Farewell, for now (L)

I waited so long to write this entry because I didn’t know what to start with. Actually I didn’t know what to really write about at all. I still don’t know. I can’t figure out how to put the feelings into words, I don’t think the words will give the pain it’s true justice. My fingers are just typing away whatever comes up for me right now, and that’s okay I think that’s supposed to help my heal piece by piece. For some reason I had some anxiety too about posting more about losing Dani. She was my sister,  she was the family I chose. She was in my life since we were 12 years old. Her family is my family forever. For some reason I had self-limiting thoughts come up, fearing that people will think I post about this to get attention or because I want pity from others. But that’s not why. I am finally correcting these false beliefs as they rise in my mind because I am writing to release, and I am writing to connect to her.  I posted Dani day after day after day especially when I first found out because it made it feel like she was still there with me. It felt like my Instagram was a portal connecting with her, as if she could read all my captions, see all my posts and know she was so loved. But most importantly I am writing because I am going to make change in this world, I am on a mission now. I do not want anyone to feel bad for me I want to ask you all to join me because this mission is for all of us in unity.

I met Dani when I was 12 years old and she was 11. We were both selected to play on a travel hockey team and our moms connected at the rink one night. I still remember the first night she came to my house. My parents chatted with her beautiful Mother while her and I took selfies for no reason, as many 12 years old do. We watched a movie upstairs and wore clay face masks. I invited Dani to sleepover and she didn’t end up staying. About a year later she ended up telling me she was nervous to sleepover because we had just met and she found that so funny now because we were inseparable. I know I still have those photos somewhere on an old hard-drive, I hope I can find them. From there we spent many weeknights and weekends together, on the ice, at away tournaments and just hanging out. Dani knew everything about what was going on in my life. From which boy I liked at the time to which girls were being bullies in elementary school, I told her everything. She told me too. I remember our tournament in Ottawa when we played hockey, my dad offered to bring Dani with us so I spent the entire weekend with her. We ordered hot chocolates at an Irish pub, explored the parliament buildings with my dad, had hot tubs and dinners with our team. We slept in the same bed (but who really slept when you’re laughing so hard), helped each other get up for our 8am games and had so much fun. That year changed my life, I had found my real best friend. The only girl in my life thus far that I felt loved me unconditionally and genuinely wanted what was best for me. We all know girls can be catty, especially in the younger ages, instigating drama that has no meaning. Dani was the first girl  I connected with on the level where I knew she would be there for me through any and everything I faced in my life, and it was so effortless to be with her.

Fast forward a bit, our parents really connected too and suddenly in grade 9 we ended up in Dominican at an all-inclusive, for my first time. Dani had often traveled. I didn’t know such beautiful places even existed I was in awe the entire trip. Dani and I, along with Megs, had our own room for every trip we went on. So it was like we were living in an alternate reality, with little parent supervision and so much freedom. We went on 5 tropical trips together. They are my favourite memories of my entire life, I looked forward to them every single year. We took thousands of photos and videos, I am so grateful that I still have so many saved through facebook because I look at them every day. I am an introvert by nature, although I didn’t admit this until the last year. I used to try to force myself to be social 24.7 and conform to that ideal personality because I associated introversion with being odd and I just wanted to fit in. I didn’t have the best experience with friendships and bullying in elementary school so I carried a low self-esteem into my teenage and early adulthood years. After hanging out with acquaintances or  close friends for a while I would need to be solo. I needed to recharge my batteries and just be, alone. But somehow I spent every waking moment with Dani, from the crack of dawn beach runs and buffet breakfasts, to the end of our resort exploring nights. We shared a room, a bed, everything. I never needed to re-charge from Dani once. I never thought, “I need some alone time right now.” We never got in one fight, ever, about anything. There was no passive-aggressiveness, no competition between us, it was just love in the purest form possible. Dani became my sisters best-friend too. She was my only friend who loved and treated Meghan like she treated me. Meghan lost her sister too. On our trips Dani was so popular with everyone we encountered, boys loved her for her beauty that glowed from the inside out, she was radiant to put it in one word. She had so much love to give.  I remember falling asleep one night after we laughed for two hours straight- which we did pretty often. We laughed so much that we have peed our pants before, we laughed until our stomachs felt like we had 6 pack rock hard abs. I was drifting in an out of sleep and just thinking about how fucking lucky I was to have found my person. Dani was my real person and  I thought to myself, I don’t know what would happen if I lost Dani in this life. I couldn’t do it. I just can’t imagine my life without her. Then I got angry at myself for thinking a horrible thought like that, because we had so much more to do together in life and I fell asleep.

Through those years even though we went to different high-schools and had to play on different teams, I saw Dani regularly. We got to play soccer together when we were 17. I remember Dani was such a team-mate, it was never about her own points. One game we were away in Niagara at a field with so much mosquitoes, we were late arriving together and we had to warm up together and we were just getting attacked by bugs but we couldn’t stop laughing about it. We got to play on the same side of the field, she played winger and I played striker, and we had such chemistry down the line. If anyone touched her though I wanted to get them. We even played against each other in high-school soccer. My coach had to switch my position because we couldn’t be aggressive towards each other we just kept laughing and trying not to make eye-contact. I haven’t explained it yet but Dani had the best laugh in the world. It was like a never-ending cackle that was more contagious than a yawn. You could hear it from another floor in a house with the door closed, and you had to smile. 

As we got older, I went to University, Dani did too but she decided to post-phone her education to find herself and her life direction a bit more. We didn’t see much of each other for that year but we spoke weekly and still connected in person when we could. One night we went to Port Credit and sat by the water on the rocks under the bridge with a giant blanket and just talked about our plans to see the world together. We reminded each other we would never settle for anything in our lives that didn’t set our souls on fire. We got burritos and we drank tea until we were too cold to stay there anymore. One year during university when I lived downtown for a semester we had an open room for rent and Dani was looking for a place, I was so excited, she came to pick me up at my family home so we could plan it out. This was the first fight we ever got in and there was a wedge there afterwards that we didn’t want to acknowledge. If I could turn back time and be back in this moment, a thousand times again I would do it. As a person I hate fights, I hate confrontation and most of the time I go silent and hold my feelings inside. I don’t say what’s on my mind immediately, I need time to process. So instead of trying to talk out the problem I asked Dani to drop me off, I was upset and I didn’t want to talk about anything. I remember the day I found out Dani tore her knee in soccer, she was devastated. When she had surgery I showed up at her doorstep with my sleepover bag and a giant bag of her favourite Bulk Barn candy. We cuddled and fell asleep together talking. I felt her sadness about her injury and I wanted to save her from it. The same way I wanted to save her then I wanted to save her during this fight, I think about that day so often. What if I had spoken up? What if I had cried to you and been honest? What if, instead of running away from the confrontation I faced it? What if we then had moved in together, could I have changed your experiences? Could I have re-directed your life? But the most common question that is I ask, is could I have saved you? Could I have let you see that love is the way in life and that you are so loved beyond your ability to fathom it? We got over the fight a few months later, but I still didn’t take a stance. I didn’t stand up and speak in my truth, I held it in and just let it go because I needed you. We had rollerblade dates by the lake, sleepovers in Toronto at your grandmas and even if I hadn’t seen you for months because of University it didn’t change a damn thing. One night we even walked 4 hours down Lakeshore, from the highway all way into the city where we found a café and had a cappuccino. Time didn’t exist with Dani, we weren’t even tired.

