and we also focus on being honest about some of the reasons why what we think we are seeking is not showing up for us. The law of attraction is not only about imagining what we want, because almost immediately after we imagine these things we remember that we do not currently have them. So although we may believe your energy is directed towards attracting what we desire, the energy we are putting out there comes from a place of lack-of, fear and that is the opposite of what you are seeking. Commitment to leveling up takes patience, time and often painful awakenings but once we see this life for what it is we simply cannot accept complacency anymore.

So I invite you as we enter a new year to get really clear and specific about what you want to create, but from a place of self-reflection and honesty. I invite you to keep choosing every morning when you wake up to show up how you want to show up, even after the first few months of 2019 have passed. Like the title says, the date as arbitrary. Your blank slate begins any moment you decide it does, how will you create your life?

Being Here Now

Somewhere along the way of my daily living, right now, I am in a new space of thinking. I wish I knew how I got here, so I could teleport back here again when my thinking shifts back to a place of anxiety, fear and worry- which will come. I know this will come because life is an eb and flow, moving into new ways of being and then shrinking back into old ways sometimes too. The only thing that really matters is that we practice recognizing when the way we are thinking is limiting our present moment happiness, and choose to do the work to re-frame our internal voice. Right now I am only thinking about what is going to make me happy today, I am not thinking about what could go wrong 5 years from now. I mean sure sometimes those thoughts pop into my mind and I catch myself almost instantly and chuckle a little because who has time to worry about then when all we really have is right now? Literally, we only have now. Later will be what we have later, so we  can deal with it then, however it may turn out.

I am no longer fearing that teaching is not a career for me because maybe I’ll get sick of It in 20 years. I am reminding myself that I enjoyed my yoga camp, that I have so much to teach in the education system and it begins with love of self that our youth are missing. They  aren’t taught this. I will teach it, no matter what age group I end up teaching. I am no longer concerned about my romantic relationships, my future or how it will end up. I am simply living today and doing what makes me happy, I am hopeful that tomorrow will come and if I continue to seek what lights up my heart, then tomorrow will turn out how it is meant to be.

I wrote the above paragraphs a couple months ago when I felt very aligned, connected and present. Not every day is this cheerful though. Some days I feel like I’m drowning in the thoughts of my mind, the what ifs, the questions. It feels like a blessing and a curse all at once to have an over-active mind that questions every possibility, about my life and the walls I’ve built around myself to stay safe in my comfort zone. It is very powerful to have insight into the ways which I try to protect myself- from  a fear rejection, not belonging, ridicule, etc. But at times it can also feel isolating because this insight doesn’t automatically provide us with the tools to change the dynamics of our existence. Thus we may feel perpetually stuck at a road-block, with a heightened awareness yet no idea how to trek onward or progress. I saw a quote the other day that went like this:

 

“I tend toward dramatic thinking. When I have a problem, or when I  feel icky, I tend to think the solution is: I have to move and I need a new family, and a new religion and a new house. I need to s tart all over, everything Is terrible. But what I usually need is, like, a glass of water.” – Glennon Doyle

This quote hits home for me because when I feel complacency creeping in my first reaction is to try to change something about my direction in life. Usually it’s career related or living in Canada related. I start to obsess about finding my calling which I convince myself is not teaching in the education system and have a mental dialogue with myself about how I am so off track right now. If I’m able to really get present though and sit with myself the awareness arises that when I am in that state of mind I am not being all I can be in my present life, in my current job and on a daily basis. What needs fixing is nothing external to me. Actually nothing needs fixing at all, I am perfect as I am, I am just not present or engaged in my life as it is, right now. I am romanticizing in my mind some other version of my life, that must be better, must be more fulfilling. It would solve all my overthinking battles, right?  So what do I do next? If I am not sitting with myself and acknowledging this truth, I am then obsessing over researching other career options for instance, imagining how this route would change the dynamic of my life and everything would be perfect. The power is in the recognition of these responses though. Now that I know this I can acknowledge that it is a response to idly drifting in my life and I can ask myself “how can I get more present?” It actually isn’t even an option, it is a must because if ignored this state of being will cause physical sickness, emotional anxiety and other forms of physical manifestation.

