New Years: The Date is Arbitrary

It’s funny, the hype around the new year. The planning, preparing, anticipating that comes right before this transition can obviously be attributed to the opportunity for a fresh start, a blank slate for us to create our lives in a way that resonates with us. But when you get down to the nitty gritty, December 31^st at midnight is just another time, on another day, not different from every other day. I’m not writing this from a place of disregard for the excitement the new year brings, I’m writing from a place of reflection because I know that I too have been mindlessly motivated by the date changing, only to remain stagnant after some time passes.

The preoccupation with goal setting and new years resolutions is one of the most perfect examples of how we as human beings are so focused on the future that we entirely miss out on the present, we don’t even see the potential of RIGHT NOW. It’s almost as if from the day after boxing day until the new year, those days become a write-off, they don’t even exist because we’re just waiting for the completion of this year to take place, so we can be who we want to be at the start of 2019. If that is the mentality we continue to subscribe to, our hopes and plans for each coming year will never survive past a month or two at maximum, because they are not planted from a place of passion. Rather they are hoped for from a place of anticipated pleasure, and a fear of living a life unchanged. Because let’s be honest, the changes we imagine in our mind are based on our desire to feel specific feelings, not about any physical changes or material gains. Whether we hope to buy a new fancy car, or lose 20 pounds, we are fantasizing about how we will feel once this possibly becomes our reality, and that is our underlying motivational factor. If we are not conscious of the fact that how we are living right now is based on our choices, our presence and our commitment to growth, or lack thereof, we will live off of a short high of anticipation into the new year, which will slowly die back down into our old habits and ways of being, because comfort zone are easier to sustain. This is the ultimate truth behind all the new years resolution weight loss jokes or the statistics that show most of us give up by part-way through February, because their hopes and dreams created in their mind were not grounded in an analysis of self, and how we currently show up in our lives as free agents.

Instead of waiting for an arbitrary date, what we can we do today, and every single day when we wake up that aligns with how we want to feel in this world. How can we commit to showing up for the people we love? What can we promise yourself ourselves we will prioritize in relation to our self-love? What habits can we start developing in our lives on any given day that will bring us closer to the life we are seeking? It doesn’t matter if it’s July 10^th, October 20^th, or December 31^st, we have the agency to decide that how we are currently showing up in our lives is not in alignment with our deepest being, and CHOOSE to show up differently. This opportunity can be scary though- it requires work. The frightening, deep, conscious work that demands us to look at our lives through an honest lens to reflect on where we are in our own way. This might manifest in our lives as clinging to expired relationships that are no longer healthy for us, or maybe it manifests in other forms of self-sabotage such as addiction or cheating. Every experience of our entire lives has layered upon the previous ones to create who we seem to be today and how we view the world, our circumstances and our opportunities. If we mess up one day, or two days, or 20 days, we can always choose to begin again tomorrow, because the date does not matter, only our whole-hearted intention does. This may sound like a fantasy blog, like “oh yeah that sounds nice but how can I actually show up like that?”. Well, we choose to, again and again, failure after failure, until it becomes how we show up automatically. We carve out the time to self-reflect, to journal, to focus on manifesting what we want to create in our lives and we also focus on being honest about some of the reasons why what we think we are seeking is not showing up for us. The law of attraction is not only about imagining what we want, because almost immediately after we imagine these things we remember that we do not currently have them. So although we may believe your energy is directed towards attracting what we desire, the energy we are putting out there comes from a place of lack-of, fear and that is the opposite of what you are seeking. Commitment to leveling up takes patience, time and often painful awakenings but once we see this life for what it is we simply cannot accept complacency anymore.

So I invite you as we enter a new year to get really clear and specific about what you want to create, but from a place of self-reflection and honesty. I invite you to keep choosing every morning when you wake up to show up how you want to show up, even after the first few months of 2019 have passed. Like the title says, the date as arbitrary. Your blank slate begins any moment you decide it does, how will you create your life?