As University went on for me I knew Dani was stressed about her life direction and when she was she pushed me away. I didn’t get text replies and I often went straight to voicemail when I called. I felt angry sometimes. I would think to myself, “why doesn’t she want to talk to me anymore?” or “I guess she found new best friends and doesn’t care to stay connected to me anymore.” Through my thoughts I would send love but I was also hurt. I heard Dani was sick one day and she hadn’t replied to me messages in a while, but I got a message from her. It said “Thanks for reaching out Ash. I’ll always love you and consider you my closest friend. Don’t forget that please.” I smiled and I cried a bit, I missed her so much. Dani went through some hard losses in the years before her death, when I hadn’t seen her in a while I finally did at a funeral. Someone came to her to give her condolences and asked about me and Meghan, Dani replied “These are my real friends. They’re like my family.” Although it was a really sad day, Meghan and I were so happy to be with Dani again. Some time passed and I wasn’t getting replies from Dani again, but I wasn’t angry I was just sending her hope and waiting. Dani posted a photo of her and I and wrote how these old times were the best times and she couldn’t wait to see me soon. She reached out to me when my grandma passed and told me to stay strong she knew I could do it. She commented a profile picture of me “I love u.” I took all those posts and comments as a call to reach back out to me, so we could finally reconnect. I had graduated university finally, Dani and I had always talked about planning long term backpack travels at this point in our lives and I always day-dreamed that we would actually do it.  The last message I sent her was a month before she passed, I sent her a photo of us having a laugh attack in my garage on my 18^th birthday and  I wrote:

I love reading back through our messages, and I’m so happy she saw this message. She didn’t reply but I hope she knows how much I meant it. I wish I said so much more than this. I wish I did so much more than I did. I am so fortunate to have such a supportive network of people who have helped me through  losing Dani, I wish I was as supportive of a network for Dani as an individual in the last year of her life. I know I have heard over and over again, that is not my fault. I do not believe it is my fault either, I believe many things added up and that there is divine timing for everything, even when it hurts like you’re being stabbed in the chest. But I do believe I could have sent more love, every day. I do believe I could have reacted differently in speaking my truth with conviction from the start instead of holding it in, I do believe I should have done many things differently. I heard that’s how we all feel after we lose someone close to us, especially if it is suddenly and unexpected. I am sad that when Dani was hurting a few months before she passed she did not reach out to me. I know she was a strong, independent, stubborn and bad-ass young woman who didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially the people who loved her soul the most. So I know that’s why she pushed us away. I know now what I wish I knew a few years ago, she was not avoiding me of out lack of love, she was avoiding me out of the purest form of love possible. She felt like she was a weight and she didn’t want to bring be down with her. I wish I could tell her now that no matter what  pain she came to my door with we could have brought each other up together.

About 6 months before Dani passed my heart had opened and I was beginning my journey into spirituality, universal connectedness and healing from past traumas that have manifested as an eating disorder and anxiety for years. I was in a really good place in my life, I was finally happy, as I am now, with who I am as a person, my loving nature to the core and my contentment with solitude on my own. The only part of my life that I was struggling with was my career direction, worrying about finances, trying to live up to other’s expectations and the materialism of the world I live in. But I am working through it now. Losing Dani has helped me see differently, I live differently now. I scrolled all the way through our facebook conversations dating back to 2011. Dani had messaged me something once, ‘I want to feel like I don’t work a day of my life because I’ll be doing something I love.” I forget about that conversation with her, and that is what I have been struggling the most with immensely since University graduation. I have had so much fear, about my direction in life, whether I will succeed. I have had self-doubt, manifesting as conversations with myself where I tell myself I am not good enough or capable enough. So physically I have been frozen, in a spiritual transition period where I am not moving physically forward to manifest my visions. Just coming across this message now when I was reminiscing on my memories with Dani is too ironic for it to be a coincidence. I have learned the most life lessons from her, and I feel her with me in everything I do now. I feel a void in my heart, it will never be filled, but I also feel a presence that will never disappear.

The night I found out about Dani’s passing was a strange one. I had severe anxiety all day at work, I was supposed to go to Jamaica 3 days later. On the drive home from work, I  turned the radio off, sat at a red light and yelled outloud with my arms up facing the sky “OKAY UNIVERSE I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A FCKN SIGN. If  I should stay home from this trip, I need a sign that I will pay attention to. A real sign, not something little. Please I need your help.” Four  hours later I was watching the Notebook by myself as my family was away for the weekend and I got the worst call I’ve ever had to answer. I screamed and sobbed and I have NEVER felt so much emotion in my body in my entire life. I almost broke a vase and I wanted to throw plates and smash them everywhere. I’ve never felt such an urge in my life. I called my mom and she offered to come home immediately from their trip, I actually wanted to be alone. It felt good to just  cry and yell and express myself without anyone else to answer to there. Then my beautiful friend Colleen came to sleep with me, thank you Colleen for just being you. It’s been almost seven months since May 21^st. But my grieving is in no way aware of timing. For the visitations and funeral I created a bunch of art, I ordered memoirs of Dani for my room, I got my tattoo designed and created in memory of Dani. I was physically doing, because it felt good. I would cry, mostly in the car and at yoga, and I was doing the best I could. I went through a period after that where I just denied it completely. I avoided thinking about her, I physically did what I had to do during the days and nights and I just kept putting one foot forward at a time. Then a few months after that I had a two week break-down where I just wanted to cry every single day. Grieving has no time line. The missing piece never gets filled, I believe we just learn to cope and if we are open to connection in the spiritual world we will see the signs, and feel them through our entire being. Dani has shown up for me  through songs on the radio, songs in savasana at the yoga studio, spontaneously showing up as her hockey # on the  yoga mat beside me, blowing a photo of herself onto the floor in front of my toes, and so much more. The most beautiful thing of all she is doing though is connecting me to beautiful people with open hearts. I have recently been connected to two beautiful women in the last week, through a job opportunity who have experienced significant losses and they are on a healing mission in their lives just like I am. I just met them, but I have known their hearts my entire life. In the last 6 months alone I have made new friends who I know will  be forever friends because they are genuine souls who I was meant to meet.

Dani is with me every day now because I am going to live a life where my job is not a chore, I am going to make an impact in each and every way I can. I am going to remember to fragility of life and how much it means to live each moment with a thankful heart. I  am not going to respond as if I am hurt when the people I love push me away, because I now know they do not want to be a burden so it is up to me to show up for them, even if they act like they don’t want it. I am never going to shrink and worry about using my voice again, because my voice is meant to be loud. Just like I told Dani a year ago, don’t give up on yourself & I’m never ever going to give up on you.

Dear Dani,

I love you. Farewell, for now <3

Living in Alignment

I haven’t been writing as much lately, and I thought it was because I wasn’t sure what to write about. I couldn’t figure out what topic would interest people, and I didn’t want to write about just anything for the sake of writing. I like to write with a purpose. We need to want to live the same way, with a  purpose. 

I have never experienced so much personal growth as I have in the last year, and then the last couple of months mellowed out into a stagnancy stage it felt like. Perhaps a waiting period. I felt completely changed but I wasn’t sure how to continue improving, I hate to admit it but I was stuck. Then it all hit me at once. My personal transformation thus far had been in my frame of mind. How I view myself, how I view others, my self-love, my personal process for dealing with stress, my ability to forgive myself-  all of these things have come around 360 degrees.  What hasn’t actually changed yet is me stepping out of my comfort zone and moving forwards with projects in my life that inspire me. How often do you think of something and go, “WOW what a great idea that would be so cool I bet people would love that. I would love that myself.” Then about an hour later it’s become a distant memory, because A. who has time to start a project like that? B. where would you even start, I mean you have no background whatsoever in that. C. I don’t really have time for that, I have work, my hobbies and my relationship to balance already… 

We go through our whole lives with magnificent ideas that we either brainstorm about for hours, or they just seemingly randomly pop into our heads and it’s like the game plan was sent from the heavens above- but we don’t follow through with it. We are socialized to think small. We are taught to figure out where we “fit in” in the systems of our society, to do our part and live in the boundaries. Our school system fails us in teaching us how to be creative. We actually don’t even need to be taught this, think of how creative our children naturally are. But what do we do? We tell them that the way they answer this problem is incorrect because it doesn’t fit the standardized school required response. So we will fail them until they learn to give us the answer WE WANT, regardless if the answer they got their own creative way was also right. In my life although I am spiritually a reborn person through my personal growth, I am still living physically stagnant. I am not making choices every day to take chances to try to put my creative ideas in motion. I realized last night it is simply fear holding me back. Although fear is a single word, it manifests in our minds in so many different ways, and the number one form of self-talk it translates to is excuses. My excuses right now are: 1. I don’t have any background in that whatsoever so it doesn’t make sense for me to do that. 2. It will take me so much time, I don’t have that time (But really I have SO much time). 3. These are just fantasies, I’m not good enough to actually succeed in that. Stop for a minute and reflect on what your self-talk sounds like, related to anything at all in your life. Even better, practice stopping every time you witness your internal dialogue starting to sound like a negative intruder (I’ve written about this before but it’s so crucial to our self-growth).

