It’s taken me a little while to admit the truth to myself
again, thus it has also taken me a
little while to find the courage to
write this post. Epiphanies come to us at various times in our lives, related
to any area of our self-growth, but sometimes embracing the lesson and being
open to it’s implications is hard. Mental Health awareness is growing, thankfully, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. Likewise, disorders such as eating disorders and addictions tend to be lifelong challenges. They aren't like the flu, that can be debilitating but then you overcome it. They are nagging, long-term and with you constantly even after you have entered recovery phases, which generally look like a yo-yo. The medical system still has so many flaws in terms of helping individuals with eating disorders as well. For instance, in my circumstances I started a journey of personal healing on my own, without seeking professional help because inpatient programs are only for those who are literally close to death in severity of eating disorders like anorexia. There is a different kind of stigma associated with ED-NOS (not otherwise specified) and combination ED's like bulimia and binge-eating, that I would classify mine as. I decided a few months ago to ask for some professional psychologist support through my doctor's office and I was given a referral to a psychologist via fax that I was waiting for a reply from. The first problem was that I didn't get a reply for over a month. But the real problem was that they demanded I take a specific blood test before they would even consider making one appointment with me, which was to test for certain markers that signal bodily disruption. I failed that blood test, my results weren't horrible enough for me to deserve some help. In other words, I was not deemed physically sick enough to qualify for professional help for my eating disorder. This type of denial is seriously fucked up. I'm pretty sure the medical system wouldn't deny someone their right for support in the early stages of diabetes... "Sorry ma'am you're not dying from diabetes yet so you'll have to wait until you are." PFFFF ya right. I hope now that I'm graduated from University I can somehow contribute to improvements in the field because this type of system is just unacceptable. Everyone deserves support, whether it is for a physical or mental illness. If someone is reaching out for help it is because they need it, and turning them away is really just a punch in the face. Thank god for the support I have from my family and close friends, as well as my interest in reading and self-growth that has empowered me to continue on my healing journey independently. I am likely going to pay anyways for some professional or group support because there is no harm in creating a community around you to help you.
As I’ve finally come out publicly with my
blog entry about years of struggling with an eating disorder, this new chapter
in my life has brought on novel challenges that I cope with and am learning to
overcome. It is a wonderful chapter, sometimes a challenge, but there is always
beauty in the struggle. I felt a huge release and weight lifted off my
shoulders when I wrote the entry about learning to live in self-love and vowing
to quit the unhealthy routine my body had become so used to- limiting calories,
binging, over-exercising. Basically I was living in a very unconnected state to
my body and her needs. Right now marks
about 4 months of a transitional period where I have drastically changed my routine and took a break from the
gym lifestyle that I had become so accustomed to. I finally reached a place
where I haven’t been concerned about how many calories I burn a day. I stopped
feeling guilty for not exercising on a daily basis. I only did about 3 minor
easy workouts over the course of this time, because I felt like it, and enjoyed
it. I started to fuel my body with whole foods, and incorporated a lot more
fruit in my diet to help myself get over the false idea that sugar is fruit, so
therefore fruit should be limited. During this time period I have felt
relatively good and have had a lot of time to self-reflect. I did start to
attend hot yoga 4-6 x a week, which is a great combination of physicality and
meditation which has transformed my personal ability to retreat inwards during
episodes of acute anxiety and find peace through breathing. I did however
realize in the last two weeks as I traveled and broke free from that routine
that I had started to use yoga as another form of exercise control. I would
sometimes attend a hot class when I felt dehydrated and exhausted, ignoring my
body’s signals for rest. I know I have an addictive personality and that when I
enjoy something so much sometimes I let it take over, but I’m grateful that I
can at least identify when this happens and come up with a plan to find more balance.
Over this 2 month time period of basically
no intense exercise (no weights, no cardio, no gym) I have lost quite a bit of
weight, but it was unintentional,at least I thought. My focus wasn't the number on the scale. At my heaviest about a year ago I was 130
pounds, but this was in the height of my binging and starving patterns. A few
months ago I was around 118 pounds and comfortable as I moved into this chapter
of self-love. Friends and basically everyone I have run into lately have made
comments about how I’m super lean, really tiny, lost a lot of weight, etc. Some
say it in a positive way, like a compliment. Others say it in a concerned way.