Being Here Now

Somewhere along the way of my daily living, right now, I am in a new space of thinking. I wish I knew how I got here, so I could teleport back here again when my thinking shifts back to a place of anxiety, fear and worry- which will come. I know this will come because life is an eb and flow, moving into new ways of being and then shrinking back into old ways sometimes too. The only thing that really matters is that we practice recognizing when the way we are thinking is limiting our present moment happiness, and choose to do the work to re-frame our internal voice. Right now I am only thinking about what is going to make me happy today, I am not thinking about what could go wrong 5 years from now. I mean sure sometimes those thoughts pop into my mind and I catch myself almost instantly and chuckle a little because who has time to worry about then when all we really have is right now? Literally, we only have now. Later will be what we have later, so we  can deal with it then, however it may turn out.

I am no longer fearing that teaching is not a career for me because maybe I’ll get sick of It in 20 years. I am reminding myself that I enjoyed my yoga camp, that I have so much to teach in the education system and it begins with love of self that our youth are missing. They  aren’t taught this. I will teach it, no matter what age group I end up teaching. I am no longer concerned about my romantic relationships, my future or how it will end up. I am simply living today and doing what makes me happy, I am hopeful that tomorrow will come and if I continue to seek what lights up my heart, then tomorrow will turn out how it is meant to be.

I wrote the above paragraphs a couple months ago when I felt very aligned, connected and present. Not every day is this cheerful though. Some days I feel like I’m drowning in the thoughts of my mind, the what ifs, the questions. It feels like a blessing and a curse all at once to have an over-active mind that questions every possibility, about my life and the walls I’ve built around myself to stay safe in my comfort zone. It is very powerful to have insight into the ways which I try to protect myself- from  a fear rejection, not belonging, ridicule, etc. But at times it can also feel isolating because this insight doesn’t automatically provide us with the tools to change the dynamics of our existence. Thus we may feel perpetually stuck at a road-block, with a heightened awareness yet no idea how to trek onward or progress. I saw a quote the other day that went like this:

 

“I tend toward dramatic thinking. When I have a problem, or when I  feel icky, I tend to think the solution is: I have to move and I need a new family, and a new religion and a new house. I need to s tart all over, everything Is terrible. But what I usually need is, like, a glass of water.” – Glennon Doyle

This quote hits home for me because when I feel complacency creeping in my first reaction is to try to change something about my direction in life. Usually it’s career related or living in Canada related. I start to obsess about finding my calling which I convince myself is not teaching in the education system and have a mental dialogue with myself about how I am so off track right now. If I’m able to really get present though and sit with myself the awareness arises that when I am in that state of mind I am not being all I can be in my present life, in my current job and on a daily basis. What needs fixing is nothing external to me. Actually nothing needs fixing at all, I am perfect as I am, I am just not present or engaged in my life as it is, right now. I am romanticizing in my mind some other version of my life, that must be better, must be more fulfilling. It would solve all my overthinking battles, right?  So what do I do next? If I am not sitting with myself and acknowledging this truth, I am then obsessing over researching other career options for instance, imagining how this route would change the dynamic of my life and everything would be perfect. The power is in the recognition of these responses though. Now that I know this I can acknowledge that it is a response to idly drifting in my life and I can ask myself “how can I get more present?” It actually isn’t even an option, it is a must because if ignored this state of being will cause physical sickness, emotional anxiety and other forms of physical manifestation.

Last night I wasn’t even planning to get to yoga because I had hockey. I have been on the ice a lot more recently, and love it. But this also translates to me moving a bit faster throughout my days and less connected to my breath because it is a different form of movement. It is intense, competitive, and distracting. Whereas my yoga practice can get intense to, but it is soothing and connecting in nature. I need the balance, or else I am an overflowing vase of YANG with no yin and feelings of being out of control consume me. My mind and body was literally screaming at me last night “YOU NEED TO BREATHE TODAY. GET TO YOGA. NOT BY YOURSELF. GO TO YOGA CLASS” and instead of questioning the urge I just packed up all my things and rushed to get to class before my hockey. My mind and body let me know what I need especially when I don’t waste time trying to ignore the messages that feel right as they pass through me. Your being knows what you need too,  so start tuning in. This listening is the best gift there is, and it is always available to you, you just have to choose it.

