I waited so long to write this entry because I didn’t know
what to start with. Actually I didn’t know what to really write about at all. I
still don’t know. I can’t figure out how to put the feelings into words, I
don’t think the words will give the pain it’s true justice. My fingers are just
typing away whatever comes up for me right now, and that’s okay I think that’s
supposed to help my heal piece by piece. For some reason I had some anxiety too
about posting more about losing Dani. She was my sister, she was the family I chose. She was in my
life since we were 12 years old. Her family is my family forever. For some
reason I had self-limiting thoughts come up, fearing that people will think I
post about this to get attention or because I want pity from others. But that’s
not why. I am finally correcting these false beliefs as they rise in my mind
because I am writing to release, and I am writing to connect to her. I posted Dani day after day after day
especially when I first found out because it made it feel like she was still
there with me. It felt like my Instagram was a portal connecting with her, as
if she could read all my captions, see all my posts and know she was so loved. But
most importantly I am writing because I am going to make change in this world,
I am on a mission now. I do not want anyone to feel bad for me I want to ask
you all to join me because this mission is for all of us in unity.
I met Dani when I was 12 years old and she was 11. We were
both selected to play on a travel hockey team and our moms connected at the
rink one night. I still remember the first night she came to my house. My
parents chatted with her beautiful Mother while her and I took selfies for no
reason, as many 12 years old do. We watched a movie upstairs and wore clay face
masks. I invited Dani to sleepover and she didn’t end up staying. About a year
later she ended up telling me she was nervous to sleepover because we had just
met and she found that so funny now because we were inseparable. I know I still
have those photos somewhere on an old hard-drive, I hope I can find them. From
there we spent many weeknights and weekends together, on the ice, at away
tournaments and just hanging out. Dani knew everything about what was going on
in my life. From which boy I liked at the time to which girls were being
bullies in elementary school, I told her everything. She told me too. I
remember our tournament in Ottawa when we played hockey, my dad offered to
bring Dani with us so I spent the entire weekend with her. We ordered hot
chocolates at an Irish pub, explored the parliament buildings with my dad, had hot
tubs and dinners with our team. We slept in the same bed (but who really slept
when you’re laughing so hard), helped each other get up for our 8am games and
had so much fun. That year changed my life, I had found my real best friend.
The only girl in my life thus far that I felt loved me unconditionally and
genuinely wanted what was best for me. We all know girls can be catty,
especially in the younger ages, instigating drama that has no meaning. Dani was
the first girl I connected with on the
level where I knew she would be there for me through any and everything I faced
in my life, and it was so effortless to be with her.
Fast forward a bit, our parents really connected too and
suddenly in grade 9 we ended up in Dominican at an all-inclusive, for my first
time. Dani had often traveled. I didn’t know such beautiful places even existed
I was in awe the entire trip. Dani and I, along with Megs, had our own room for
every trip we went on. So it was like we were living in an alternate reality,
with little parent supervision and so much freedom. We went on 5 tropical trips
together. They are my favourite memories of my entire life, I looked forward to
them every single year. We took thousands of photos and videos, I am so
grateful that I still have so many saved through facebook because I look at
them every day. I am an introvert by nature, although I didn’t admit this until
the last year. I used to try to force myself to be social 24.7 and conform to
that ideal personality because I associated introversion with being odd and I
just wanted to fit in. I didn’t have the best experience with friendships and
bullying in elementary school so I carried a low self-esteem into my teenage
and early adulthood years. After hanging out with acquaintances or close friends for a while I would need to be
solo. I needed to recharge my batteries and just be, alone. But somehow I spent
every waking moment with Dani, from the crack of dawn beach runs and buffet
breakfasts, to the end of our resort exploring nights. We shared a room, a bed,
everything. I never needed to re-charge from Dani once. I never thought, “I
need some alone time right now.” We never got in one fight, ever, about
anything. There was no passive-aggressiveness, no competition between us, it
was just love in the purest form possible. Dani became my sisters best-friend
too. She was my only friend who loved and treated Meghan like she treated me.
Meghan lost her sister too. On our trips Dani was so popular with everyone we
encountered, boys loved her for her beauty that glowed from the inside out, she
was radiant to put it in one word. She had so much love to give. I remember falling asleep one night after we
laughed for two hours straight- which we did pretty often. We laughed so much
that we have peed our pants before, we laughed until our stomachs felt like we
had 6 pack rock hard abs. I was drifting in an out of sleep and just thinking
about how fucking lucky I was to have found my person. Dani was my real person
and I thought to myself, I don’t know
what would happen if I lost Dani in this life. I couldn’t do it. I just can’t
imagine my life without her. Then I got angry at myself for thinking a horrible
thought like that, because we had so much more to do together in life and I
fell asleep.
