The dark side of fitness

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a title for this article and I can’t seem to find a word or a phrase to sum it up. I feel like no title will give this experience justice because it’s depth goes beyond what a few words could cover. Mental health is the over-arching topic, an area we are finally speaking up about and taking seriously in our society; as depression and anxiety are on the rise. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever opened up about but I am finally ready because I no longer let fear stop me from saying what needs to be said.

It all started the year I quit competitive hockey when I was 16. I had played since I was 7 and I was playing 6+ times a week, sometimes training multiple times in a day on 3 different teams. Not to mention I had soccer training throughout those months too. That year I decided I was done with hockey, for reasons unrelated to this article, and so I started to worry about how fat I would get once I stopped training so hard, so often. This single worry escalated into me worrying every single day about how many calories I was burning, whether I was eating too much and trying to determine how I could match personal workouts to the intensity of my hockey training. At first, I tried cutting meals out entirely, so I would skip breakfast. I planned to eat a small lunch, some raw vegetables for a snack and then dinner with my family. Then I escalated to cutting my lunch portion in half, and avoiding snacks entirely. I was still working out about 5x a week on my own and I was starving my body but convinced that I was going to get obese if I ate more. Then the binging started. I was starving myself to the point that my body was desperate for food. I would hit my lowest, and lose all control and eat everything I could find in an emotional frenzy, often in secret. I was so ashamed, disgusted and overwhelmed with myself, so I would plan to starve myself for the next 1-3 days and then start a new diet plan so I could maintain or even lose some more weight.

When University started this cycle only intensified, because of the additional pressures of first year as well as my overwhelming fear of failure. My starving and binging cycles continued, and I started to workout twice or more a day because it was my remedy for stress and also an opportunity for me to burn calories, which was on my mind 24.7. For some distorted reason I was convinced that if I achieved the body of my dreams my entire life would be fine. University would be easy for me, I wouldn’t have anxiety anymore, my relationship problems would solve themselves, and I would live happily ever after. Somewhere in the mess of my reality I wanted to limit the calories my body stored even more, so I tried purging as well. It worked sometimes for me, but not often, so I resorted to laxatives. This only made my anxiety and depression so much worse. I could barely function throughout the day because I was severely dehydrated, exhausted, and not absorbing the nutrients I needed to be healthy. Reflecting on the lowest lows of my eating disorder I honestly don’t know how I had the motivation to train so hard and put my body through so much when it was just crying for rest, self-love, patience and healing.

I would go through ups and downs throughout the years, and when I was up I would convince myself I was over this eating disordered phase of my life. The times when I was able to find a middle ground I felt like I had broken the negative cycle, but ultimately food still ran my life. I would count every calorie, read every package, over-exercise, feel guilty if I missed a workout, “start over on Monday”. My obsession with fitness started to control my life and it became my number one priority. I would spend almost three hours in the gym, most days of the week. I would cancel plans with friends and family because I needed to go back to the gym. I judged myself entirely based on my body and no matter what I achieved I was never satisfied with how I looked, or felt. If I had to miss a workout because of work, or a family obligation I would skip a meal because that was just necessary for me to feel in control. One time when I got off my flight at 1 am from a trip, I drove to a 24-hour gym because I felt guilty for taking a few days off and I forced myself to workout even though I hadn’t slept. I would make excuses, new plans, new diets, new workouts all just to make me feel like I was improving, like I was going to be in control because if I could get control then my life would be perfect. I only fluctuated between 115-130 pounds at my heaviest so although I was struggling immensely on the inside, on the outside it would appear like everything was fine. I know I did a great job at hiding it from almost everyone. 

I was in such denial that I needed help, not only because I knew many people knew me as “the girl who loves fitness”, but because I hate asking for help, it makes me feel weak. Over and over again I would convince myself I could break this cycle on my own, because I had let myself fall into it entirely on my own right? Wrong. Yes, my choices, actions and consequences are my responsibility but I know the bigger picture influenced me. From an early age we are taught as young females to compare ourselves to others around us based on our looks and body size. I remember watching cartoons, disney movies, playing with barbies, looking at skinny older girls and hoping I would look like them. Then the magazines, celebrity interests and models at clothing stores perpetuate this idea that the normalized thin body is desirable and crucial to be worthy of love; not only from others but from ourselves. We blindly, even subconsciously internalize the notion that our worth is directly relatable to our weight on the scale or our body shape in the mirror. Who knew such a corrupt and distorted concept would run my life for so many years. I know it’s not just me, many of us females alike are surfing Instagram looking at fitness models. We try to copy their workout regimes, even purchase their plans, buy  into diets, feel guilty when we treat ourselves, write down our goal weight and wait to celebrate the day we achieve it.

What if we start to celebrate now? Celebrate who you are right now, no matter the number on the scale. Celebrate your smile, your achievements, your patience, your finesse. Celebrate your strengths, your career advances, your entire life.  If you are overweight, experiencing health problems and want to change so you can improve your quality of life, then YES YOU GO GIRL. If you want to start working out to increase your confidence, then PUT WORK IN. But we need to join together as a unified force and stop this pursuit of the “perfect body” when it means sacrificing our happiness, confidence and self-worth in exchange. When we prioritize our health with only the external body in mind we are only setting ourselves up for self-sabotage and it means we need to take a step back and assess what areas of our lives we need to change. Ask yourself what in your life is not making you happy? What is holding you back? What do you know you need to focus on? For me, I have a high fear of  failure, a huge tendency to over-think what-ifs, a fear of being lonely and a growing pressure to figure out my purpose in life which I could never quite put my finger on. I’m focusing now on feeling my emotions rise, and listening to my thoughts before I react. That way I can reflect and correct my intentions when they are unhealthy and negative. I am finally finding a balance, through participating in boot camp, the gym, soccer, yoga, and most importantly REST. I am listening to myself for the first time in years.

I know now that wherever I end up in this life will be somewhere I am meant to be, because I am no longer forcing, rushing or worrying my life away. I am surrendering to where I am right now because I know that it is where I need to be. I trust that whatever path I end up taking into the future will be meant for me, and I know this courage I randomly found in myself to talk about what I struggle with is part of my healing. I hope that as I continue to heal that I can reach others who struggle as well, to help them recognize their worth and see how bright of a light they shine in this world. If you or anyone you know wants to talk please message me, I look forward to it. I am not sharing my struggle with you because I want you to feel bad for me, I don’t ever feel bad for myself anymore. I feel excited because I know everything happens for a reason and I can try my best to help keep the conversation going, and help others who suffer.  I want to show everyone who can’t figure out how to start loving themselves that today is the day to start. We can begin by extending compassion to ourselves through forgiveness. I want us all to unite, to stand up against the perpetuating idea of the “perfect” slim body. I want us to keep spreading love to everyone around us because we are so full of love ourselves that we are overflowing.

 I am so tired of attributing my self-worth to a physical number, when I have so much beyond that to learn, experience and offer. We are not only a number on a scale, we are not only beautiful if we are slender or if we are curvy. We are all beautiful, we are all spiritual beings having a human experience.  As soon as we start loving our bodies and treating them with compassion we will be on the right path to cultivating a heathy relationship with ourselves. I am still healing, I still struggle. Some days are harder than others but I am ready to love myself as hard as I love the people around me. Birth-marks, cellulite, stretch-marks, rolls, muscles, and every other part of you is a beautiful piece of your unique puzzle to be shared, loved and cherished in this life. I am done this seemingly endless war with my body and the only way I am fighting back now is with love.