The same thing is true about when you start to try to change external circumstances of your life because you imagine a different reality being better than the one you are living right now. Your inner truth behind those thoughts is available for you to tap in to but you have to trust yourself and give yourself the space to feel ALL the feelings. Yes ALL of them. Not only the lovely, happy, warm feelings. But the fear, the worry, the guilt and the pain too. This is not to say that you shouldn’t change your career path if you feel a calling in another direction it is just a reminder that not all of our thoughts will actually be leading us to living in our power. I know for a fact that no matter what I would change my life trajectory towards it wouldn’t feel any better because the issue is not external to me, it is my lack of presence and commitment to being in the current moment. To conclude for now, I am promising myself that I will do more each day to be “here, now”. For me this looks like: getting off my phone and leaving it away from me, engaging with more students when I’m supplying, making an effort to socialize more with people I love and staying committed to my yoga practice.  What does it look like for you?

xoxo

Grounding Myself

There’s something funny about becoming more conscious, more aware of how  connected you are to everything around you, and everything in the entire world for that matter. A few months ago I felt entirely  connected to my spiritual side, my belonging to a universal energy that we all belong to and we can all become aware of if we spend the time opening our eyes. I did however during those times, disconnect myself a lot physically from others. I believe it was necessary to propel me into my healing but I also am aware of how it is not a sustainable way of being if I want to live outside of my comfort zone and create my reality. 

 My entire life before this opening for me has been spent very disconnected, unconscious and more often distracted. It wasn’t bad though, it was just what was meant for me at that time during those years. I didn’t have so much extra time to spend contemplating my beliefs about existence, although I do recall I did the odd time, so maybe it was more so that I didn’t have the tools to start to confidently  believe what I do now. Either way, lately sometimes I find myself wishing I could dive back into that unawareness that I used to live in before everything opened up for me, maybe because it was easier. It was easier to remain unaccountable to my actions and choices, put blame on the external world for how I was experiencing my reality and be caught up in never-ending drama triangles, materialism and superficial pursuits. Now it is not possible for me to go back to place like this, however I do find myself trying to with my avoidance of meditation, tuning inwards and also lack of mindful presence in everything that I am doing. It is a double edge sword, because it is a beautiful thing to be aware that I am feeling very ungrounded in things I am doing most often lately because it offers me the opportunity to address the cause and work through it. However this awareness also feels like a burden sometimes, I wish it was a physical thought  bubble or weight I could choose to throw over my shoulder until I felt like turning around to pick it up. I wish I could continue to mindlessly engage in sport everyday to force myself to  be present to perform, to create a schedule so busy that there isn’t so much time for me to ponder how I can positively impact this world more and how I can connect with more people who are in alignment with me. I wish it was that simple, but then I have this internal dialogue about why would I wish for such a thing as being unconscious and disconnected when for as long as I can remember all I wanted to feel was safe and present in my every day existence and the creation of my life. 

The ironic thing is I think I realize that maybe I am feeling so ungrounded lately because I am trying to force this spiritual connected side of me into hiding, but this is the foundation of who I really am as a person. Perhaps I feel unsafe because I am denying my inner self the right to shine and the right to be big, bold and verbal in life. I am too caught up in the: What if I can’t find more people who are open to this life investment in self-inquiry and connectedness? What if everybody just thinks I’m weird? The work, the self-inquiry, the nitty gritty process of learning how to unlearn everything I have absorbed into my consciousness that is of no use to me is hard, and it doesn’t go away, there is no ending to this work. I understand I’ll go through seasons, some will be more introspective and connected in nature, while others will not be, and that is okay. But I have the opportunity to choose what I focus on, to recognize I am not in balance and bring myself back to it with choices of where I direct my focus and energy.

 I think this is a self-reminder more than anything that judging myself harshly for the season I am in lately does no good, it only creates tension on a spiritual level but also a physical level in my body. I was shuffling my Tarot cards deck last night when I asked the typical question I ask “Universe what message do you have for me today?” and as I was shuffling I opened the deck and saw one card. At the end when I picked a card out randomly it ended up being the same card I had originally seen and I laughed because I know it is divine timing message. The card described how in order to heal relationships with others I need to tune in to my relationship with myself. That self-judging and being harsh internally or creating stories about my lack of growth does nothing but disconnect me more. It is so true I have not been cultivating a thought process of self-love lately, of patience for my physical body, connectedness in life and the thoughts I continue to spend time giving attention to. But it’s not about looking at this truth from a place of judgement again because then it’s as if I’m only digging myself into a deeper hole, the negative feedback loop is strong if you feed it and give it more power to control your conscious ways of thinking. I think for now I need to focus on: complete presence and immersion in what I am doing in the moment, allowing myself time to just “be” without actually doing and re-framing my thoughts about balance in physical busy-ness, connectedness with others and also carving out the time I crave each day to meditate, read, do my tarot work and write. The mantras I am bringing into my self-talk are: I am safe. I am grounded. I am healing as I am deeply rooted to existence yet free to float where I choose to.