 

I have personally decided to take on a new creative project but I have yet to take the first physical steps to get it into motion. It’s funny because when I say the sentence “I like to be creative and create” it immediately brings up so much negative self- talk. The voice tells me that I was never good at art or design growing up so who do I think I am trying to do that? The voice seems to think I fit only in the box of an athlete again, that label that stuck to me for years that I clung to for a little taste of identity because I had no clue who I was without it. School makes us think that we have to find something to be good at, so we can practice at it to become great.  But school doesn’t tell us  that we can be great at anything and everything. We can do more than one thing. We can make our living doing things that are not on the “Career Path Personality Test”. Personally my next steps moving forward are going to involve actually physically taking risks that are outside my comfort zone to propel my new creative ideas and if I fail that is ok because there is no such thing as failure, I will take a lesson and I will never label it a loss.

This brings me to my next topic which still relates to getting out of your own way. Where in your life are you living out of alignment? Don’t dismiss this question lightly, because if you do so much dysfunction will manifest in various ways and it may not feel like it is hurting you at first. But then one day it will just consume you. I have noticed my eating disorder tendencies rising again in the last little while, not nearly as bad or habitual as my past, but the thoughts and rare actions feel like steps backwards. And although I can self-forgive now a lot more openly, I now like to assess why I believe I am leaning on this habitual way of being, this crutch. I realize I have been holding my voice in again, because of fear of confrontation and giving people the benefit of the doubt that they will follow through with their word. I also realize I have been trying to re-kindle and nurture connections that do not fuel me with anything other than anguish and resentment. But I deny that truth in my head and my internal dialogue attempts to make up a story-line that fits with my growth. But I know I’m lying. You do too. You know the truth. Where in your life are  you making choices that do not contribute to your dream life. The process is really simple but most times actually putting it in motion is not easy. The three steps are:

1. Ask yourself what you want to manifest LONG-TERM in your life and write it down.

 2. Meditate or reflect on your current place in your life. Your job, your circle, your romantic relationship, your hobbies, your food choices, etc.
3. Write down what needs to be removed from your life regardless of what emotions this brings up for you.

It may not be what you imagine yourself physically doing yet, but write it down and read it out loud. You will intuitively IMMEDIATELY know where in your life you are holding on to something that is holding you back. We all do it. We continue with our habitual ways of being because they are what we know. Even if they drain our energy and cause us anxiety, it is a place we have found comfort and it is easier to avoid the truth and stay in that situation than face the truth that it does NOT align with our ideal life. The most common example I can think of is in romantic relationships. I know so many people who have been with their partner for however long, and they are no longer happy. But they are still there, they are not going anywhere. They wonder “Hmmm I wonder if I would meet anyone better if I left. I’m tired I don’t really want to go through the whole getting to know someone phase again, it’s exhausting. This person knows my whole family too.” The internal dialogue may be a bit different but the underlying thought process is the same. People will stay with liars, abusers, cheaters, people who have completely different values and life goals than them, simply because it is a habit. Break your damn habits if they don’t make you happy. That is the bottom line. Yes it is scary, but living a life in a shell that does not fill you with joy every single day is so much worse. This goes for anything in your life. Your job, your party-lifestyle, your hermit lifestyle- ANY DAMN THING THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY AND DOES NOT GROW YOU NEEDS TO GO. 

This three step process, if followed to a T will help you create a life of alignment. Remove any and everything that does not connect to your major life goals and stop giving in to immediate gratification, its effects run out fast and leave you feeling like an empty human. Our planet is currently in Mercury Retrograde right now which means the energy is a bit crazy, hay-wire and backwards. This topic is super long in itself, check out: http://astrostyle.com/mercury-retrograde/ for more info. I was researching how this will affect many of us during this December time period and I found that topic of returning to past ways of being for a while is  common in this period, but it is to bring us personal closure. That couldn’t be any more accurate in terms of my own personal experience and I love when the universe sends me signs like that. I have been stepping backwards in some areas of my life and it is bringing up my eating disorder because it is habitually how I try to gain some control over my life when it feels haywire. So when I cannot control how others treat me, or heal everyone around me, I resort to trying to control and micro-manage my food which only ends up as binging and starving periods. All of us have something we resort to when we feel out of control or lost in our lives. Some examples are alcohol, drugs, partying, hooking-up, over-exercising, eating disorders, over-sleeping, etc. So we need to all ask ourselves these questions. Where in your life are  you in your own way? What can you eliminate so you are more in alignment with your deepest self? What is your step by step list for completely this spiritual de-cluttering? Now just do it, no matter what it brings up for you in the moment I promise that in the future it will bring you internal peace, the rainbow comes after the storm my friends.

love you all, please don’t hesitate to reach out

xox

Food is Medicine

Have you ever had any personal experiences with a doctor(s) in our traditional medical system that made you question W T F is really going on here? I have, a few times, back-to-back in 2016 and it was through those horrible experiences that my awareness opened and I was drawn towards Functional Medicine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful we have healthcare covered in Canada. But our system is not perfect and like every system it has some MAJOR flaws.

Functional medicine seeks to determine the root of health issues and provides way more than symptom relief  through personal changes in lifestyle, which includes: DIET*, exercise, sleep, etc. Our traditional medical system is more concerned with covering up your symptoms, a classic example is the use of birth control for painful periods, acne, etc. When you logically think about it for a second, doctors and our entire medical system are part of a multi-billion dollar industry. Would they be making any money if we weren’t sick? What if all of us changed our entire lifestyle for the better, would the system survive?

I’m going to start with some simple background knowledge to get the blog going. In our gut, there is so much bacteria, and if we are healthy the bacteria is mostly helpful. We have around 500 different strains of bacteria in our gut. When we take antibiotics, over-eat processed foods, are stressed, sleep less, etc, our healthy gut microbiome decreases significantly. If our body is balanced, around 85% of the species of bacteria will be healthy.  There’s evidence from scientific studies now that gut microflora can even be altered up to 4 years after antibiotics are taken. Not to mention there are many  herbal remedies for bacterial infections that are equally or more effective for healing our bodies but we don’t even know about them because our first steps when we are sick are into a conventional doctor’s office. Did you know that 70-80% of our immune system is connected to our gut?  But students in med school get LESS THAN 20 HOURS OF EDUCATION IN NUTRITION. SO WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY IS IT NOT DOCTORS NUMBER ONE PRIORITY TO PASS ALONG INFORMATION ABOUT NUTRITION, NOT ONLY TO ERADICATE PEOPLES SYMPTOMS BUT ALSO TO PREVENT DISEASE? If we know that so much of our immunity is directly linked to our gut health then why is that not a priority in our education systems, through media outlets and through medical centers? I don’t know how to answer those questions because it’s absurd. Heart Disease and Diabetes are epidemics in this generation and the advice doctors give, even if it is given with the best intention, is missing so much important information.

The disconnect is actually so mind-blowing it infuriates me writing about it. Chronic constipation increases risks of health issues and diseases because your body is harbouring bacteria that is meant to be expelled as soon as possible. On a positive note though, the widespread use of probiotics is growing because the benefits are more documented now. Fermented foods are also a great source of healthy bacteria, such as kefir, kimchi, tempeh, etc.  Based on my personal experience, probiotics have significantly helped my digestive health. But when I first started taking them I had horrible stomach issues- pains, diarrhea, bloating and more. I almost convinced myself my body was too sensitive for them but I stuck it out for a couple months and I have never felt better. I can’t accurately say whether this period of detox was only related to the intake of probiotics though. At the same time I had cut out meat, most of gluten and most dairy as well. I had also started to eat fruits again (which have a lot of fibre) daily, which I hadn’t done in years. I had a fear of fruits, one doctor once told me to “cut out fruits they’re too high in sugar.” I already had an eating disorder at that point, so that recommendation was easy for my brain to accept as the ultimate reality, and to be honest I feared fruits for like two years. I possibly would eat one type of fruit, once or twice a week and that was it. That is such a myth, a  horrible misconception. Our body does not take the fruit from sugar to harm us, the same way table sugar does. I’ve noticed based on my own experience with that hell year of health issues that I knew more about nutrition than two doctors did themselves just based on my own curiosity and online pub-med research. 