Others say it and then tell me I need to gain some weight back and that I look
better thick-muscular. I’ve learned to block out other’s comments as much as a
I can, mostly because they’re triggers, even though I know others don’t mean
them to be. My conscious goal with moving into this recovery chapter of my life
was not to lose pounds or be skinny, but I realize with some self-reflection
now that I will likely always have to hear the little voice in my head that
reminds me how afraid I am to be fat. Thus, subconsciously I have been limiting
my intake of foods that I fear are very calorie dense especially since I am less
active. This chapter has been so so soooo beautiful, I have learned so much
about myself and I am in a much better place than I have ever been in terms of
connectedness to my body, but I am still allowing this little internal voice to
boss me around. It says things like: “don’t eat it’s 10 pm and you’re just
watching movies aka being inactive.” Or “you
don’t need those potatoes or rice, just have spinach because you don’t do
cardio anymore.” Or “you can’t eat dessert because those are unhealthy sugars
and you’re not burning enough calories anymore to have leeway in your eating.”
I think the hardest part about this voice is that you think it is YOURSELF
talking. I think it is I, Ashley, reminding me of my body’s needs and thus is
positive by nature. But this voice is not Ashley at all. This voice is an
intruder that we will call ED for now to conceptualize it. ED invades my
consciousness and tries to have ultimate control. Sometimes ED wins the battle,
but I promise she will never win the war. I will always fight back. As I started
to identify this voice and admit that it
is not a part of who I am and it does not have good intentions, ED just changed
how she was delivering her messages to me. This voice (we all have a voice) disguised herself, which she is very good at, so that I would continue to listen to her
and accept her intentions were my own intentions. When you, or I in this case,
accept this voice as a part of me, she is winning at this game of deception and
doing so in a very sneaky way.
I started to research healthy eating because of
my interests, and also veganism because my sister has transitioned based on
environmental sustainability, animal rights and personal health. I became
intrigued by the research on the meat + dairy industry, but my reasons were
directly connected to personal health. My interest started because of some
stomach issues lately that I am trying to determine the cause of, and also skin
care because I sometimes struggle with periods of bad breakouts. About a year
ago I limited my dairy intake, cut cow milk, cheese and yogurt from my diet
completely except when I ate pizza the odd time. In the last few months I completely
cut out dairy in all forms, including chocolate and desserts. The past 3 weeks
I also cut out eggs and meat. Then about 2 weeks ago I cut out fish too. I was
convincing myself that I was making the right choices out of self-love, and
connectedness to our beautiful planet Earth. Little did I know that this belief
was just ED using her deception to have some new control over me, because her
old ways of communicating were now recognizable by my consciousness. She needed
to change her form to have an impact on me, thus she did. She was winning the
battle again for a bit, just in a different way, she’s good at that. That is
not what matters though in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that although
she had some control for a period of time I still have an ability to retreat
inwards and identify when she is pretending to be “me”, and then practice ignoring
her new form.
Furthermore, the new form of ED was telling me in subtle ways to eat mainly
fruits and veggies because that’s the only way to achieve optimal health. I
didn’t realize it on a day by day basis but I have basically been restricting
myself again and convincing myself it is what I need to do. So this time around
ED feels less related to my desire to hit a certain weight on the scale and
more about me having some form of control. Although on a mental health level I
have never been more comfortable with myself and spiritually in tune I have
still not been living free like I aspire to, like I believe we all deserve to.
I have slightly noticed that I’ve been losing weight, but it wasn’t until I got
back from the Dominican was getting ready attend a wedding in B.C this week
that I weighed myself and realized ‘HOLY SHIT I’M 104 POUNDS AND ¾ OF MY
CLOTHES DON’T FIT ME AT ALL RIGHT NOW.’ When I realized I weighed that much I
made a mental goal to gain about 8-10 pounds back in a healthy way, but also
convinced myself that maybe my body is just finding a healthy medium where I am
supposed to be. Right? Maybe I’m meant to be this tiny, look at my genetics. My
mom is tiny, my nana is tiny. Yes those are both true, but deep down I know the
weight I am at right now is not my healthy balanced point. I know this is because
I have been listening to ED when she tries to run my nutrition, limits me,
enforces rules to follow and demands consistency. I know this because it is not
healthy to lose 14 pounds in a 4 week period. I know this because when your
menstrual cycle stops, there is an underlying dysfunction causing this. Me convincing
myself I’m meant to be THIS tiny was just denial to be completely honest. I
have been in denial that my ED is trying to run my life again and that she has
been winning.