Stepping into my Power

This past weekend I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training with Power Yoga Canada, the place where I fell In love with yoga, through the practice that has helped me begin learning how to love myself. I’ve been in the “almost” phase twice before, I backed out of the training, because of all these stories I told myself in my head. “I’m not ready yet. I’m not good enough to be a yoga teacher. I’ll never hold space in the room for other yogis like the teachers have for me. It’s too much money. People in my life are questioning why I’m doing it.” So I let those stories run me, I let them overpower the feeling in the pit of my belly that this training, this place, is where I am meant to be. But not this time. I actually almost backed out the week before. I started making excuses to convince myself. But I ultimately decided to just show up on day one, and boy am I glad I did.

I have never felt more connected or more safe than I have felt after two days in a room with 35 strangers. I had previously heard a bit about how the training makes you all best friends but that idea didn’t resonate with me until I was part-way through day one, sitting in my chair  thinking “wow I’ve never said that out-loud and now I just raised my  hand, stood up, made eye contact, and said it.” There’s a thread of intimacy that is undeniable in vulnerable sharing, maybe we all avoid it quite often in our day to day lives out of fear. I know I did. I know I still often do. I anticipated going right into anatomy for yoga, the history of yoga, and being responsible for understanding/memorizing it all. I know we are going to learn that, but that is not at all how the program started. We started with two full days, 9 am- 8pm of self-inquiry. We began with a power-point, sitting in chairs, learning about ourselves and having the opportunity, if we chose to, to share what was coming up for us by standing up, facing our new friends and speaking our truth. One of my main goals for this training was to speak out even if my words didn’t flow how I imagined they would from my head, I was going to do it anyways. I’m proud of myself because I did about a handful of times over the two days. I’m proud of everyone who was with me too.

Each night when I left the training I was surprised because I was ready to turn inwards to reflect but I was not physically exhausted at all. I felt a bit tired due to  the depth of the topics we were exploring but I felt awakened, inspired and actually ready to tackle anything that  came my way, including my own self-limiting beliefs which I’ve written about a little on my blog previously. I found it particularly hard to explain to my family and close friends though because I didn’t know how to put the feelings into words, or how to  describe how I felt more connected to this group of people who I had just met than many people I have been around for years. I didn’t know how to explain how I am moving into a fresh perspective of myself, without wondering if they would think I’m crazy. Then I realized I really don’t care if they do anyways because I know I’m just waking up.

I’ve written before about how the voice of fear/doubt can be a regular intruder in your mind, so much so that you mistake that voice for you and you believe it  every time it tells you that you cannot achieve something, that something is available for others but not for you, that you need to stop day-dreaming because it’s not going to happen. But in the past couple months I realize that I’ve been living in a state of anxiety and feeling like I have no control because I have let fear consume my thoughts and I have been stagnant in my growth on a spiritual level. I have been worrying about the future, feeling inadequate, wondering how I’ll ever have a job that truly resonates with me, feeling forced to fit into society’s expectations which feels suffocating at most times. This past weekend opened up this portal inside me that I was scared to allow because I didn’t want be overwhelmed, but I feel ready now. I also realized something new about the voice of doubt that can run my life too. Fear does not only show up in obvious ways, through various statements beginning with “I can’t do this.” Or “I am not worth it.” Fear also shows up as deeply imbedded understandings of who I am as a person, that defines my identity and thus shapes the reality I create for myself every day. In other words, fear shows up like little puzzle pieces, inter-woven into the deepest part of my understanding of who I am, how I relate to others and how I navigate every day life. For instance, I identity heavily with my introvertive essence, my desire to be alone to reflect and often isolate myself. But my understanding of being an introvert limits me, and shows up as a voice of fear because when I am feeling social, or feeling like I need connection with others, the self-talk that comes up tells me that I know I enjoy turning inward so I should stop earning for connection because I won’t enjoy socializing anyways. So this story that I tell myself that I am more  happy when I am alone, limits me from new opportunities to enjoy public socializing, to meet new people, and to find a balance between group socializing and personal introversion. How ironic that the qualities I have come to claim as who I am also hold me back.