Last night I wasn’t even planning to get to yoga because I had hockey. I have been on the ice a lot more recently, and love it. But this also translates to me moving a bit faster throughout my days and less connected to my breath because it is a different form of movement. It is intense, competitive, and distracting. Whereas my yoga practice can get intense to, but it is soothing and connecting in nature. I need the balance, or else I am an overflowing vase of YANG with no yin and feelings of being out of control consume me. My mind and body was literally screaming at me last night “YOU NEED TO BREATHE TODAY. GET TO YOGA. NOT BY YOURSELF. GO TO YOGA CLASS” and instead of questioning the urge I just packed up all my things and rushed to get to class before my hockey. My mind and body let me know what I need especially when I don’t waste time trying to ignore the messages that feel right as they pass through me. Your being knows what you need too,  so start tuning in. This listening is the best gift there is, and it is always available to you, you just have to choose it.

The same thing is true about when you start to try to change external circumstances of your life because you imagine a different reality being better than the one you are living right now. Your inner truth behind those thoughts is available for you to tap in to but you have to trust yourself and give yourself the space to feel ALL the feelings. Yes ALL of them. Not only the lovely, happy, warm feelings. But the fear, the worry, the guilt and the pain too. This is not to say that you shouldn’t change your career path if you feel a calling in another direction it is just a reminder that not all of our thoughts will actually be leading us to living in our power. I know for a fact that no matter what I would change my life trajectory towards it wouldn’t feel any better because the issue is not external to me, it is my lack of presence and commitment to being in the current moment. To conclude for now, I am promising myself that I will do more each day to be “here, now”. For me this looks like: getting off my phone and leaving it away from me, engaging with more students when I’m supplying, making an effort to socialize more with people I love and staying committed to my yoga practice.  What does it look like for you?

xoxo

Grounding Myself

There’s something funny about becoming more conscious, more aware of how  connected you are to everything around you, and everything in the entire world for that matter. A few months ago I felt entirely  connected to my spiritual side, my belonging to a universal energy that we all belong to and we can all become aware of if we spend the time opening our eyes. I did however during those times, disconnect myself a lot physically from others. I believe it was necessary to propel me into my healing but I also am aware of how it is not a sustainable way of being if I want to live outside of my comfort zone and create my reality. 

 My entire life before this opening for me has been spent very disconnected, unconscious and more often distracted. It wasn’t bad though, it was just what was meant for me at that time during those years. I didn’t have so much extra time to spend contemplating my beliefs about existence, although I do recall I did the odd time, so maybe it was more so that I didn’t have the tools to start to confidently  believe what I do now. Either way, lately sometimes I find myself wishing I could dive back into that unawareness that I used to live in before everything opened up for me, maybe because it was easier. It was easier to remain unaccountable to my actions and choices, put blame on the external world for how I was experiencing my reality and be caught up in never-ending drama triangles, materialism and superficial pursuits. Now it is not possible for me to go back to place like this, however I do find myself trying to with my avoidance of meditation, tuning inwards and also lack of mindful presence in everything that I am doing. It is a double edge sword, because it is a beautiful thing to be aware that I am feeling very ungrounded in things I am doing most often lately because it offers me the opportunity to address the cause and work through it. However this awareness also feels like a burden sometimes, I wish it was a physical thought  bubble or weight I could choose to throw over my shoulder until I felt like turning around to pick it up. I wish I could continue to mindlessly engage in sport everyday to force myself to  be present to perform, to create a schedule so busy that there isn’t so much time for me to ponder how I can positively impact this world more and how I can connect with more people who are in alignment with me. I wish it was that simple, but then I have this internal dialogue about why would I wish for such a thing as being unconscious and disconnected when for as long as I can remember all I wanted to feel was safe and present in my every day existence and the creation of my life. 

The ironic thing is I think I realize that maybe I am feeling so ungrounded lately because I am trying to force this spiritual connected side of me into hiding, but this is the foundation of who I really am as a person. Perhaps I feel unsafe because I am denying my inner self the right to shine and the right to be big, bold and verbal in life. I am too caught up in the: What if I can’t find more people who are open to this life investment in self-inquiry and connectedness? What if everybody just thinks I’m weird? The work, the self-inquiry, the nitty gritty process of learning how to unlearn everything I have absorbed into my consciousness that is of no use to me is hard, and it doesn’t go away, there is no ending to this work. I understand I’ll go through seasons, some will be more introspective and connected in nature, while others will not be, and that is okay. But I have the opportunity to choose what I focus on, to recognize I am not in balance and bring myself back to it with choices of where I direct my focus and energy.