This blog is basically an introduction because I plan to write more on health-related topics after I spend time researching and documenting the data from studies. I feel like a purpose I have in life is to spread truth, and now that my eyes are so open there is no possible way for me to close them and look the other way without at least getting some of the knowledge out there for others to absorb and reflect on. Movement is medicine. But MORE importantly, food is medicine. Doing your own research for your health when you feel something is off, or when you feel like the answers you are getting aren’t the full truth should be your priority always. There are natural cures well documented for so many ailments, our ancestors believed in our connection to Earth’s  gifts for healing.

I do not have any formal education on these subjects, however I have started to personally research in my own free time out of interest and self-love. @thehealthymelissa (INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT) is a student of functional medicine and I have learned so much from her posts as well as her blog account. Likewise, the @medicalmedium has written 3 great books so far on natural healing, how foods are medicine, and how our medical community is often unaware of how much dormant viruses are to blame for a lot of medical mysteries, such as thyroid disease. I will continue to follow natural health practitioners to learn more and I encourage you to open up to the possibility of doing the same, for you and your families well-being. Knowledge is power. Some other great accounts to follow are:

Instagrams: @organicolivia @wellfedwomen @cleanbeanie @wholefoodwholeyou

I’m going to be writing more about health topics going forward on many subjects! Many of the things we deem “normal” are only normal because they have been repeated and accepted as just the way things are. Sometimes it takes critical examination of  your habits to really see what’s normal is always changing, and just because something is normal, does not mean it is helping us heal. Just because conventional medicine is what we’re used to now, that doesn’t mean we should depend on it. I know what it’s like to crave foods, to want dessert, to eat packaged meat every day, to think doctors know everything. I also know what it’s like to be mimicked in peer groups on the subject of health and in terms of eating disorders as well. But the more I become aware of how much authority we have in our lives to create wellness, the more I only care how I feel and how I think, regardless of what others have to say. You can take steps every day, focusing on what you put in your body to completely transform your way of being  and how you experience life- not only to impact the way you feel, but also the way you think and look. I’m excited to keep learning, and I'm excited to keep writing.

Practical Steps to Reduce Anxiety

I’ve written a lot of spiritual and self-growth blogs so far that I hope have reached many of you and positively impacted your perception of yourself. I also decided recently that I’m going to write some entries on lifestyle changes and what I have done in my life to live more balanced on a daily basis. I go through ups and downs, on a weekly basis, just as everyone else but I have experienced periods where I feel complete trust that the universe has my back and that my journey is the way it is so that I can pass on what I’ve learned so others can find peace as well. I think it's important for me to start by saying that just because I write about topics like these that doesn't mean that I have overcome my own personal struggles. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite but then I remind myself that it is through those who struggle openly, and write to express that experience, that I can authentically help others too, while I continue to try to help myself. 

As we finally are collectively bring awareness to mental health and the stigma that limits our growth, I am individually also confronting ways of being that limit me. The same way that once I bring awareness to what causes anxiety for me, everyone reading this can do the same, although it does require us to do the work and do it with self-compassionate patience. Personally I was seeking some additional help from a psychotherapist to help my challenge deep rooted subconscious beliefs that I may not be able to get over myself, and it was very helpful. However I have post-phoned that for now because it is very expensive and I do feel that I can put in some extra effort to continue to explore my own limiting ways of being and self-heal. Ultimately though I would like some external support eventually, hopefully through the medical system coverages, but I will have to re-apply for that. It’s funny because growing up we’re always made to believe that psychologists are only for “the crazies”. When really and truly we could all benefit from seeing someone who is trained in understanding the mind, because although our mind is ours, they can help us see the workings of our mind in new ways.  Not to mention, that “the crazies” is a horrible label for people who are struggling because we are all human and we all need help. 

As I continue on my journey of self-healing I’ve been prioritizing recognizing when my anxiety spirals out of control and how I react, usually through a form of self-sabotage so then I can focus all my attention on regaining and healing from that (for me it’s usually  related to food but can take other forms as well). But everyone has  something that they turn to when stress overwhelms them- sex, food, recklessness, drugs, over-sleep, etc. The number one thought that creeps into my mind that makes me go crazy is the question: what if I don’t find my purpose in life, and I just live mundanely, end up settling and never experience true happiness that is sustainable? I’m practicing reminding myself that a question like that cannot be simply answered, it will be lived, and so I have to live each day passionately and in the present because I’ll never answer it by having an anxiety attack. Likewise, the fact that I’m even letting this question rule my life right now is proof that I will not let myself live that way. For this blog I’m going to go in some depth on what physical changes I have made to help me ease my anxiety, so that you can try them for yourself.

1. When I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind-created worries I try to choose a Yin activity (the balance of Yang) which is the feminine and cooling of energetics of the physical self. Both males and females need a balance of ying and yang. Some yin activities include but are not limited to: reading, writing, meditating, being in nature, walking, playing cards, being present, not rushing. Personally I go on regular walks through the paths and forests because I find it especially calming and I look at nature in a way more grateful way than I did growing up. The number one change I’ve made in my daily activities is trying not to rush. I walk slower now, I relax more and I breathe. On the other hand, sometimes a Yang activity is so necessary too. I recently have fallen back in love with ice hockey because the speed and power I feel when I play is unmatchable. My focus is solely on the game at hand and I can fully escape my over-thinking. Its crucial to know though that this is not a permanent avoidance technique. Too much of one vs. the other is never what we need.

2. Include more nutrient dense and natural foods in your diet. I know sweet treats, fast foods and chips are tempting but start to pay more attention to the QUALITY of foods you are putting in your body rather than the QUANTITY. I used to often restrict calories but ate whatever I wanted within that restriction, but all the additives and basically excuse my language, but shit, in the “food like products” we eat  do not promote balance in our bodies and throw everything out of wack. I started with letting go of my fear of fats. Avocados, coconut oil, and nuts all provide healthy fat which our body NEEDS!!! I also started to include a lot more fruit, which I used to avoid. So on a daily basis for example I might have: an apple, melon (cantaloupe and honey dew), bowl of blackberries, etc. I notice a huge difference when I significantly amp up my intake of veggies as well (which I need to re-focus on) such as spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, mushrooms, etc. All of which I lightly steam. I’m going to try to eat more complex carbs that are non-inflammatory as well, such as spelt pasta, sweet potatoes, etc. I will write about that in the future.

3. Regulate your sleep schedule. I don’t know how I used to do it, but sometimes I would stay up all hours of the night and have a nap. Now I literally am excited to sleep most nights by 10:30 pm and I wake up early feeling fresh and ready for the day (MOST days hahah). Sleep is crucial for your entire being to achieve balance, especially your immune system and hormones.

4. Supplement Vitamin D. Especially in the winter because almost all of us who experience the lack of sunlight and warmth are deficient. Lack of  Vitamin D has been linked to many hormonal imbalances as well.

5. Lavender oil. This magical essential oil is my little escape when I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed. You can rub some on your wrists and/or purchase a diffuser so you can lightly pump this freshness into your room. There are also mixtures and recipes with other oils that can help too.

6.  Write a gratitude list. Speak of your joys and focus in on how much you are blessed with in this life. Sometimes it feels like our brains are hard-wired to  bounce back to what is worrying us, what we need to plan for or what we lack. But if we can focus on changing our frame of reference we can literally transform our state of being in that moment, and that is  so powerful. Mainstream media and even traditional medicine seems to like to define us as helpless and in need of external assistance all the time, which includes labeling and often medical invention through prescription. I really believe using pills blocks our bodies naturally signaling and ability to heal itself. By no means do I judge anyone who turns to the medical system for  help because I have never been in anyone’s shoes but my own, and every one is on a different journey of healing. I just truly believe that our body is on our own side and we are blunting our self-connection through dependence on pharmaceuticals.