Another theme that I have based my identity on is the fact that  “I am non-confrontational so when someone does something to me or others I disagree with,  I just need to sit back, shut up and see how it plays out without hurting anyone’s feelings too much.” This belief is so deeply embedded in who I believe I am and who I ought to be that I realize I remind myself of it constantly. When I feel violated or seriously hurt by someone close to me, I replay the scenario multiple times in my head, make excuses for them, recite what I wish I could say to them and then if I say anything at all it ends up being probably the exact opposite of what I need to get off my chest. Then that energy festers, it weighs me down, it makes me feel heavy and tired. But I never say it, because that is not who I have accepted I am, so I live in the box with this non-confrontational identity I have created for myself.

Furthermore, I also have gotten so comfortable with reminding myself that “I am independent and I’ve been hurt previously when I give my love to someone else so I’m better off alone” that I block my own opportunities for intimacy on a romantic level, out of comfort with complacency. Then I put the blame outside of me, when my mind wanders over the what ifs and why haven’t I questions about dating and love. I’ve accepted independence as one of my natural traits, as a building back of my identity, so I am often blocking my own opportunities to find love.              

There is so much self-reflection going on right now for me but I couldn’t be more open to what I can learn from it. I am finding it hard to insert myself back in my daily routine, going around places in reality and wishing I could connect everyone, even random strangers to this type of self-reflection. I know that all I have control over though is doing my own work. Over the weekend we also dove into “rackets”, which are stories or fronts we tell ourselves about people in our lives that define how we view them in every circumstance. So basically we have accepted a judgement we have made about each person in our lives as “who they are with a specific story-line” and it shapes everything as we move forward with them because it is the under-pinning of our limited understanding of them. We run rackets on everyone, and it affects us because we can explode out sideways, for example at our best-friend because they never pick up the phone when you need them, because you have subconsciously pre-judged and determined before-hand that they are selfish, self-absorbed, etc. These rackets are what cause us to explode on people who matter to us over something so small, because we are really releasing a whole load of energy that has built up around our overall judgement of their personality. We are unable to see their side, to appreciate their story and their interpretation because we are blinded by our need to be right. Rackets are what keep us from connecting to the ones we love, and instead of making up over a fight we would rather be stuck in our own rightness so we don’t even talk to the our loved ones, sometimes for years when there’s family drama as an example. I know I am an empath, so I consider myself relatively good at seeing other people’s side of the story. But I am now opening up to the possibility, which is the reality, that I clearly run rackets on every person that matters to me in my life and although they rarely cause complete physical separation they insert  emotional blocks that prevent me from intimacy with them. An overall judgement I carry inside of each person that matters to me will undeniably contribute to our conversations, our conflict and our opportunity to connect.

I think I could keep writing quite a bit longer but I will finish here. I invite any and everyone who is reading this to take the time to reflect on how your judgements of those in your life affect how you treat them on a daily basis. What can you do differently so that you can have intimacy with those who matter to you? What  can you let go of? Can you stop needing to be right all the time? I am going to practice this, starting with bringing awareness to every connection I have. Likewise, can you think about what boxes you have put yourself in that define your identity? I know for a fact that these boxes serve you in some areas of  your life, but can you take some time to think about how they limit you? For example, can you not make this decision because you are indecisive, or is it because you have accepted that indecisiveness defines you, and thus that’s the story that runs through your head whenever it is time to make an important decision. So instead of focusing truly on the situation at hand, you are running play by plays in your head of the previous times you’ve been indecisive. Because that’s who you are right? Or is that just who you’ve convinced yourself  you are? The same boxes that you think free you and define you hold you back from stepping out of your comfort zone, which can be a scary place, but I encourage you to jump there with a whole lot of faith, I promise I am trying to do the same.