 I think this is a self-reminder more than anything that judging myself harshly for the season I am in lately does no good, it only creates tension on a spiritual level but also a physical level in my body. I was shuffling my Tarot cards deck last night when I asked the typical question I ask “Universe what message do you have for me today?” and as I was shuffling I opened the deck and saw one card. At the end when I picked a card out randomly it ended up being the same card I had originally seen and I laughed because I know it is divine timing message. The card described how in order to heal relationships with others I need to tune in to my relationship with myself. That self-judging and being harsh internally or creating stories about my lack of growth does nothing but disconnect me more. It is so true I have not been cultivating a thought process of self-love lately, of patience for my physical body, connectedness in life and the thoughts I continue to spend time giving attention to. But it’s not about looking at this truth from a place of judgement again because then it’s as if I’m only digging myself into a deeper hole, the negative feedback loop is strong if you feed it and give it more power to control your conscious ways of thinking. I think for now I need to focus on: complete presence and immersion in what I am doing in the moment, allowing myself time to just “be” without actually doing and re-framing my thoughts about balance in physical busy-ness, connectedness with others and also carving out the time I crave each day to meditate, read, do my tarot work and write. The mantras I am bringing into my self-talk are: I am safe. I am grounded. I am healing as I am deeply rooted to existence yet free to float where I choose to.

Stepping into my Power

This past weekend I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training with Power Yoga Canada, the place where I fell In love with yoga, through the practice that has helped me begin learning how to love myself. I’ve been in the “almost” phase twice before, I backed out of the training, because of all these stories I told myself in my head. “I’m not ready yet. I’m not good enough to be a yoga teacher. I’ll never hold space in the room for other yogis like the teachers have for me. It’s too much money. People in my life are questioning why I’m doing it.” So I let those stories run me, I let them overpower the feeling in the pit of my belly that this training, this place, is where I am meant to be. But not this time. I actually almost backed out the week before. I started making excuses to convince myself. But I ultimately decided to just show up on day one, and boy am I glad I did.

I have never felt more connected or more safe than I have felt after two days in a room with 35 strangers. I had previously heard a bit about how the training makes you all best friends but that idea didn’t resonate with me until I was part-way through day one, sitting in my chair  thinking “wow I’ve never said that out-loud and now I just raised my  hand, stood up, made eye contact, and said it.” There’s a thread of intimacy that is undeniable in vulnerable sharing, maybe we all avoid it quite often in our day to day lives out of fear. I know I did. I know I still often do. I anticipated going right into anatomy for yoga, the history of yoga, and being responsible for understanding/memorizing it all. I know we are going to learn that, but that is not at all how the program started. We started with two full days, 9 am- 8pm of self-inquiry. We began with a power-point, sitting in chairs, learning about ourselves and having the opportunity, if we chose to, to share what was coming up for us by standing up, facing our new friends and speaking our truth. One of my main goals for this training was to speak out even if my words didn’t flow how I imagined they would from my head, I was going to do it anyways. I’m proud of myself because I did about a handful of times over the two days. I’m proud of everyone who was with me too.

Each night when I left the training I was surprised because I was ready to turn inwards to reflect but I was not physically exhausted at all. I felt a bit tired due to  the depth of the topics we were exploring but I felt awakened, inspired and actually ready to tackle anything that  came my way, including my own self-limiting beliefs which I’ve written about a little on my blog previously. I found it particularly hard to explain to my family and close friends though because I didn’t know how to put the feelings into words, or how to  describe how I felt more connected to this group of people who I had just met than many people I have been around for years. I didn’t know how to explain how I am moving into a fresh perspective of myself, without wondering if they would think I’m crazy. Then I realized I really don’t care if they do anyways because I know I’m just waking up.

I’ve written before about how the voice of fear/doubt can be a regular intruder in your mind, so much so that you mistake that voice for you and you believe it  every time it tells you that you cannot achieve something, that something is available for others but not for you, that you need to stop day-dreaming because it’s not going to happen. But in the past couple months I realize that I’ve been living in a state of anxiety and feeling like I have no control because I have let fear consume my thoughts and I have been stagnant in my growth on a spiritual level. I have been worrying about the future, feeling inadequate, wondering how I’ll ever have a job that truly resonates with me, feeling forced to fit into society’s expectations which feels suffocating at most times. This past weekend opened up this portal inside me that I was scared to allow because I didn’t want be overwhelmed, but I feel ready now. I also realized something new about the voice of doubt that can run my life too. Fear does not only show up in obvious ways, through various statements beginning with “I can’t do this.” Or “I am not worth it.” Fear also shows up as deeply imbedded understandings of who I am as a person, that defines my identity and thus shapes the reality I create for myself every day. In other words, fear shows up like little puzzle pieces, inter-woven into the deepest part of my understanding of who I am, how I relate to others and how I navigate every day life. For instance, I identity heavily with my introvertive essence, my desire to be alone to reflect and often isolate myself. But my understanding of being an introvert limits me, and shows up as a voice of fear because when I am feeling social, or feeling like I need connection with others, the self-talk that comes up tells me that I know I enjoy turning inward so I should stop earning for connection because I won’t enjoy socializing anyways. So this story that I tell myself that I am more  happy when I am alone, limits me from new opportunities to enjoy public socializing, to meet new people, and to find a balance between group socializing and personal introversion. How ironic that the qualities I have come to claim as who I am also hold me back.