7.  Lie on your back, feel your heart, and just breathe. When I  started practising yoga regularly I realized I did not breath properly, and most of us don’t.  If you can take the time to inhale deeply (while feeling your belly rise for 3-5 seconds), pause for 3 seconds, then exhale deeply (feel your belly sink for 3-5 seconds) and you literal give yourself the time to do this for 10 breathes minimum, I guarantee when you open your eyes and stand up you will feel different. After you experience that you can take this little breathing technique with you everywhere you go. Since most of us breathe very shallowly it’s almost as if we are slightly-hyperventilating all day and we are not bringing is as much oxygen to our brains as our body would like. That is why yoga itself is so powerful, because no matter what flow or sequence you engage in, if you focus on your breath and let it be louder than your thoughts you will rise after feeling like you have been re-born.

8. Engage and track your monthly  cycle (if you identify as a woman). There are times during the month when you are more prone to higher levels of anxiety because of hormonal changes, and knowing when they are coming and how to prepare for them can really help you. I wrote a previous block on menstrual cycle awareness and I have already learned so much more since then. I recommend looking up the author: Alexandra Pope. She recently published a new book with Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer called “Wild Power: Discover the Magic of Your Menstrual Cycle and Awaken the Feminine Path to Power.” Our lives are literally all cyclical, from the moon cycles to the season. Yet somewhere along the way the divinity in the menstrual cycle has been forgotten and most women nowadays are completely out of touch with their bodies. Most women hate the changes in mood they experience and dread the pre-menstrual phases every time they arrive. But many of the horrible symptoms of our periods are signs that we are out of touch with our bodies and our deepest selves. Through choosing to learn more by reading and daily charting it is actually amazing to learn about how your body works for you and you will start to embrace each phase of your cycle, I promise. There are also many books about the pill and why it is so wrong for our bodies, so if you are on birth control I highly suggest slowly coming off of it and there are many resources to help you learn why and how (Alexandra Pope also writes some).

I’m sure as I continue on my own self-healing journey I will learn more techniques to help that I will share, so I will update my journey down the road.  I  am really excited to continue writing on topics that I feel a lot of people can relate to, but that many are often scared to speak up about. If you want to talk or need support I am just a message away and always here for you, no matter how much we know  each other. I’m so thankful for everyone who has contacted me about my previous writing, to let me know they relate to me and are grateful for my words. It means more to me than you will ever know. We are all in this life journey together, we are all just walking each other home. Let’s hold hands and walk in love.

Xoxo

Your inner-dialogue and your relationship with yourself

Have you ever stopped mid-thought and realized the voice in your head is relaying information to you on a negative vibration? That’s truly the first step to  bringing awareness to how our thoughts shape our relationship with ourselves, but it’s easier said than done. We spend our entire lives with the voice in our head that speaks to us, so we have been conditioned to accept it as “I”. This voice must be your innermost self right? The self that directs you in life, the self that helps you make decisions, the self that determines what stresses you out vs. what you can release freely. The scary thing is we’ve become so connected to this voice that we often don’t even take an extra second to reflect on how often this voice is putting us down vs. lifting us up. What if I told you this voice isn’t really you, because the real you is cool, calm and collected in all circumstances, just observing the flow of life, with no judgements at all. 

Our self-talk has become so engrained in our lives that we don’t even question it as we grow into adults because we’ve become so used to it’s presence since we were children. It’s just our own voice in our minds, it’s not a random intruder voice that requires mental illness intervention, or a deceased loved one trying to send us a message, it’s just us, so we say. But if we can dig a bit deeper beyond the surface and actually invest effort into bringing awareness to how our inner dialogue flows on a daily basis we can learn some seriously valuable lessons. For one, we can start to notice how often this voice that speaks to us tells us we cannot do something. You are not good enough. You are not beautiful enough. You must shrink back into our comfort zone. You must remain quiet to avoid stirring the pot. This is the best you can get. You can’t do this. Who do you think you are? The crazy thing about these thoughts is that we believe them. We listen to them without a second  thought. We shrink and we silence ourselves without even even entertaining the possibility that this voice has no credit. Do you really think that the true you would tell you that you are incapable? Or that you are unworthy of love? Or that are you not going to succeed? Those type of thoughts are not you, they are a voice inside you that has manifested as self-doubt and fear- a voice that lives inside you and becomes stronger when we let it tell us what we are worth idly. Even when we become aware of the voice of fear it still takes practice to identify and eliminate it’s control over us it every time it tries to over-power our thoughts.

But when we make a conscious decision to put in that effort, we improve because practice makes permanent. It becomes easier to respond to fear before it gains momentum and sway over us the more we confront it with confidence and understanding. That way instead of letting fear get a few sentences in edge-wise, we can bring awareness to it right when we feel it rising in us and consciously choose to change our frame of reference, or even just let the thought flow through us but remain unattached. There are many beautiful results that will come with practicing this way of being.

For myself, that first result I am noticing is that I am having way less issues establishing boundaries in all my connections to others. I’ve always been a conflict-avoider, even if it meant internally struggling or silencing myself out of avoidance. But the more I practice identifying fear as an intruder the more I realize that boundaries are absolutely crucial to establish and defend because that is the only way to grow in respectful, equal and positive relationships. When I am fail at being open and upfront about my boundaries it is like an invitation for others to take advantage, never meet me halfway and from there connections always take a turn for the worst. That’s not to say it’s always another’s fault for this change of pace. It is just as equally my fault for silencing myself and holding back my words out of fear. Remember, others can’t read our minds and if we fear speaking up to communicate we are contributing to the break-down of our relationships because the dynamic will change and we will be disconnected. To avoid conflict with others in our lives by silencing ourselves is the beginning of an internal war which can lead to feeling of anxiety, helplessness, loss of control and more. Imagine we just all practiced saying how we truly feel, with compassion, so that everything is out in the open.

Another positive outcome I am noticing is that I am living more true to myself in all ways. It’s about saying yes when I know deep in my soul that it is right, and saying no when there is any hesitation because my intuition always knows best, so does yours. When I listen to the voice of fear I live in an anxious place where I am more worried about living small, trying to find a regular 9-5, dating just so I’m not “alone”, devoting my spare time to activities that I feel I am obliged to attend, etc. Whatever it is for you, you will notice when you are just going about your days as if everything feels like a duty. It is such an freeing feeling to say No to shit you don’t want. “No, I am going to seek the career of my dreams and although it is outside the box I don’t want to live in this damn box anyways.” “I don’t feel a connection with this guy I’m seeing so I’m not going to waste either of our time just because I fear loneliness.” “I don’t want to go to this party, I need alone time to re-fuel.” These are all examples of how my external world begins to change when I do what I need to, for the deepest part of myself, and it brings into my existence a serenity that is hard to put into words.

Furthermore, the more we allow this voice of fear to flow through us, just observing it with no judgements attached, the more we can dissociate from it, thus removing it’s power over us. Then without even knowing how we’re doing it we start to attract opportunities from every direction that are meant for us because we are living in total alignment. It might be a new hobby, new friends who feel like soulmates, a career change, a powerfully positive relationship, or anything else that lights us up from the inside out. The universe is entirely made of energy, we are extensions of this vast beautiful place- beings made of life energy. When we align ourselves and find balance in our being, we are flowing, and at ease in whatever we face.  This is not the same as living easy. This doesn’t mean that life will be easy, it means that we can take what comes to us and face it with strength, as well as compassion for ourselves, and we will create ease on our journeys of self-love.

Our lives are built on our decisions, and how we make decisions is reflective of our inner dialogue that guides us through our days. If we are not present in our own mental dialogue then we will feel like victims, like we have no say in who we are to be. We will feel disconnected from meaning. We will feel powerless and start to settle. Do not settle for anything in this life. You are destined for greatness, however you define greatness, it is yours. The voice of self-doubt is a sneaky one, and if we let her, she will rule our lives. So how about today you decide you are going to start to bring awareness to how often she speaks to you. When she tells you to play small, observe and then instead of arguing with her or becoming angry at yourself for thinking negatively, just shrug her off and say “nah I’m going for the big leagues baby.”