Through those years even though we went to different
high-schools and had to play on different teams, I saw Dani regularly. We got
to play soccer together when we were 17. I remember Dani was such a team-mate,
it was never about her own points. One game we were away in Niagara at a field
with so much mosquitoes, we were late arriving together and we had to warm up
together and we were just getting attacked by bugs but we couldn’t stop
laughing about it. We got to play on the same side of the field, she played
winger and I played striker, and we had such chemistry down the line. If anyone
touched her though I wanted to get them. We even played against each other in
high-school soccer. My coach had to switch my position because we couldn’t be
aggressive towards each other we just kept laughing and trying not to make
eye-contact. I haven’t explained it yet but Dani had the best laugh in the
world. It was like a never-ending cackle that was more contagious than a yawn.
You could hear it from another floor in a house with the door closed, and you
had to smile.
As we got older, I went to University, Dani did too but she
decided to post-phone her education to find herself and her life direction a
bit more. We didn’t see much of each other for that year but we spoke weekly
and still connected in person when we could. One night we went to Port Credit
and sat by the water on the rocks under the bridge with a giant blanket and
just talked about our plans to see the world together. We reminded each other
we would never settle for anything in our lives that didn’t set our souls on
fire. We got burritos and we drank tea until we were too cold to stay there
anymore. One year during university when I lived downtown for a semester we had
an open room for rent and Dani was looking for a place, I was so excited, she
came to pick me up at my family home so we could plan it out. This was the
first fight we ever got in and there was a wedge there afterwards that we
didn’t want to acknowledge. If I could turn back time and be back in this
moment, a thousand times again I would do it. As a person I hate fights, I hate
confrontation and most of the time I go silent and hold my feelings inside. I
don’t say what’s on my mind immediately, I need time to process. So instead of
trying to talk out the problem I asked Dani to drop me off, I was upset and I didn’t
want to talk about anything. I remember the day I found out Dani tore her knee
in soccer, she was devastated. When she had surgery I showed up at her doorstep
with my sleepover bag and a giant bag of her favourite Bulk Barn candy. We
cuddled and fell asleep together talking. I felt her sadness about her injury
and I wanted to save her from it. The same way I wanted to save her then I
wanted to save her during this fight, I think about that day so often. What if
I had spoken up? What if I had cried to you and been honest? What if, instead
of running away from the confrontation I faced it? What if we then had moved in
together, could I have changed your experiences? Could I have re-directed your
life? But the most common question that is I ask, is could I have saved you?
Could I have let you see that love is the way in life and that you are so loved
beyond your ability to fathom it? We got over the fight a few months later, but
I still didn’t take a stance. I didn’t stand up and speak in my truth, I held it
in and just let it go because I needed you. We had rollerblade dates by the
lake, sleepovers in Toronto at your grandmas and even if I hadn’t seen you for
months because of University it didn’t change a damn thing. One night we even
walked 4 hours down Lakeshore, from the highway all way into the city where we
found a café and had a cappuccino. Time didn’t exist with Dani, we weren’t even
tired.
As University went on for me I knew Dani was stressed about
her life direction and when she was she pushed me away. I didn’t get text
replies and I often went straight to voicemail when I called. I felt angry
sometimes. I would think to myself, “why doesn’t she want to talk to me
anymore?” or “I guess she found new best friends and doesn’t care to stay
connected to me anymore.” Through my thoughts I would send love but I was also
hurt. I heard Dani was sick one day and she hadn’t replied to me messages in a
while, but I got a message from her. It said “Thanks for reaching out Ash. I’ll
always love you and consider you my closest friend. Don’t forget that please.”
I smiled and I cried a bit, I missed her so much. Dani went through some hard
losses in the years before her death, when I hadn’t seen her in a while I finally
did at a funeral. Someone came to her to give her condolences and asked about
me and Meghan, Dani replied “These are my real friends. They’re like my
family.” Although it was a really sad day, Meghan and I were so happy to be
with Dani again. Some time passed and I wasn’t getting replies from Dani again,
but I wasn’t angry I was just sending her hope and waiting. Dani posted a photo
of her and I and wrote how these old times were the best times and she couldn’t
wait to see me soon. She reached out to me when my grandma passed and told me
to stay strong she knew I could do it. She commented a profile picture of me “I
love u.” I took all those posts and comments as a call to reach back out to me,
so we could finally reconnect. I had graduated university finally, Dani and I
had always talked about planning long term backpack travels at this point in
our lives and I always day-dreamed that we would actually do it. The last message I sent her was a month before
she passed, I sent her a photo of us having a laugh attack in my garage on my
18th birthday and I wrote:
I love reading back through our messages, and I’m so happy
she saw this message. She didn’t reply but I hope she knows how much I meant
it. I wish I said so much more than this. I wish I did so much more than I did.
I am so fortunate to have such a supportive network of people who have helped
me through losing Dani, I wish I was as
supportive of a network for Dani as an individual in the last year of her life.