Another theme that I have based my identity on is the fact that  “I am non-confrontational so when someone does something to me or others I disagree with,  I just need to sit back, shut up and see how it plays out without hurting anyone’s feelings too much.” This belief is so deeply embedded in who I believe I am and who I ought to be that I realize I remind myself of it constantly. When I feel violated or seriously hurt by someone close to me, I replay the scenario multiple times in my head, make excuses for them, recite what I wish I could say to them and then if I say anything at all it ends up being probably the exact opposite of what I need to get off my chest. Then that energy festers, it weighs me down, it makes me feel heavy and tired. But I never say it, because that is not who I have accepted I am, so I live in the box with this non-confrontational identity I have created for myself.

Furthermore, I also have gotten so comfortable with reminding myself that “I am independent and I’ve been hurt previously when I give my love to someone else so I’m better off alone” that I block my own opportunities for intimacy on a romantic level, out of comfort with complacency. Then I put the blame outside of me, when my mind wanders over the what ifs and why haven’t I questions about dating and love. I’ve accepted independence as one of my natural traits, as a building back of my identity, so I am often blocking my own opportunities to find love.              

There is so much self-reflection going on right now for me but I couldn’t be more open to what I can learn from it. I am finding it hard to insert myself back in my daily routine, going around places in reality and wishing I could connect everyone, even random strangers to this type of self-reflection. I know that all I have control over though is doing my own work. Over the weekend we also dove into “rackets”, which are stories or fronts we tell ourselves about people in our lives that define how we view them in every circumstance. So basically we have accepted a judgement we have made about each person in our lives as “who they are with a specific story-line” and it shapes everything as we move forward with them because it is the under-pinning of our limited understanding of them. We run rackets on everyone, and it affects us because we can explode out sideways, for example at our best-friend because they never pick up the phone when you need them, because you have subconsciously pre-judged and determined before-hand that they are selfish, self-absorbed, etc. These rackets are what cause us to explode on people who matter to us over something so small, because we are really releasing a whole load of energy that has built up around our overall judgement of their personality. We are unable to see their side, to appreciate their story and their interpretation because we are blinded by our need to be right. Rackets are what keep us from connecting to the ones we love, and instead of making up over a fight we would rather be stuck in our own rightness so we don’t even talk to the our loved ones, sometimes for years when there’s family drama as an example. I know I am an empath, so I consider myself relatively good at seeing other people’s side of the story. But I am now opening up to the possibility, which is the reality, that I clearly run rackets on every person that matters to me in my life and although they rarely cause complete physical separation they insert  emotional blocks that prevent me from intimacy with them. An overall judgement I carry inside of each person that matters to me will undeniably contribute to our conversations, our conflict and our opportunity to connect.

I think I could keep writing quite a bit longer but I will finish here. I invite any and everyone who is reading this to take the time to reflect on how your judgements of those in your life affect how you treat them on a daily basis. What can you do differently so that you can have intimacy with those who matter to you? What  can you let go of? Can you stop needing to be right all the time? I am going to practice this, starting with bringing awareness to every connection I have. Likewise, can you think about what boxes you have put yourself in that define your identity? I know for a fact that these boxes serve you in some areas of  your life, but can you take some time to think about how they limit you? For example, can you not make this decision because you are indecisive, or is it because you have accepted that indecisiveness defines you, and thus that’s the story that runs through your head whenever it is time to make an important decision. So instead of focusing truly on the situation at hand, you are running play by plays in your head of the previous times you’ve been indecisive. Because that’s who you are right? Or is that just who you’ve convinced yourself  you are? The same boxes that you think free you and define you hold you back from stepping out of your comfort zone, which can be a scary place, but I encourage you to jump there with a whole lot of faith, I promise I am trying to do the same.