Since going partially and then attempting full on veganism,
limiting complex carbs and not enjoying any desserts I like I have actually been
physically exhausted. I went on a hike last week during a trip and was out of
breath walking up a hill. My legs felt like dead weight and I was trying to
drag them with each step. I realize I have just done a 360 from over-exercising
and binging, to living pretty sedentary and limiting eating. Same ED, different boundaries. Neither are
healthy, although mentally I have felt healthier in this phase they are both
forms of internal imprisonment and I am ready to win this current battle with
ED. Last night I decided “fuck this shit,” literally. I had a Mars chocolate
bar, some dark chocolate bark with milk chips, and I don’t even remember what
else I had. At first afterwards I felt extremely guilty, especially since I did
over-eat a bit and was pretty full. But then I felt so happy and I still
feel happy now. This wasn’t a binge, this wasn’t an out of control experience
where I couldn’t stop eating. This was a CHOICE to eat what I was craving, to
enjoy the sweet smooth taste of chocolate and defy ED’s newfound control over
me. This was a night of freedom. Today I have no desire to eat anything sweet,
I’m sweetened out LOL, and that’s cool, I’ll eat what I feel like today,
guilt-free. I have a bit of a sugar hangover aka headache hahah probably
because I have lived with such restriction in the past 1-2 months, but that is
what I need right now. That is what is meant for me and that is okay. I feel
like this blog could never end because I get in such a flow with writing right
after I have a drastic peak in personal awareness. Ditching the diet mentality
really needs to be how we live by because then we will start to fuel our body
with exactly what it needs to be full, energized and content. There is so much
conflicting evidence out there about veganism, paleo, high-carb, low-fat, etc
typ of diets. The problem is they are all based on: eat this, but
don’t eat that. THAT IS THE MOST TRIGGERING MENTALITY, ESPECIALLY FOR
SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH EATING DISORDER TENDENCIES. I am done with all of
those. Moving forward I am making three promises to myself and I am writing
them in a positive form: 1. I promise to eat what I feel that I want no matter
what the nutrition information says on it. 2. I promise that I will only move
my body in ways that I love, out of sheer enjoyment. 3. I will prioritize
achieving a healthy weight and maintaining it but I know I will achieve this in
divine timing.
I’m writing about my experience with my inner demons, the
voices that come that are not mine and that I must practice ignoring. I do this
for my own personal growth, my own release that I feel through writing. But I
also do it for you, anyone reading this. We all have voices that invade our
thoughts and try to tell us how to live our lives. Yours may have nothing to do
with eating or exercise. Yours may sound like: “You can’t quit that 9 to 5 you’ll
never make enough money to live if you do.” Or “you’re not good enough for her
to take you seriously don’t even bother trying to get her attention.” Or maybe “You’re
not good at art, why would you try taking a painting class?” My point is, no
matter what area of your life you’re thinking about there will a voice in your
consciousness that is not yours. Start by giving this intruder a name, it makes
it easier to differentiate between it and your true self. Only then will you
begin to differentiate between the words of truth and those of deception, this
is the first step to gaining back your peace of mind. The more you can step
back and recognize the thoughts that go through your mind, the more you can
learn to detach from the self-limiting ones and zone in on the ones that are
peaceful, progressive and positive in nature. There is no finish line to cross
here though, this is an ongoing act that you will engage in your entire life.
You may become better at blocking out the self-limiting beliefs immediately
because you can recognize them faster,
but you will not always live in a state of consciousness entirely free
from these intruders. But that in of itself is beautiful, because you are choosing
self-love over self-pity or pain when you practice identifying this differentiation. You
are choosing to fight for a peaceful connection in your existence and I think
that fight is way more amazing than being handed this type of peace on a
platter. Like all things, when you work for it and succeed there is no better
feeling. So to anyone and everyone reading this, please don’t let intruder
thoughts misdirect you in your life, ever. But when they do and you realize this, take back control because it is yours to take. You are capable, beautiful
and most importantly WORTH IT so make sure that the voice inside that confirms
these truths drowns out all the voices that are preventing you from expanding
infinitely. Like always please don’t be afraid to reach out to me, about anything. Sending
peace and love,
Ash.
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