I know I have heard over and over again, that is not my fault. I do not believe
it is my fault either, I believe many things added up and that there is divine
timing for everything, even when it hurts like you’re being stabbed in the
chest. But I do believe I could have sent more love, every day. I do believe I
could have reacted differently in speaking my truth with conviction from the
start instead of holding it in, I do believe I should have done many things
differently. I heard that’s how we all feel after we lose someone close to us, especially
if it is suddenly and unexpected. I am sad that when Dani was hurting a few
months before she passed she did not reach out to me. I know she was a strong,
independent, stubborn and bad-ass young woman who didn’t want to be a burden to
anyone, especially the people who loved her soul the most. So I know that’s why
she pushed us away. I know now what I wish I knew a few years ago, she was not
avoiding me of out lack of love, she was avoiding me out of the purest form of
love possible. She felt like she was a weight and she didn’t want to bring be
down with her. I wish I could tell her now that no matter what pain she came to my door with we could have
brought each other up together.
About 6 months before Dani passed my heart had opened and I
was beginning my journey into spirituality, universal connectedness and healing
from past traumas that have manifested as an eating disorder and anxiety for
years. I was in a really good place in my life, I was finally happy, as I am
now, with who I am as a person, my loving nature to the core and my contentment
with solitude on my own. The only part of my life that I was struggling with
was my career direction, worrying about finances, trying to live up to other’s
expectations and the materialism of the world I live in. But I am working
through it now. Losing Dani has helped me see differently, I live differently
now. I scrolled all the way through our facebook conversations dating back to
2011. Dani had messaged me something once, ‘I want to feel like I don’t work a
day of my life because I’ll be doing something I love.” I forget about that
conversation with her, and that is what I have been struggling the most with
immensely since University graduation. I have had so much fear, about my
direction in life, whether I will succeed. I have had self-doubt, manifesting
as conversations with myself where I tell myself I am not good enough or
capable enough. So physically I have been frozen, in a spiritual transition
period where I am not moving physically forward to manifest my visions. Just
coming across this message now when I was reminiscing on my memories with Dani
is too ironic for it to be a coincidence. I have learned the most life lessons
from her, and I feel her with me in everything I do now. I feel a void in my
heart, it will never be filled, but I also feel a presence that will never
disappear.
The night I found out about Dani’s passing was a strange
one. I had severe anxiety all day at work, I was supposed to go to Jamaica 3
days later. On the drive home from work, I
turned the radio off, sat at a red light and yelled outloud with my arms
up facing the sky “OKAY UNIVERSE I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A FCKN SIGN. If I should stay home from this trip, I need a
sign that I will pay attention to. A real sign, not something little. Please I
need your help.” Four hours later I was
watching the Notebook by myself as my family was away for the weekend and I got
the worst call I’ve ever had to answer. I screamed and sobbed and I have NEVER
felt so much emotion in my body in my entire life. I almost broke a vase and I
wanted to throw plates and smash them everywhere. I’ve never felt such an urge
in my life. I called my mom and she offered to come home immediately from their
trip, I actually wanted to be alone. It felt good to just cry and yell and express myself without
anyone else to answer to there. Then my beautiful friend Colleen came to sleep
with me, thank you Colleen for just being you. It’s been almost seven months
since May 21st. But my grieving is in no way aware of timing. For
the visitations and funeral I created a bunch of art, I ordered memoirs of Dani
for my room, I got my tattoo designed and created in memory of Dani. I was
physically doing, because it felt good. I would cry, mostly in the car and at
yoga, and I was doing the best I could. I went through a period after that
where I just denied it completely. I avoided thinking about her, I physically
did what I had to do during the days and nights and I just kept putting one
foot forward at a time. Then a few months after that I had a two week
break-down where I just wanted to cry every single day. Grieving has no time
line. The missing piece never gets filled, I believe we just learn to cope and
if we are open to connection in the spiritual world we will see the signs, and
feel them through our entire being. Dani has shown up for me through songs on the radio, songs in savasana
at the yoga studio, spontaneously showing up as her hockey # on the yoga mat beside me, blowing a photo of
herself onto the floor in front of my toes, and so much more. The most
beautiful thing of all she is doing though is connecting me to beautiful people
with open hearts. I have recently been connected to two beautiful women in the
last week, through a job opportunity who have experienced significant losses
and they are on a healing mission in their lives just like I am. I just met
them, but I have known their hearts my entire life. In the last 6 months alone
I have made new friends who I know will
be forever friends because they are genuine souls who I was meant to
meet.
Dani is with me every day now because I am going to live a
life where my job is not a chore, I am going to make an impact in each and
every way I can. I am going to remember to fragility of life and how much it means
to live each moment with a thankful heart. I
am not going to respond as if I am hurt when the people I love push me
away, because I now know they do not want to be a burden so it is up to me to
show up for them, even if they act like they don’t want it. I am never going to
shrink and worry about using my voice again, because my voice is meant to be
loud. Just like I told Dani a year ago, don’t give up on yourself & I’m
never ever going to give up on you.
Dear Dani,
I love you. Farewell, for now <3
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