There is no finish line in ED Recovery

It’s taken me a little while to admit the truth to myself again,  thus it has also taken me a little while to find the  courage to write this post. Epiphanies come to us at various times in our lives, related to any area of our self-growth, but sometimes embracing the lesson and being open to it’s implications is hard. Mental Health awareness is growing, thankfully, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. Likewise, disorders such as eating disorders and addictions tend to be lifelong challenges. They aren't like the flu, that can be debilitating but then you overcome it. They are nagging, long-term and with you constantly even after you have entered recovery phases, which generally look like a yo-yo. The medical system still has so many flaws in terms of  helping individuals with eating disorders as well. For instance, in my circumstances I started a journey of personal healing on my own, without seeking professional help because inpatient programs are only for those who are literally  close to death in severity of eating disorders like anorexia. There is a different kind of stigma associated with ED-NOS (not otherwise specified) and combination ED's like bulimia and binge-eating, that I would classify mine as. I decided a few months ago to ask for some professional psychologist support through my doctor's office and I was given a referral to a psychologist via fax that I was waiting for a reply from. The first problem was that I didn't get a reply for over a month. But the real problem was that they demanded I take a specific blood test before they would even consider making one appointment with me, which was to test for certain markers that signal bodily disruption. I failed that blood test, my results weren't horrible enough for me to deserve some help. In other words, I was not deemed physically sick enough to qualify for professional help for my eating disorder.  This type of denial is seriously fucked up. I'm pretty sure the medical system wouldn't deny someone their right for support in the early stages of diabetes... "Sorry ma'am you're not dying from diabetes yet so you'll have to wait until you are." PFFFF ya right. I hope now that I'm graduated from University I can somehow contribute to improvements in the field because this type of system is just unacceptable. Everyone deserves support, whether it is for a physical or mental illness. If someone is reaching out for help it is because they need it, and turning them away is really just a punch in the face. Thank god for the support I have from my family and close friends, as well as my interest in reading and self-growth that has empowered me to continue on my healing journey independently. I am likely going to pay anyways for some professional or group support because there is no harm in creating a community around you to help you.

 As I’ve finally come out publicly with my blog entry about years of struggling with an eating disorder, this new chapter in my life has brought on novel challenges that I cope with and am learning to overcome. It is a wonderful chapter, sometimes a challenge, but there is always beauty in the struggle. I felt a huge release and weight lifted off my shoulders when I wrote the entry about learning to live in self-love and vowing to quit the unhealthy routine my body had become so used to- limiting calories, binging, over-exercising. Basically I was living in a very unconnected state to my body and her needs.  Right now marks about 4 months of a transitional period where I have drastically  changed my routine and took a break from the gym lifestyle that I had become so accustomed to. I finally reached a place where I haven’t been concerned about how many calories I burn a day. I stopped feeling guilty for not exercising on a daily basis. I only did about 3 minor easy workouts over the course of this time, because I felt like it, and enjoyed it. I started to fuel my body with whole foods, and incorporated a lot more fruit in my diet to help myself get over the false idea that sugar is fruit, so therefore fruit should be limited. During this time period I have felt relatively good and have had a lot of time to self-reflect. I did start to attend hot yoga 4-6 x a week, which is a great combination of physicality and meditation which has transformed my personal ability to retreat inwards during episodes of acute anxiety and find peace through breathing. I did however realize in the last two weeks as I traveled and broke free from that routine that I had started to use yoga as another form of exercise control. I would sometimes attend a hot class when I felt dehydrated and exhausted, ignoring my body’s signals for rest. I know I have an addictive personality and that when I enjoy something so much sometimes I let it take over, but I’m grateful that I can at least identify when this happens and come up with a plan to find more balance.

Over this 2 month time period of basically no intense exercise (no weights, no cardio, no gym) I have lost quite a bit of weight, but it was unintentional,at least I thought. My focus wasn't the number on the scale. At my heaviest about a year ago I was 130 pounds, but this was in the height of my binging and starving patterns. A few months ago I was around 118 pounds and comfortable as I moved into this chapter of self-love. Friends and basically everyone I have run into lately have made comments about how I’m super lean, really tiny, lost a lot of weight, etc. Some say it in a positive way, like a compliment. Others say it in a concerned way. Others say it and then tell me I need to gain some weight back and that I look better thick-muscular. I’ve learned to block out other’s comments as much as a I can, mostly because they’re triggers, even though I know others don’t mean them to be. My conscious goal with moving into this recovery chapter of my life was not to lose pounds or be skinny, but I realize with some self-reflection now that I will likely always have to hear the little voice in my head that reminds me how afraid I am to be fat. Thus, subconsciously I have been limiting my intake of foods that I fear are very calorie dense especially since I am less active. This chapter has been so so soooo beautiful, I have learned so much about myself and I am in a much better place than I have ever been in terms of connectedness to my body, but I am still allowing this little internal voice to boss me around. It says things like: “don’t eat it’s 10 pm and you’re just watching movies aka being inactive.”  Or “you don’t need those potatoes or rice, just have spinach because you don’t do cardio anymore.” Or “you can’t eat dessert because those are unhealthy sugars and you’re not burning enough calories anymore to have leeway in your eating.” I think the hardest part about this voice is that you think it is YOURSELF talking. I think it is I, Ashley, reminding me of my body’s needs and thus is positive by nature. But this voice is not Ashley at all. This voice is an intruder that we will call ED for now to conceptualize it. ED invades my consciousness and tries to have ultimate control. Sometimes ED wins the battle, but I promise she will never win the war. I will always fight back. As I started to identify this  voice and admit that it is not a part of who I am and it does not have good intentions, ED just changed how she was delivering her messages to me. This voice (we all have a voice) disguised herself, which she is very good at, so that I would continue to listen to her and accept her intentions were my own intentions. When you, or I in this case, accept this voice as a part of me, she is winning at this game of deception and doing so in a very sneaky way. 

I started to research healthy eating because of my interests, and also veganism because my sister has transitioned based on environmental sustainability, animal rights and personal health. I became intrigued by the research on the meat + dairy industry, but my reasons were directly connected to personal health. My interest started because of some stomach issues lately that I am trying to determine the cause of, and also skin care because I sometimes struggle with periods of bad breakouts. About a year ago I limited my dairy intake, cut cow milk, cheese and yogurt from my diet completely except when I ate pizza the odd time. In the last few months I completely cut out dairy in all forms, including chocolate and desserts. The past 3 weeks I also cut out eggs and meat. Then about 2 weeks ago I cut out fish too. I was convincing myself that I was making the right choices out of self-love, and connectedness to our beautiful planet Earth. Little did I know that this belief was just ED using her deception to have some new control over me, because her old ways of communicating were now recognizable by my consciousness. She needed to change her form to have an impact on me, thus she did. She was winning the battle again for a bit, just in a different way, she’s good at that. That is not what matters though in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that although she had some control for a period of time I still have an ability to retreat inwards and identify when she is pretending to be “me”, and then practice ignoring her new form. 

Furthermore, the new form of ED was telling me in subtle ways to eat mainly fruits and veggies because that’s the only way to achieve optimal health. I didn’t realize it on a day by day basis but I have basically been restricting myself again and convincing myself it is what I need to do. So this time around ED feels less related to my desire to hit a certain weight on the scale and more about me having some form of control. Although on a mental health level I have never been more comfortable with myself and spiritually in tune I have still not been living free like I aspire to, like I believe we all deserve to. I have slightly noticed that I’ve been losing weight, but it wasn’t until I got back from the Dominican was getting ready attend a wedding in B.C this week that I weighed myself and realized ‘HOLY SHIT I’M 104 POUNDS AND ¾ OF MY CLOTHES DON’T FIT ME AT ALL RIGHT NOW.’ When I realized I weighed that much I made a mental goal to gain about 8-10 pounds back in a healthy way, but also convinced myself that maybe my body is just finding a healthy medium where I am supposed to be. Right? Maybe I’m meant to be this tiny, look at my genetics. My mom is tiny, my nana is tiny. Yes those are both true, but deep down I know the weight I am at right now is not my healthy balanced point. I know this is because I have been listening to ED when she tries to run my nutrition, limits me, enforces rules to follow and demands consistency. I know this because it is not healthy to lose 14 pounds in a 4 week period. I know this because when your menstrual cycle stops, there is an underlying dysfunction causing this. Me convincing myself I’m meant to be THIS tiny was just denial to be completely honest. I have been in denial that my ED is trying to run my life again and that she has been winning.

 Since going partially and then attempting full on veganism, limiting complex carbs and not enjoying any desserts I like I have actually been physically exhausted. I went on a hike last week during a trip and was out of breath walking up a hill. My legs felt like dead weight and I was trying to drag them with each step. I realize I have just done a 360 from over-exercising and binging, to living pretty sedentary and limiting eating. Same ED, different boundaries. Neither are healthy, although mentally I have felt healthier in this phase they are both forms of internal imprisonment and I am ready to win this current battle with ED. Last night I decided “fuck this shit,” literally. I had a Mars chocolate bar, some dark chocolate bark with milk chips, and I don’t even remember what else I had. At first afterwards I felt extremely guilty, especially since I did over-eat a bit and was pretty full. But then I felt so happy and I still feel happy now. This wasn’t a binge, this wasn’t an out of control experience where I couldn’t stop eating. This was a CHOICE to eat what I was craving, to enjoy the sweet smooth taste of chocolate and defy ED’s newfound control over me. This was a night of freedom. Today I have no desire to eat anything sweet, I’m sweetened out LOL, and that’s cool, I’ll eat what I feel like today, guilt-free. I have a bit of a sugar hangover aka headache hahah probably because I have lived with such restriction in the past 1-2 months, but that is what I need right now. That is what is meant for me and that is okay. I feel like this blog could never end because I get in such a flow with writing right after I have a drastic peak in personal awareness. Ditching the diet mentality really needs to be how we live by because then we will start to fuel our body with exactly what it needs to be full, energized and content. There is so much conflicting evidence out there about veganism, paleo, high-carb, low-fat, etc typ of diets. The problem is they are all based on: eat this,  but  don’t eat that. THAT IS THE MOST TRIGGERING MENTALITY, ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH EATING DISORDER TENDENCIES. I am done with all of those. Moving forward I am making three promises to myself and I am writing them in a positive form: 1. I promise to eat what I feel that I want no matter what the nutrition information says on it. 2. I promise that I will only move my body in ways that I love, out of sheer enjoyment. 3. I will prioritize achieving a healthy weight and maintaining it but I know I will achieve this in divine timing.

I’m writing about my experience with my inner demons, the voices that come that are not mine and that I must practice ignoring. I do this for my own personal growth, my own release that I feel through writing. But I also do it for you, anyone reading this. We all have voices that invade our thoughts and try to tell us how to live our lives. Yours may have nothing to do with eating or exercise. Yours may sound like: “You can’t quit that 9 to 5 you’ll never make enough money to live if you do.” Or “you’re not good enough for her to take you seriously don’t even bother trying to get her attention.” Or maybe “You’re not good at art, why would you try taking a painting class?” My point is, no matter what area of your life you’re thinking about there will a voice in your consciousness that is not yours. Start by giving this intruder a name, it makes it easier to differentiate between it and your true self. Only then will you begin to differentiate between the words of truth and those of deception, this is the first step to gaining back your peace of mind. The more you can step back and recognize the thoughts that go through your mind, the more you can learn to detach from the self-limiting ones and zone in on the ones that are peaceful, progressive and positive in nature. There is no finish line to cross here though, this is an ongoing act that you will engage in your entire life. You may become better at blocking out the self-limiting beliefs immediately because you can recognize them faster,  but you will not always live in a state of consciousness entirely free from these intruders. But that in of itself is beautiful, because you are choosing self-love over self-pity or pain when you practice identifying this differentiation. You are choosing to fight for a peaceful connection in your existence and I think that fight is way more amazing than being handed this type of peace on a platter. Like all things, when you work for it and succeed there is no better feeling. So to anyone and everyone reading this, please don’t let intruder thoughts misdirect you in your life, ever. But when they do and you realize this, take back control because it is yours to take. You are capable, beautiful and most importantly WORTH IT so make sure that the voice inside that confirms these truths drowns out all the voices that are preventing you from expanding infinitely. Like always please don’t be afraid to  reach out to me, about anything. Sending peace and love,

Ash.

Our bleeding is a blessing not a burden

I can already imagine the dirty looks and the racing thoughts as people scroll past this title and think to themselves “what kind of blog entry is this…”. Ironically, the old me might have thought the same thing for a moment and maybe I would’ve even chuckled to myself about it. But oh how I’m thankful that times have changed. I am extremely fortunate because when I was introduced to our cycle from mother nature, by my own mother, it was presented as a positive process that we go through as women that enables us to carry and have our own children. I grappled with this idea but ultimately I didn’t agree to it, especially since the world around me had a much different perspective and attitude towards a women’s period. Most of my friends would complain about feeling moody, craving junk food, having cramps, having chest pain, back discomfort, leg cramps and feeling tired. It wasn’t long into my own experience that I struggled with the same symptoms before and during this monthly time, sometimes I even got sick as I’m sure many other women can relate to. But what was even more negative about this monthly experience was my perception of it, as I grew to hate the onset of my period and consider it a curse that women have to deal with unfairly in this life. I started to internalize other’s comments I would hear, about how disgusting having a period is and this was ultimately how I characterized it for myself. Mother nature’s burden made it hard to perform in my sports, an inconvenience when I’m out with friends, a worry related to my options for clothing to wear, and more. It makes me sad to think I spent so much time dreading this gift of femininity and I hope this entry can help some other women see the other side, see that this monthly bleeding is actually the most beautiful gift of all.

Did you know that in many other cultures, women’s periods are celebrated and viewed as divine? I’m not  claiming to be a scholar in this area of research, I have just taken one course at University and done some online research. But this is what I have learned so far, and I think we would all benefit from reading. For instance, one tradition with Native cultures involved the women who were menstruating to go to a separate lodge during the heaviest days of their period to connect with other women and relax. Most women were on their periods at the same time due to the community closeness and connection with the moon so the lodges were often full of many women at the same time. The women in some of these cultures were also to stay away from men during this time because it is sacred and causes imbalances in power relations. The women were not expected to participate in ceremonies or  group relations during their time because it was a time for inner focus, not outward energy sharing. The Cherokee believe menstrual blood is the most powerful source of feminine strength, and could provide protection from enemy forces. Many of the native cultures believe that the menstrual cycle, also referred to as the moon time, is a period of inner purification, of releasing and shedding the old which correlates to the shedding of the uterus. The Indigenous people viewed their women as equal, as powerful life-givers, LEADERS in their communities and the glue of the families in their tribes. It really wasn’t until colonization that many of these traditions and the respect given to women was muted if not completely consumed by the violence and control imposed upon these peaceful communities. This is just some brief insight into the history and beliefs of culture’s separate from my own experience and I’m sure there is much more to be known, as well as many more places around the world who view the women’s cycle as a beautiful process.

The menstrual cycle is often referred to as “moon time” because ancient beliefs correlate the stages with the phases of the moon in typically 28 day cycles. Since women lived in close harmony, many of them ovulated and bled at the same time each month. Historically many women were most fertile during the full moon which was associated with the increase light from the sky and reflection on the plants. These women also typically bleed during the new moon, and this pattern is called the White moon cycle. Ancient folklore claims that women who have this cycle are focused on motherhood either and their period is a time of inner retreat and rest. While a Red moon cycle, where women bleed during the full moon and ovulate during the new moon is associated with being a healer, wise women or shaman. The focus of their intuitive energy during their period is outward- through sharing and teaching. These women may be more focused on creation, community healing, a new creative business, etc. 

Likewise, there are also ancient beliefs that the moon phase you are born in correlates to the time you were fertile. So if you were born during a new moon, often it is believed you will be most fertile in your life during the new moon phases as well. This isn’t always the case, and don’t be alarmed if you research and start to track your own cycles and they don’t line up with these views. It is possible though that if you focus on creating more balance and tuning into your body consistently that your cycle will begin to line up with the phases of the moon. Obviously a lot has changed with our modern lifestyles, artificial lighting, eating habits and more so the synchronicity with others isn’t as evident as possibly our ancestors. I always did find it fascinating though that my best friends who I was around consistently would always get their period at the same time as me, as I’m sure many of the females reading this can also relate to. As long as your  cycle is consistent and not causing you too many symptoms then there is nothing to worry about, it is perfectly right for you. If you are dealing with severe PMS and very painful periods I really recommend you invest some time into reading and meditating to connect with your deeper self. Also exploring eating and exercise habits that you engage in on a daily basis, and journaling what  changes you make to see how they affect you. I can  honestly say I made some changes in my life that have exponentially helped me during my menstrual cycle, so much so that I really don’t have any physical pain or symptoms for the past three months during my period.

1 .    I have decreased the amount of intense exercise I engage in and balanced it with hot yoga. This also means that right before menstruation when I feel that really tired feeling I limit all the activity I engage in.

2 .       Switching to whole-foods for most of my snacks and daily intake (fruits, veggies, nuts, whole-grains) I cut back on meat A LOT (1-2 x/week I’ll eat chicken or turkey, no ham and no red meat

3.       Maintained a regular sleep cycle: I used to stay up all hours of the night, sleep in some days, rise early on the days I had to and I was really exhausted. I now  sleep amazing usually by 10:30- 11:00 pm and I wake up happy before an alarm between 6:30- 7:30 am. Obviously this isn’t maintainable for everyone but prioritizing sleep is a crucial step towards showing your body love.

I swear by the changes I’ve made, I used to get severe back pain, chest throbbing, cramps and more. Now I only occasionally get a light dull back ache and a slight headache. Anyways I got a bit off topic with the original direction of this blog entry which was to help you open your mind and possibly re-frame how you view your cycle. Instead of dreading the onset of your period, start calling it your sacred time. Start giving yourself extra relaxation and self-care time. For me, limiting my social obligations in the pre-menstrual and menstrual phase is a must because although I am always exhausted from superficial social interactions, I actually can’t handle it at all during my most vulnerable time.

I ordered a  book by Alexandra Pope called “The Women’s Quest” which is an amazing workbook with exercises for you to focus on each month in various phases of your cycle that support your self-reflection. The more you work through the exercises and stay consistent with your journal, the more aware  of your energy you become and it really is the most beautiful feeling. You start to recognize just by turning inward where in your monthly cycle you might be and how it is affecting your thoughts, priorities, presence and focus. These are the observations I have made in my own cycle through this book’s guidance and my dedication to investing time to self-reflect and answer the journal questions. There are 12 sessions, so it’s a year process and  you focus on one guide each month, I’m moving onto guide 5. Again I am not claiming to be an expert whatsoever, this is just my own experience combined with some light research to analyze how I feel at various times in the month and what I relate those feelings to. In my journal I have explored the phases on a much more personal level, in depth. However here I’ll just provide some general insight into basic observations I’ve made so far.

1.       Post-Period/Pre-ovulatory: The word I would describe this time is calm. I found I have more of an interest in focusing on fruitful connections, developing trust and progress forward. I find myself very peaceful without any real traces of anxiety, this can be related to estrogen and progesterone being the lowest during this time. In this phase I am more open to future possibility while also being patient in what I believe is meant for me. My pre-ovulatory mind is: open, loving, thoughtful, tranquil and quiet. I find it funny that I can also connect my phases to different interests in my music, and during this phase I really love dancehall music.

2.       Ovulatory: The word I would use to describe this time is engaged/connected. I feel an increased desire to seek emotional closeness and well as physical closeness. I feel more motivated to get ready, go out and I feel an increase in confidence especially in social situations. I feel an anxiety that is strong for a pursuit of some positive forward momentum to manifest into some physical changes in my life. This can also be related to hormonal changes as estrogen rises, which can contribute to an increase in anxiety. I feel like I always need to be doing something, investing in progress and making efforts to improve my life. This time of the month I usually spend extra time planning long term goals and imagining the future. My skin usually is glowing during this time and I experience way less breakouts except sometimes the hormonal changes can cause a couple noticeable spots. The music I found that I like during this time really rotates between all types, usually upbeat dancehall and hip hop.

3.       Pre-menstrual: I found that I seek out comfort in solitude more. I have no patience for superficial social time. My body and soul is calling for surrender, stillness and slowness in daily living. I find that constantly reminding myself that this is my sacred time and it is indefinitely valuable to me. There is a lot of hormonal changes going on as progesterone has increased by now and you may even begin to feel more hot during this time because your core temperature is increased through this hormone. Likewise this is the time of the month where many women experience moodiness, random anger, etc and severe PMS(pre-menstrual syndrome) is actually associated to a hormonal imbalance, when there isn’t enough progesterone. Sometimes breakouts increase and stay into the next phase however changing my intake of daily foods has tremendously helped me with skin issues. I definitely notice a shift in food cravings, usually for sweet treats and sometimes salty but since changing to a whole-foods lifestyle focus they have also decreased tremendously. I don't drink at all anymore, but choosing to cut back or completely eliminating alcohol intake ESPECIALLY  during this time is also a very positive choice. I tend to like slower music such as happy reggae or soulful r&b.

4.       Menstrual: I can almost always predict now a day/night before the release is going to occur and I can’t really put into words why/how, I just know. Let’s call it a women’s intuition. A huge release of tension and emotional anxiety accompanies this period of time for me. This is likely associated to the balancing of the hormones which are also at low levels during this phase. I consciously choose to give my body the extra rest it needs especially during the transition from pre-menstrual to menstrual. Focusing on eating foods that don’t include meat especially during this time can help your symptoms, as well as avoiding salty foods so you limit bloating. It’s also amazing how much more intuitive I feel  during this transition, my dreams are much more vivid and I can finally remember them again. Likewise I feel like I can pick up on people’s subtle energy changes a lot more easily so it’s important for me to visualize a protective bubble around my own energy. I cut down on my physical activity for a couple days and also drink more fluids. During this time I often like to listen to music such as: Ed Sheeran, meditation flow, etc. 

It really is incredible when you direct your attention internally to learn more about yourself. It might be overwhelming at first to focus on changing your entire view of your cycle especially if you always had a negative orientation towards it. I hope in the future we can, as mothers, consciously choose to discuss and teach our daughters about the beautiful process their bodies go through each month, because there is no better word to describe our moon time. Mother nature blessed us with this beautiful pattern in our lives because we are life-carriers, life-givers and life-sustainers. How beautiful is it that our body creates and maintains a rhythm that is specific to us as unique women. If your cycle is not regular or if you  don’t even experience a period that is okay, that is what you need right now and you can still focus inward to  connect more  to your femininity and explore your connection with yourself. Likewise, this entire self process does not really work if you are on hormonal birth control because these substances block our bodies natural feedback loops and ultimately impact way more than our ovulation. This is also a topic of exploration for another day, but I highly recommend that you take some time to research more and then make an informed decision for your health on whether  hormonal birth  control is necessary in your life. There have been links to strokes, cancer, blood-clots and death- so even if you don’t have an extreme negative outcome  think about the stress you are placing your body under. You may experience side effects that are unwanted at first if  you choose to detox from hormonal birth control, but like everything, in time it will pass. In this modern time we have become so unconnected to our bodies that when we experience anxiety, negative physical manifestations and more we may not understand that we have the amazing ability and power to turn inwards. Mother nature’s bleed is going to be with you for many of the years of your life, it is not a curse, it is not a burden, it is one of our greatest blessings and all you are required to do to embrace this view through changing your frame of mind. Bleed on sisters, it is truly beautiful <3 xoxo

As always please don’t hesitate to message me if you want to talk about this or any other topic.

Ash